H wants to talk tomorrow! Please advise.

[givingitmyall]

Thank you all very much.

I will work with D tomorrow. Take some mommy and me time. I am angry and am trying not to lash out at him. It's so hard. Do I have a choice when he files the separation? Do I have to agree to it?

You don't have to agree to the terms he proposes, but you can't stop him from leaving.

Talk to a L. Initial consults are usually at no charge.

[Butterfly1]

It depends on the state. In my state, he could not file legal sep without my consent. However, H told me he would file for a D if I didn't agree to the legal sep. He can do that without my agreement. Either way, you need to see a lawyer who will tell you what the court would give you in either case, what is a fair settlement, and what if anything, you should fight for. It's necessary for your own protection. See the L and get your ducks in a row.

[HallesComment]

Of course you can respond when he files the separation. Lots of things depend on the state you live in. Start looking at online legal resources for your state.
Why do you think he is filing for separation and not divorce?

I don't know why??? Maybe he wants to continue to make me an option. He just said he is going to file and we should live like separated people live. NC unless it's about the kids or money. He doesn't want to go to a counselor and he doesn't want to go to a retreat for our situation. He wants what he wants only. He doesn't want to hear that doubt is normal or how to fix how he feels. I think he thought something would happen with OW. They were talking a lot after he left and I think he had feelings for her before he left, which made it easier to not work on the M. She is in love with another one of our friends but I don't think that matered to him, maybe that's why he led me on for a month.
I am still so angry but sick enough to think, perhaps if I go dark he will come back and that's not what I want for me. I am thinking of my life wihtout him as well, but there is that tiny bit of hope and I am not sure I want that.
I haven't spoken to him for a day, he texted me this am and I haven't responded. It was about the kids. He is upset that our D12 won't call him or text him back and he was telling me the arrangements for the our S3 for tomorrow. Don't like how he tells me how it's going to be. I am not going to engage, is that wrong?
I am going to look up legal advice today. Thank you!

[Lost Rabbit]

Definitely get some legal advice, its good you are not answering him straight away, its his problem after all and you need time to think what you want to do and how to do it.. perhaps think about how you want to set boundaries for him visiting the kids, not in a vindictive way but so that the kids are well cared for and not messed about emotionally and physically.. You dont have to let him tell you whats going to happen but you can say no politely and firmly, I havent got any little ones so have a look round on threads where people have got kids, and see how they handled things.

[mishka422]

HC,

There is no great way to enforce boundaries where the kids are concerned, but you are going to have to.

I assume you haven't agreed to a specific visitation schedule since he left? If not, then he does not get to dictate when he will see the kids.

D12, well....she's 12! She's a tween and entitled to her feelings. IMO, if he tries to push her to communicate with him he will be cutting off his own foot. 12 year old girls are VERY opinionated and as far as she's concerned, he left her. Period. She's protecting you too. Talk to her, tell her how much her dad loves her and wants to talk with her. Leave it there. It is her choice right now what she chooses to do.

S3, there is another HUGE subject. He has a right to ASK for visitation and you must grant it unless he is endangering your child. However, it does not need to be on his terms. You can determine the length of the visit, if it's overnight, etc.. You have to be strong and lay it all out in front of him.

These are the consequences of his choices. He doesn't get to spend whatever time he wants with his kids. He walked, he chose. You are the custodial parent and until a court of law says what time you must give him, he has to play by your rules.

[Kelly23]

HC,
I am concerned that H does not realize that filing the paperwork is going to make your D think he is leaving her too. Kids are selfish, it is what they do. She is not going to understand and try to wait him out. Be ready to talk to her when he files without letting her know how angry you are at H too. It will be difficult.
Has H said anything more to you about it?

[HallesComment]

I have done very well with not talking to him all day today or yesterday. I will be forced to respond when he tells me what time he will be here to pick up S3 tomorrow, but I am going to limit everything. I am thinking at least a week of this. I know this may be going way dark, but I am angry and am feeling strength in not seeing or talking to him. Not sure what that means though.

He doesn't want the kids this weekend as "he needs to have some time for himself too!" I have the kids Sunday afternoon, through Friday night at 6pm. And he needs more time? If we weren't living is separate houses he'd have to work all week and have the kids on the weekends, what's the difference? Sorry I am venting now and I appreciate all that are reading and responding. You are all making me so much stronger. Thank you so so much!

Our current arrangement is he is suppose to have the kids every weekend. He can't take the kids an hour away just for the night, during the week, on a regular basis. It's not fair to the kids, plus I didn't want this and I want my kids at home with me. His choice not to be here. I want them to see their dad, but I want them to be in their home as much as possible. It's familiar in these unfamiliar times.

D12 opened up a lot today. I kept her home from school as she had a major break down. Finally she said, " this just happened so fast, no one told me it was going to happen, it just did so fast." She hates her dad but loves him. She knows it's not her fault, but she said he left me and my brother too. She said, he made a promise to you and he lied. She then said, I don't want to see him, but it's hard to not have him around everyday.
She is so confused and hurt and betrayed. I would love to have OW and H see her face today and hear the pain in her voice. It kills me. It kills me and I can't fix it for her. I don't know how to not have hate in my heart for H! What kind of man leaves his family without a fight? Sorry that was probably wrong, but I just wish he had to pick up the pieces here too, ya know?

So, how do I act when he comes tomorrow. Can I just stay quiet? I am angry, he led me on telling me we want the same thing and that we needed to be stronger, all the while telling OW he was at the point of no return and felt guilty and didn't want to hurt me. He led his wife on. I just don't knw I can forgive him right now, maybe this is just a deal breaker for me, my point of no return. I just can't believe it, did I ever know him?

Wow this is long, thanks to those who get through it!

[mishka422]

HC,

Never apologize for how long a post is, never apologize for your feelings either. They are yours and you have a right to them!

Selfish should be the middle name of every WAS. They do this out of their own needs and convince themselves that what they are doing is actually a good thing because of tensions in the house and M. They don't see the fallout they cause. Don't expect him to do that or you will be hurt even further. I say this from far more experience on the subject than I could ever have wanted.

If he agreed to take the kids every weekend, that was a rash decision on his part. He wasn't thinking of anything other than getting you to quiet down when he said it. Kind of like the response of, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." when we keep asking someone the same thing but in different formats. KWIM? It is reasonable to expect him to have the kids every other weekend though. As long as his job does not have him working on the weekends he should be held to that. Don't talk to him about it this week though, your emotions are far too close to the surface for anything good to come out of the conversation. Wait until early next week and tell him he will need to have the kids the first and third weekends of the month (or the second and fourth - whatever works best for you). If he balks at that, you are going to have to get a L to get paperwork rolling because he is being unreasonable.

I know this hurts horribly. It's pain that, IMO, is much more devastating than a death. I often said I wished my xh had just died because at least that would not have been a choice. Being abandonded to all the responsibility that you had as a M'd couple is overwhelming. We understand your pain and we are here for you!

VENT AWAY!!!

[HallesComment]

Mishka-
I feel the same way about the death. I've said that plenty! A divorce is a death, it is the death of your M. It's just hard to be haunted everyday by the person who killed your M.

The problem with the every other weekend is he can't see the kids during the week on his non weekend. He wants to see them (or so he says) and was very upset about being a part-time dad, a weekend dad, but what did he think was going to happen? He will never walk away from his kids and this isn't about them he says. Like you said- they tell themselves anything and everything to make it okay in their world.

I am worried that he will start to get nasty now because D12 won't see him and of course it will be my fault.
I am so not looking forward to the end of the day. My hope is that I won't feel weak when he leaves. I feel so strong right now. He has broken the last string of trust and it makes it easier to see what he has become and not fool myself into thinking he's miserable and just lost. He is a cheater and a liar and has betrayed me for the last time. It's been way over 48 hours and I still don't think I want him. For my kids I would go to C but at this point he would not be welcome to come home until he did some serious IC and MC. It would take a long time. I wasn't at this point before. I would have let him come back whenever because I didn't believe or want to believe he would do this to me and for who knows how long!!!

[mishka422]

Love your tagline BTW.

How far away from you is he living? My xh's visitation schedule was set up for every other weekend and one weeknight dinner visitation on Wednesday. If your H isn't living too far away, offer him that. If he chose to live farther than that.....his problem. He created it and he can live with it or move. He gets upset about not seeing the kids but then says he can't do this weekend because he needs time for him too? Yep, been there, done that. It's so contradictory it's ridiculous but that is how his mind is functioning right now....me me me me! Kind of like a 2 year old.