Keep The Sound Advice Coming!

[25yearsmlc]

WOM,

tell you the truth, this whole drop off/holiday stuff is too complicated & detailed for me to follow. But it sounds like it's a lot of her being in control and not having money YET costing more...and NOT paying what SHE owes you. Are you saying that a court ordered her to pay you more, but she failed to comply? Why wasn't she found in contempt of court?
Think of that CS money as the boy's that she is wasting, and not "yours" and get your ego out of the way. I'd say the same thing if you were a woman.

IF she refused to pay and then rehashes yet another matter, why not suggest that you are NOT the one " in contempt of court" and that you wish she'd comply with written agreements AND OR oral agreements and naturally you are skeptical as it appears she can do neither. It appears to me (and correct me if I'm wrong) that SHE is the one proposing 90% of the changes to agreements after the fact so YES you are not too keen on another change, paying for it, only to have her change her mind again and again as you and the boys need stability and be able to plan things LIKE A LIFE and she can make all the adjustments from now on, etc NOT to punish, but to provide predictability in a world of instability around them...??

Let her pay for that. I mean financially speaking.

BTW I would not pay another cent for anything SHE asks for, (as opposed to things the boys need AND that she should not bear more responsibility for) until she is in compliance with court orders...enough said. But regardless, stay on message, keep it short and above ALL else, remain calm in front of her and the boys. Don't quibble so much.

Say nothing desparaging about her to them, ever. You will WIN so much more in the short and long run-- and besides, in states like California, "parental alienation" (=bad mouthing the other parent, in front of the kids) can cost a parent custody...no joke. It is VERY frowned upon....(you might want to let your w know that too....) As for her cussing, don't judge. You don't know what the heck the boys are thinking. IF you act critical or teach them that "she's wrong" then they may fear your reaction or let her comments about your temper, get to them. IN other words it could fuel their fears when she plants negative seeds in their minds. You can always say "Don't disrespect your mother" ....and if they say 'why can't we live together", etc you say "your mother and I decided we cannot do that, but we both love you very much" and leave it at that.

YES I know there are some who want the WAS to be the one to "Admit" that they are the one who is leaving (ie admit they are "wrong") But what the kids want is NOT assignment of blame, but assurances that you both are still in their lives and love them...plus there is NO WAY they won't figure out the truth down the road anyhow....someday when they are much older, you can say you didn't want this...but for now, stop with the "I"m sorry you had to hear that" etc.

Maybe smoking in their faces isn't healthy and you have the right to object to that but no more needless commentary about how you "empathize"....I mean, come on. IF you tell them you don't like a word being used, say no more...

Does your L think it'd hurt you to earn more now pending resolution of financial matters?? How do you feel about your L?
J-