Thanks for sharing your story Lotus. I like the Retrouvaille take on confessing.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Luvless, You hit the nail on the head. 27 years of disconnect and then I was faced with the question of whether or not I was ready to really commit to this marriage. And it was still hard. I still felt pulled by the idea that I could have the excitement of new love again. But after committing to this relationship, after all that time, I did find that there is something special about a longterm relationship. The kids have all reached maturity now and we no longer struggle with teenage angst. We are proud of all that we have achieved in, what is now, 30 years together. That is something that I would have missed otherwise.
On the confessing and forgiveness question. One of the things we were to think about was "What do I need to forgive myself for?" And that was when I admitted my culpability for 20 years of longing for someone else. I knew I was guilty of wrongdoing that hurt the marriage. But I was given the power to forgive myself for it. And that did work. My H later questioningly accused me of having been unfaithful too, and I admitted that I had. But neither of us went into details. I admitted that I had been adulterous too, and he had been caught.
Lotus, I'll add my thanks for your sharing. Helps me understand your posts better.
Would be interesting to hear your comment on a train of thought: It's obvious that you (and your H too) have benefitted from Retrouvaille; it's also clear to me that both of you have been blessed with great self-awareness and realization from the point where you started to work on the M. Does it strike you that many couples, here, in the program, and generally, are stuck in a place where one or both are NOT, or where one or both parties truly feels or even fears that the spouse is not? IMO, without this self-awareness, fixing the M is like clapping with one hand. Cheers.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Interesting point, Deep. I think you are correct. I tie it to the open mind, willing heart question. If you have an open mind, then I think that the Retrouvaille questions will make you look inside, whether you wanted to or not. But many people are unwilling to do that. That might be what causes the reactions against the weekend that a few people have reported. Maybe uncooperative spouses are fighting introspection more than they are fighting the spouse. Or using fighting the spouse as a means to avoid introspection. For us, the weekend was like going to a zen meditation retreat. we felt cleansed when it was over.
