Running out of time.

[ClingingToHope]

She spent most of Sunday painting (or so she told me) at her new apartment. I know I shouldn't waste energy speculating on her mindset but it makes me think she is excited to be on her own and setting up shop. Not something I need to be thinking about.

This is a big part of the process as well. Another wise poster put it this way. Most WAS's have been dreaming about being free for a long time -- right or wrong -- and the first six months of being on their own is euphoria. They can come and go as they please. They have no one to answer to. They can do whatever they want with whoever and buy everything they wanted to but didn't ask for.

That lasts about six months to a year and that's when maybe remorse starts to set in. Depending on what happens, it might not be much fun to have to keep up with the bills and housework by yourself. The nights alone start to pile up.

I remember when I hit six months out of the house I felt pretty good. I told myself the first six months were hers, the next six are mine.

In my case, we are farther apart than ever -- no reconciliation talk at all -- but she is swamped with bills, overwhelmed at work (D10 tells me she cries a lot because of the pressure) and her social outlet is hanging out at biker bars 30 minutes from here because that's where her best friend lives and she won't see anyone who knows me.

Me. I still want a second chance, but I've picked up two jobs (summer and winter) that allows me to continue to take the girls fun places. I've reached out and gone out with several different people. The only thing that hasn't happened yet is dating and I'm feeling more confident that will happen once I'm actually single.

And I've gotten better at trying to figure out what's going on in her head. Our last conversation, the heated Wednesday argument about her divorce petition, just showed again that we both are just assuming the worst about each other.

[Cie la vie]

That lasts about six months to a year and that's when maybe remorse starts to set in.
I probably shouldn't care but man I want her to taste the pain of this decision with full force. But I think it is quite possible she may feel nothing. In six months the D will certainly have been long since finalized baring some unforseen change in the process and I don't mean her deciding to R.

I'm going to put a call into her older sister over the weekend just to say hi. My W's immediate family is like family to me. I've been a bit disappoint in the fact that I haven't heard from any of them since the [censored] hit the fan. Save for one call from the older sister, but that wasn't entirely unsolicited. Not sure what to make of it.

I honestly don't really know what is going on in my wife head, particularly now that she has moved out. She radically distanced herself from me after she filed. I haven't put a single call into her since she moved out over two weeks ago and she hasn't called me except to discuss children and moving issues. There has been virtually zero casual conversation.

It seems to me that in most of the sitches I keep up with here, people have much more communication between eachother than in mine. Albeit not necessarily postive communication. I've been on the NC plan for a long time and she seems to be following the same plan.

I'm really trying my best to focus entirely on me and the kids and just let her go. Not surprisingly the more may head gets wrapped up in what she is up to or what she might be thinking the more down in the dumps I get.

The only thing that hasn't happened yet is dating and I'm feeling more confident that will happen once I'm actually single.

I wish I was in a mindset to start getting after it but I'm not there yet. It may be one of things where I just need to get that first one and I'm off to the races. Will see.

[ClingingToHope]

On the dating thing. I'm just really social and W is very closed off so for me, it's really been 15 years of shutting myself down because she's such a wallflower. I'm ready to get out and laugh and enjoy myself -- as much as I can on what's left of my income.

Yes. The more you think about what's going through W's head the worse you feel. I have been there for most of these nine months. In my case, once it became about money I started to heal.

But not entirely. Ever since getting the actual divorce filing on Wednesday I've wavered between crying and defiantly happy. I'm emotionally exhausted.

We're alike in that there's been so little emotional communication. It's almost always been about the kids. I have gotten zero indication she's wavering or regretting the decision at all.

Dottie, the DB counselor, said in my case, since W first mentioned divorce six years ago that she's been at least somewhat unhappy for at least eight years because it takes two to three years usually for someone to go from thinking the D word to actually saying it.

She said that to warn me this was no six month to one year fix. It is going to take W two years or more to realize she made a mistake -- if she ever does.

I'm afraid you may be in a similar situation.

I was out tonight with a couple of friends. One has a friend -- single mom -- looking for a "man on demand." Meaning she's very busy, her schedule changes all the time and she wants somebody willing to spend time with her on pretty much a moment's notice.

I told her give me five months or so. I'd be a man on half demand. Meaning if it's not my weekend with my girls, hey I'm available.

She laughed at that.

[MHL]

I'm going to put a call into her older sister over the weekend just to say hi. My W's immediate family is like family to me. I've been a bit disappoint in the fact that I haven't heard from any of them since the [censored] hit the fan. Save for one call from the older sister, but that wasn't entirely unsolicited. Not sure what to make of it.

CLV,
Don't know if you have contacted her family yet, but I would recomend that you don't. I did and it was a big mistake and push her further away. Even if they agree with you, you do not want them pleading your case. If they call you fine, keep it short sweet, everything is fine. Trust me here. For that matter try to resist the urge to talk to common friends about her also, you do not want anyone going to her that did not know about the sitch before hand and talking to her about it, again will piss her off and push her away and will not help. I made this mistake multiple times, it is hard not to tell people about it b/c you feel better afterwards but it does not help it hurts the sitch.

I honestly don't really know what is going on in my wife head, particularly now that she has moved out. She radically distanced herself from me after she filed. I haven't put a single call into her since she moved out over two weeks ago and she hasn't called me except to discuss children and moving issues. There has been virtually zero casual conversation.

It seems to me that in most of the sitches I keep up with here, people have much more communication between eachother than in mine. Albeit not necessarily postive communication. I've been on the NC plan for a long time and she seems to be following the same plan.

Her head is a scrambled mess right now, I know it is hard not to think about what is going on in there but try not to. Even if you had a window into her mind and could see what she was thinking, you still would not understand it.

As far as the communication thing goes, give it some more time as hard as that may be also. Let things settle down. My wife and I had zero causual communication up until 2 weeks ago and prior to that it was 3-4 months of kids only, neccessary conversation. And even now, she has only initiated contact twice in the last 2 weeks.

Do not worry about dating, when the time is right and if it is right at the time you will know. To worry about it is just something else you do not need on your plate. It is hard to think that she is out there having all this "fun", it is not all fun and games right now for her, it will not take long, maybe a couple of more weeks and the party life will start to lose its flavor and at some point may even be something she does not care for.

[Cie la vie]

MHL,

Good to hear from you. Hope you had a good weekend.

I never placed the call, talked myself out it. I agree I would be tempted to expose all the BS I have uncovered that I am sure her family is unaware of. Can't see any good coming from such a disclosure. I'm still confused by the lack of any comm. from them. It maybe be just to ackward or uncomfortable for them. I hope they don't think I don't want anything to do with them. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Do not worry about dating, when the time is right and if it is right at the time you will know. To worry about it is just something else you do not need on your plate. It is hard to think that she is out there having all this "fun", it is not all fun and games right now for her, it will not take long, maybe a couple of more weeks and the party life will start to lose its flavor and at some point may even be something she does not care for.

I'm really not even thinking about dating right now but I must say if some hottie fell into my lap now or in the near future I'd be all over it. And yes when the time is right I'll know it.

With regard to her "fun" it all seems to revolve around guys. Seems to me her self worth is directly proportional to how much attention she gets from the opposite sex. It smacks as desperate to me. Who knows.

My goal moving forward is to improve on stopping myself when thoughts of her and what she is doing pop up in my head. I'm getting better at this daily.

On different note my weekend was a good one jam packed with good times with my kids. I wore them out on a hike at the park on Saturday and we attend a B-day party on Sunday at the neighbors. My nanny commented to me that kids seem so happy when they are with me. That felt great.

The party was interesting for a couple of reasons. As I mentioned in a couple of other posts I have felt as if I was a leper to all but one of my neighbors since this all started including these neighbors. I discovered that they don't understand what my wife is doing. They are baffled by the fact that we have been paying for the nanny's while the W has been out of work for five months. Not to mention they are just don't understand how she could give up on the marriage when young children are involved. She indicated they had no idea anything was really wrong. I told her I was baffled as well. I indicated to the female neighbor that there is more to the story than they have been told. I didn't get specific but she got the hint. She commented it takes two to tango.

Anyway it was nice to know that people recognize some of my wifes odd behavior/decisions independent of me telling them. I really wanted to expose what I know but I refrained from doing so.

It is hard to think that she is out there having all this "fun", it is not all fun and games right now for her, it will not take long, maybe a couple of more weeks and the party life will start to lose its flavor and at some point may even be something she does not care for.

I hope you are right about this. It will be interesting to see what the next few weeks bring to the table. My expectations are extremely low that any good will come.

Mediation session #4 on the 24th.

[Cie la vie]

CTH,

Dottie, the DB counselor, said in my case, since W first mentioned divorce six years ago that she's been at least somewhat unhappy for at least eight years because it takes two to three years usually for someone to go from thinking the D word to actually saying it.

She said that to warn me this was no six month to one year fix. It is going to take W two years or more to realize she made a mistake -- if she ever does.

My W after having me served said that I had crapped on her for three years. I got a look of what are you talking about on my face immediately. But prior to the birth of our kids we were quite happy from what I could tell. The kid factor completely changed the dynamic of the marriage as they do in all marriages. So from my vantage point and based on what she said she has been unhappy for three years leading up to filing.

I think Dottie is right, I don't see my W owing up to having made a mistake for a couple of years if ever. It's been four months since my W filed and she hasn't even begun to settle into her new life. That alone could take a year and I believe she won't have the opportunity to take inventory of what her decisions have really meant until than.

I think my W may still harbor some anger and resentment toward me and there is no room in her to admit any wrong doing on her part. And if my W is a MLCer she is clearly in the "Replay" stage and not interested in any reconcillation that is for sure.

Anyway you slice it the road will be a long and winding one.

[dwinter82]

CLV, does your W have one or two "signicant" things that happened in the past that she keeps bringing up as the cause of the M problems. My W did and it seemed to block any of my DB efforts.

[Cie la vie]

DW,

She did, don't know if she still does. Doesn't matter now. Anger issues, drinking and not helping enough with the kids and around the house. All of them were legitimate issues but in and of themselves not worthy of divorce. But throw in a MLC and A and you have the makings of a disaster. Here I am.

I immediately set out to correct the issues she had with me. The old 180's as we like to say around here. I haven't had a drink in 4 months, I did more than my fair share of the house hold chores and child rearing and I have my anger under control. Trust me the anger part takes a herculean effort given the BS she has put me through. You know exactly where I am coming from on this.

I know the protocol is that we do all the DBing for us not for them but lets be honest we all arrived her with the same goal in mind and that is/was to save our marriages. The 180's have without question been a positive for me but I initially set out making the changes to show her that our marriage was worth another shot. She can't help but notice the dramatic changes in my behavior but it has had zero impact on her decision and she has never once acknowledged the changes.

It's a constant battle to keep my mind focused on me and the kids. I'm sure you go through the same machinations of feeling like you are getting over the hump emotionally only to have a wave of sadness and despair wash over you and knock you back down in the trough. It's going to take time maybe a lot of time before the waves cease to pound us down. We will get to a better place and be able look back at this time in our lives and be okay with it.

It will be interesting to see how this train wreck ultimately affects our W. Mine seems so content and certain she has made the right decision.

[dwinter82]

I think we (and out W's) are in the same exact frame of mind. I sense nothing but happily ever after for her.

If I am lucky, hopefully no more "emotonal" waves are on the way...what else could there be? Her moving in or getting M to the OM. Not sure if I really care at this point.

Hopefully few waves are left for you but I would expect a couple more. Maybe we should learn how to surf...with our luck we would get attacked by a shark or something.

Stay focused on those kids and have the best time ever with them. They grow fast so you only get one shot. I will do the same.

[Cie la vie]

Stay focused on those kids and have the best time ever with them. They grow fast so you only get one shot. I will do the same.

The kids keep me so busy I don't have time to think about the "Kook" or the sitch. I'm looking forward to having them back at my place tonight. My son is really into watching sports with me my daughter not so much. I'm interested to see if he or she will like the snowboard half pipe event tonight. Beats the hell out watching Yo gabba gabba etc.

I have no idea what is happening in my W's OM sitches. Is there one, two or three or more or none? So happily ever after maybe an illusion. Can't concern myself with though.