So I've been having some real second thoughts about taking this job in the town where wife and kids are.
As I have said before, I will be doing general and thoracic surgery and giving up cardiac surgery. Its a big deal to give up the cardiac, plus I will be doing general surgery...something I'm not entirely thrilled about.
My concern is I move to the town where my family is and we do not reconcile. I make a sacrifice and give up what I trained to do. I take a big paycut. this is a one way deal. I will not, very easily, or perhaps at all, be able to go back to cardiac. Money is not all that important to me but I have a lot of debts (w helped out with this)and it will take me a long time to pay them off...
So then I will be stuck only seeing my kids on the weekend, and I will potentially be doing something that I will not really be happy doing.
so even if we do reconcile there is a chance that I will be unhappy with work.
I have been trying to detach... trying to DB... but this is a big decision, and I feel it is important to have your self respect and feel good about yourself.
I know what all of you think about the kids... but recently I found that the OM has now moved into the house he bought right near my W... of course it is near his kids too... but its tough to take. Very tough
I am still in the other place. I still feel in limbo.
W says she has not thrown in the towel, and we will be meeting with the MC on friday. She says she wants to to see if he can help us. Does not want a d... but she has no light in her eyes when she looks at me... it seem so far gone
I feel like she is just dragging me along... not wanting to amputate this withered limb that I have become...
this job I'm in I'm already leaving. mid april... its a dead end job now. I've already resigned... though I regret it a little bit. No, I was out of here not matter what...
now the question is do I leave to go elsewhere-- try and keep doing the cardiac thing
or do I take the job in the town where they are. working much harder for less pay... I suppose putting it that way makes the choice seem easy... right? (go there)
but the sacrifice... what if all I get is weekends anyhow... I can always come there for the weekends I get them.
I don't know.. whenever I come here and talk to you (and others) you always seem to see what is clear-- go there, be near the boys.
but she has taken them... she has made it such that they are getting used to a life without me.
skyped with them tonight... they were all eating together. it was very painful.
I understand sacrifice for the family. I did that for 9 years... now I am doing it every day... now do I take even that much more of a sacricfice? how much sacrifice? is there an end to it?
what about self respect and self love? shouldn't these things matter? shouldn't you love the job that you do?
what if she chooses a life with him (or already has and just will not tell me)... he is already living in a house right near them now...
how do I get back into my kids life when I move up there?
just kindof throwing out things but these are the things that plague my thoughts.
she did meet with a woman friend for lunch today who went through a tough time with her marriage-- for 2 years... they just had a kid. saw the same MC that we are seeing... perhaps she went to talk to her to get some hope? maybe...
When I married my wife, there was some worry about immigration. I convinced myself that I would quit everything and move to Thailand with her if she was deported.
I am wondering if Bradley should be open during MC about his life decision he is wavering on. My gut feeling is no as it would sway his wife to quit out of guilt of holding his life dreams in limbo.
All I can add is that some very wise people told me during my marriage crisis that if I focus on the kids, everything will work out ok. And they were correct.
I did that for 9 years... now I am doing it every day... now do I take even that much more of a sacricfice? how much sacrifice? is there an end to it?
Go get a beer, chill for about 10 minutes, and re-read that all by itself, and tell me what type of man said that.
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what about self respect and self love? shouldn't these things matter?
They do. Are you your job?
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shouldn't you love the job that you do?
I do not know many people who...can say that. I am envious of those who can.
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what if she chooses a life with him (or already has and just will not tell me)... he is already living in a house right near them now... but the sacrifice... what if all I get is weekends anyhow... I can always come there for the weekends I get them.
What if dinosaurs got cloned and made a comeback? Could we ride them, would they have a Dinosaur Jesus?
Making fun of the 'what if' not your concern. You can 'what if' yourself into not bothering to get up in the morning or not even trying if you REALLY want to.
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how do I get back into my kids life when I move up there?
...
really?
You DO. You just do. Cause if you don't... they will remember it. And if she and you do not work out...someone else will pick up your slack.
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or do I take the job in the town where they are. working much harder for less pay... I suppose putting it that way makes the choice seem easy... right? (go there)
Look, man is there a position in a nearby town?
For me...
money is money, it is something to buy stuff, and more stuff, WEEE!!! More stuff! It is STUFF!
Stuff is status...fukc status. Its inflated and not really what matters and makes us meanly like ants.
More stuff or more time?
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but she has taken them... she has made it such that they are getting used to a life without me.
And YOU might contribute to that choice.
right?
A life without you?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Let me tell you something, let me tell you where I am coming from.
I am my oldest boys step-dad.
I seldom use this word.
His father for whatever reason STOPPED talking to him, stopped calling...whatever, whyever...it is BULLSIHT! Is he afraid of me? Is he afraid of my wife yelling at him for no support? I do not know, I donot care, neither reason is vaild, neither reason is GOOD ENOUGH EVER to prevent a father from being a father to his son. I do not care...there is never a good enough reason.
As much as I dislike the man, he SHOULD have been a father in whatever capacity he could have been. Instead of doing what he did to my oldest.
So for me this is a touchy subject.
In May of this year, I will be officially adopting my oldest son.
Food for thought Bradley.
Just so you know where I am coming from.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I had a whole thing written but something stuck, so I'll write again
kerry. Just watched youtube of cat's and the cradle. thanks for making me cry. yes when you watch that it sure as hell puts everything in perspective. "too much...too much fn perspective" (a little spinal tap reference there for anyone who might get it)
Jack. thanks for making me laugh. I will name my next band Dinosaur Jesus for sure... that is the best band name I've ever heard of. I will send you the gig posters.
yes.. pretty unmanly stuff that I wrote. perhaps that is the whole problem to begin with!
btw-- was it for me to nut up or shut up or the W? I guess I'm the one with the nuts.
and thank you for your perspective on the father matters... it does help. it really does. in fact it may be the deal maker.
listening to lots of family members... they don't seem as helpful as here.
the perspective here seems to ring truer.
I guess they don't really know what its like-- or what its like to chose the wrong way.
for you guys it seems so clear... that is interesting. because nothing seems clear to me at all these days... so it is nice to have some people giving advice that is clear.
it is like asking me if I would cut out my own kidney to save my daughter ummmmm...where's the knife???
My boys'dad stopped seeing them talking to them all contact with them when they were about 2 and 3
he was a horrid horrid boy and did horrible evil things
and that was the worst
to make my two sweet babies want for something
he owes me over $60,000 in back child support and counting I will never see a dime and I am glad he is no longer in their life I am glad that they have a father...one that is better than he ever could have been his memory has faded and my youngest can't even remember what he looked like...they refer to him as Jeremy
they are men that he never could have been
and
legal he has no claim to them anymore (AMEN)
I am adopted by my dad my biological dad is out of the picture
my DAD is the man who: kissed my owies tucked me in at night taught me to fish listens to the Grateful Dead wore clogs and had long hair taught me sing built me a kite gave me a spanking felt badly about giving me a spanking is proud of me is the grampy to my babies
is that you or are you the guy who writes a check and didn't want to give anything up so they could have their dream
choice schmoice
My son needed someone to show him how to shoot his dad did that and I don't mean the guy whose sperm mixed with my egg
how much more time are you willing for them to have a surrogate?
so what is the deal here? I am supposed to take advice from anonymous strangers who seem to know me better than my own family?
ok. and I say that seriously. Perhaps is it the objectivity of the forum that allows people to really speak the truth? Or that people here just know more about what we are really going through?
I guess I came here for a reason tonight... I feel like my spinning head is coming to a spinning stop...
OK, I'm not a guy, and especially not a guy with many years of professional education on my resume. I'm a gal with a couple of college degrees who made the decision 30 years ago to forego a career to raise my Ds. There was, at the time, a lot of pressure on well-educated women to use their education to prove something to the world, to show that they could do it all, to pave the way for the younger women to come. It took a lot of meditation and a lot of visualization, but eventually I concluded that raising my children was my biggest responsibility and my highest priority. I was fortunate to be able to do that full time, and have not once regretted that decision, even now that I find myself alone. I eventually found that putting my children's needs above my own fulfilled needs that I didn't even know I had at the time.
Have you considered that this might be one of the lessons waiting for you on your part of your W's journey?
This is, of course, your decision to make. I urge you to take your time in making it, and whatever you decide, do your best for your boys within whatever constraints accompany it. Put them very near the top of your todo list, every day.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
