how do i keep my hope alive?

[Vulcanized]

no one can understand this kind of stuff except for other people going through the same thing.

Amen!

I agree with you & Pearl about the concern over friends/family's opinions. Ultimately, I guess you decide who you're living your life for. Or at least that's where I am right now. If my M ends in D, I want the satisfaction of knowing that I tried, even though it was tremendously difficult and flew in the face of so many 'told you so'.

[Onthemountaintop]

he pointed out a lot of things about me that are not things i am proud of. i do not want to be that way and i've chosen to change my ways.

And that is what makes AGAIN. into AGAIN!

Hopefully, he is recognizing (or will recognize with IC) some of the things you pointed out, too. If he doesn't, you still have learned how to push his 'good buttons' to get changes you want over time.

Are you ready to accept that he'll backslide much more than you? I know to never insult my W. But regardless of why, I still did. I accept that if I can't pay attention to something in the heat of an argument, I will redo mistakes. I might say something that sounds like I want to leave my R. But, it will be a mistake, not on purpose. If you (and my W) can accept that my intention might be much better than the action, accepting a backslide becomes easier. It also prevents a big or small problem spiraling into massive.

You are not really doing anything again. You are doing it differently, and much better from the sounds of it.

[Onthemountaintop]

he told me that he doesn't understand this "demon" that drives him to only see the negative

I find it hard to be positive about my S (you may have noticed...), but then I have to force myself to be positive in many areas that others would naturally click to. I can't say for sure for your H TTA, but for me, I'm so used to hearing how I did something amazing, but I missed a/b/c, that I've grown up seeing what was missing. I think if teachers knew I had ADHD, they'd back off. Because they didn't they expected equal or more...one good reason not to diagnose unless there are serious problems with quality of life.

I'd worry little about this...he can learn about this through his IC. The only thing to do is pray that he's got an excellent IC who is aware of DB, not divorce making.

[trytryagain]

trust me, OTM, i'm definitely praying he's found a good IC. i've told him already how i feel that MC for us hurt more than helped - not because our counselor pushed us to separate, but because we spent more time looking at what we'd done wrong than dealing with how to fix things and move on. so. fingers crossed, for sure!

[talia]

TTA,

There's one thing that I have tried to stick to in this whole situation...

Discretion is the Better part of Valor

It essentially means that in situations where you don't have enough information it is better sit back, do nothing, and see what happens than it is to do the wrong thing with the wrong information...

Just remember this time with your H is different because YOU are different. Just keep doing what you are doing - its working!!! H will deal with his demons or not - and you won't know which for a little while yet.

(((TTA)))

T

[trytryagain]

i am doing my best to keep doing what i'm doing. i know i've been getting positive results and my H's first session with his new IC is today...but i'm just sad today. i cried last night because i just miss him so much. he said on sunday that he wanted to see me again this week, but i told him i had plans until thursday. we haven't decided to do anything yet and i haven't heard from him at all today. funny how your mind plays games with you, because now i'm thinking, he hasn't emailed today, maybe he changed his mind about wanting to see you. probably not true, but still...an over-active imagination can do you in sometimes.

got a call back from my mom's lawyer friend...not sure i want to return her message.

[pearlharbr]

Get busy TTA! Do something that will take your mind off everything. Immerse yourself in a movie or go out with girlfriends who will talk your ear off about their lives.

Remember that this process is about YOU, not H.

Talk to the lawyer. It doesn't mean you have to do anything. But a smart woman will be prepared for anything and knowledge is power.

[trytryagain]

that's good advice, pearl. i know it doesn't mean anything to talk to her, and it certainly couldn't hurt me to at least understand the legal side of things. just in case.

i do have plans tonight, i have a meeting at my church. i'm going on a service trip to new orleans next month - by myself, no one i know already is going! - and have an orientation meeting for that tonight. should be interesting.

i know the process is about me. that doesn't stop me from missing my H. i've spent more time with my girlfriends in the last 3 weeks than i have in the last 3 years. i still feel lonely. i keep myself busy and i feel good and can see improvements in my overall mood. but that doesn't stop me from being sad from time to time or hoping that he'll call or write or reach out to me.

[pearlharbr]

Of course you're going to have those feelings. But the longer you dwell on them the more they take over.

The trip is a great idea. You'll be doing something good and sharing that experience with new people. At the end you'll have some new friends who are all your own.

I hope you reach the point where you realize that you will be fine no matter what happens.

[trytryagain]

i've already realized that i'll be fine no matter what. i haven't reached the point where i'm not sad about it or miss my H.

i try not to dwell on my feelings for too long...but sometimes it's harder than other times.