No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc,

Thanks for the comments.

For awhile I've been at the point where I'm not worried about how my W perceives me anymore. I've already detached such that I understand that she will see me how she wishes to see me whether it be good or bad.

I, myself, just can't help be worried about her because she works with such a nut.

In fact, I hadn't been thinking of the OM as a person (the overall sitch with him, but not him as an individual) in awhile. Then he and his buddy come and threaten me Sopranos style.

I actually was smiling and being light about the whole thing when I was with them, because I saw how ridiculous they seemed. I felt they were afraid of something, but of what I had no clue. Then when I found out that the OM had spent the past two years trying to get me arrested, I was more surprised than angry. It seemed like it wasn't even real.

It's true that the best revenge is living well. When I saw the OM, I saw that he had noticeably aged and looked stressed. Me, I had no fear in me and felt pretty good as a whole. They just made themselves look bad.

I know that even something as extreme as this isn't going to change my W's mind, but that's her decision. I'm going to continue to protect my family (this does include my W) if these bozos try to do something. But I will not provoke or stir up any stress. They are doing a good enough job of shooting themselves in the foot as it is.

So while I am GAL-ing and detaching, I am going to keep a watchful eye out. Because even if they did something to just my W or myself, it would affect my kids as well.

Any prayers for my W's safety and well-being are appreciated.

I wondered if your H had gone through such a period of depression where he was just afraid to do anything from all the damage he had caused. I felt that's how my W felt when we were talking.

I'm glad I opened up to her and just told her that while she was feeling scared there were times that I felt the same. However that I would be there to stop anyone from threatening our family. Ack my life has become a Lifetime Movie of the Week.

[mindfull]

Gee, Stuck, all of a sudden, you're looking hott! LoL

Love the new name! Wear it well!!!

[MrBond]

Wow it's working already! LOL

[Deep]

Well, it's good to know you're moving from being shaken to merely stirred.

That's a 180 for Bond .

[K4D]

Oh Lord... Mr Bond??? Look out world. He is a different man now.

I agree with 25 in don't shame the W about the A. I did that and it just made things far worse and a longer path to getting things back on a level of any kind of cordialness.

Kevin

[MrBond]

Thanks Kevin.

I haven't shamed my W about the A. In fact, I think the OM is doing a good job of doing that himself.

I'm also wondering what else this nut is trying to do behind the scenes. I have a feeling that even after he's gone, he or his friend are going to keep doing whatever.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Kevin.

I haven't shamed my W about the A. In fact, I think the OM is doing a good job of doing that himself.

I'm also wondering what else this nut is trying to do behind the scenes. I have a feeling that even after he's gone, he or his friend are going to keep doing whatever.

Gee, you should probably spend a lot of mental and emotional energy wondering about that....

Okay, moving along.... so now you get it. He's a loser. Your w even gets it. They were weird, her judgment sucked then and may still suck now. She is depressed. You asked me whether my h ever was, and while my h hit a wall at one point in the sense that he thought maybe he'd lost us anyhow so why bother trying to salvage something, he was never as odd as she sounds...but as for them thinking too much water went under the bridge, you can only show them how off the mark they are, by enjoying time together without ANY pressure...when you are all together, if you can, be LIGHT HEARTED...shows flexibility and a relaxed nature she is sorely lacking... DO NOT dredge any of the past up, so that you can show her that you could move forward without being crippled by a scorecard of grievances from which she'll never recover.

I find that most LBSer men cannot do this I'm afraid. Not to be too generalizing, but it seems that they have a harder time not obsessing about the OM and specific details about what may have happened, how physical it got, and whether it was good or whether the wife still thinks about it, etc.

If I'm not mistaken, you once asked your w if she fantasized about her boss or some OM, (was that you??) I recall that I said that was probably the most self inflicted wound on a M that I can think of. Also an odd question--if you are the one who asked that, figure out why you would feel so in need of reassurance that you'd ask & put yourself in such a sitch....Usually it's women who make that mistake. (FYI-I can see ZERO use for that kind of info)...If my h fantasizes first off, it's NOT my business and I don't need that kind of insecurity feeding for my self esteem and YES I have had dreams of handsome men and yet I don't secretly wish to leave my h for them...plus
I heard a female comedian say "I don't care where my h gets his appetite as long as he comes home for dinner..." which I see a grain of truth in....


Anyhow, keep up the detachment work. No, my h was not clinically depressed as your w seems to be. His MLC was based on the sense of adventure his heroes on the tundra gave him, and he wanted that and a sense of "immortality" (??) or being on the cutting edge of medicine and the outdoors, and a gold rush and blah blah blah wacky stuff with a thread of reason in it. I read "Wild at Heart" and it helped me understand him. But we were financially well off before he left and now we are catching up, which sucks. I sometimes want to slap him when he complains about finances b/c it was his unilateral choices that got us here. But that is one fruitless pursuit...so I don't go there.

DETACH and move on. If your w is capable of a reconciliation I'd say it would be way more likely if you were to move on. We've said this before but you hyper analyze. The good news is that you are capable of changing your behavior, and if I were you, that'd be the change I'd make. Stop the analysis...it can can lead to paralysis...make sense?

j-

[MrBond]

Thanks 25yearsmlc.

I think I mentioned that there was a conversation my W and I had (before the bomb) if we fantasized about anyone else while we had sex. This was just a casual conversation and not because we were worried about anything. I mentioned a friend of mine and she said her boss. It was probably about a year prior to the A.

But anyhow, you're right that it's all water under the bridge. The part that I'm at now is if I should start pulling away more. She's been receptive to the times that we have been going out and have been keeping the times light and fun. I really don't get the feeling that she's stringing me along until she finds someone else.

Since all this happened she did seem to draw closer, so I don't know if pulling away is the right way to go right now. That's what's causing my "paralysis" right now. I don't know if I should continue to be the supportive person I am now to her or detach more and have her figure things out on her own. She seems to need some kind of guidance and I know it's not my "job" but in a way it is because she is still my W.

I think for now I'm going to continue to GAL and give her the space she needs to figure things out, but every now and then when we are together, give her a nudge in the right direction (i.e. me being the confident, strong, supportive male). Show her that I'm the better choice. And if she's not attracted, that's her choice. Others already are.

[Nurse Husband]

25yearmlc;

Your advice given above about not shaming W with A and OM. What sitch is this being given, a current active A or an ended A? Is this advice to be used in both sitchs? If not what is your advice for active As?

Nurse Husband

[MrBond]

NH,

I read your sitch and I would have put a stop to that one right off the bat.

In my sitch, the A was in the past, but it's what stirred all of this in the first place. My W told me she was leaving me for the OM. I told her it was inappropriate considering he was her boss and that if she continued to see him, that I would take custody of the kids. I immediately kicked her out of the house that day.

Like your W, my W is a nurse and she had gotten into an EA with the doctor she works with.

It comes down to laying a boundary and establishing a consequence. My W was like yours whereby she was flaunting around the fact that this was her decision and there was nothing I could do about it. She was right. All I could do was live how I wanted to.

So with the help of so many on here, I GAl'd and detached. Well or detached as best I could. I continued to work on me and did the things I wanted to do. During the interactions she and I did have, she was just downright nasty.

I would validate as much as I could, but then there came a time when she wasn't changing her tone, so when she went off on her tirades, I would hold my hand up and hit her with a truth dart. I would just tell her what the truth is of whatever she was saying and then walk away. Not angry, just stating the truth.

Oh she got mad. She threw tantrums. But I held firm. In time, she softened and the more I stood up to her when I felt she was being unreasonable, the nicer she became towards me.

It all comes down to personal accountability. Right now your W doesn't want to deal with the consequences of her actions. Deep down inside, she may know what she's doing is wrong, but she's going to do it anyway. There's nothing you can do about that. But what you can do is control how you are being treated and your outlook.

There is no timeline. I've been at this for just about 2 years. Right now things are just starting to get a little better. Do I think we are going to get back together? Who knows? I'm not thinking about that.

Think if it like a rock in raging surf. Your W's actions are like an uncontrollable surf. You can either get swept up in them or learn to navigate the dangerous waters until you get to an area of calm.

Establish what your boundaries are. Write them down. You may not think you have any leverage in this, but you do. Your leverage is YOUR morals, beliefs. She has no right to trample on them any more than you can trample on hers. She'll goad you into an argument to create drama and justify what she's doing. She needs justification. Don't fall for it.

Live for you. Not her.