She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

ARRRGGGHH! I'm a mess today.

W has texted me three times this morning, which is like a flood compared to the past few weeks. Instead of her usual cold, blunt, and very brief style that I've grown so used to these past months, so is sending complete paragraphs, starting with "hi!" and including cheerful inquiries. The first text was asking about S13's plans for after school (she already knows them). She asked if I had a good trip back from new york. The last one was wishing me a good day.

And I'm very stupid: everytime the phone beeped, I found myself checking to see if it was from NY girl. Then inevitable frustration that it was from W. Cue the frying pan to the head.

This is NOT a good place to be. I have more important things to be worried about.

Again, what is going on with W? I need to respond to the texts, I don't really want to....which is very sad. When I respond, do I need to be cheerful or just stick to business?
What is going on with me? Is this detachment? it kinda sucks.
I need to figure out AGAIN where I am on everything.

[flowmom]

Awoken, is your W trying to suck up to you to prevent your taking action on what happened on the weekend? I'm suspicious. If she has asked a question that you have to answer, I would text back politely and very briefly, but don't get chatty.

I'm sorry you're going through angst about NY woman. It sounds like you really connected with her, and that's leaving you feeling vulnerable. Vulnerability is good, it's what allows us to enjoy so many of life's pleasures. But we need to create safe situations in which we can let ourselves feel vulnerable.

[Awoken]

I'm suspicious. If she has asked a question that you have to answer, I would text back politely and very briefly, but don't get chatty.

I'm suspicious too. I did just what said. I answered the question only. I'm sure my text was very cold.

I came home early tonight as well. Saw her for the first time in 8 days, but I didn't say a word. I think it's the wrong tack to take, since it seems so hostile. But I just don't want to talk to her right now or even really see her.

At this point, I'm not really db'ing very well at all. I should be at least presenting the wonderful man she is giving up, not an angry distant guy that feels her with guilt. But, she is likely still in an A, and she is still drinking and letting it affect our children.

I didn't reach my L today. I will try again first thing in the morning.

[Awoken]

I'm sorry you're going through angst about NY woman. It sounds like you really connected with her.

It's really silly. I feel like I'm in high school again. I do think we connected, but she has stopped texting me. Monday, I checked the phone all day like school boy, to see if she had called. I think we were both aware the situation was getting inappropriate. Honestly, my reaction has truly taken me by surprise. I've been in a R with my W for nearly two decades, and been completely faithful.

There is an opportunity here for me to understand my W's EA, and PA if there is one. Some of the angst I'm feeling is some part guilt, but really the worst is realizing how empty my M has become and how my emotional needs have not been met for a long time. This is something like how my W feels. I knew this already, but it's something else to experience it.

It also says something about my co-dependence, and need for companionship. I need to focus on myself and my kids.

[Sister]

(((Awoken)))

I came home early tonight as well. Saw her for the first time in 8 days, but I didn't say a word. I think it's the wrong tack to take, since it seems so hostile. But I just don't want to talk to her right now or even really see her.

At this point, I'm not really db'ing very well at all. I should be at least presenting the wonderful man she is giving up, not an angry distant guy that feels her with guilt.

I'm wondering if this 'going dark' isn't a bad thing at all. She doesn't want you in her life anymore, so let her feel the reality of that. Give yourself some space and room to work on yourself. (Especially with these unexpected emotions running through you right now.)

Hang in there. You CAN do this.

[Gardener]

awoken,

Honestly, my reaction has truly taken me by surprise. I've been in a R with my W for nearly two decades, and been completely faithful.

That's your integrity.

There is an opportunity here for me to understand my W's EA, and PA if there is one. Some of the angst I'm feeling is some part guilt, for what? but really the worst is realizing how empty my M has become and how my emotional needs have not been met for a long time. This is something like how my W feels. I knew this already, but it's something else to experience it.

That's your empathy and compassion.

It also says something about my co-dependence, and need for companionship. I need to focus on myself and my kids.

I still go back to the original definition of co-dependent that has been so widely co-opted and over/misused: A co-dependent is one who enables, excuses, covers up for, facilitates, etc., a substance abuser's addiction. That is not you.

Oh, and, "...need for companionship." That is a basic human need. I'd be worried if you didn't have it and feel it deeply.

You're a good man, Awoken. I know. I've seen him and listened to him. Lighten up on yourself a bit, okay?

[Awoken]

Lighten up on yourself a bit, okay?

Thanks, I needed that.

I got it from S13 today too.

I took him and D17 to dinner tonite, and they started some serious bickering. I eventually had to intervene, and told them we just needed to stick together right now. S13 was still pretty upset, and I asked him what he needed.

He said he was just "so tired of all the pity and sadness".

I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of hiding my feelings, but they really see everything. So I'm gonna get back to serious work on PMA.

By the way, their argument was over optimism vs. pessimism. S13 now advocates pessimism as the best way to protect himself from inevitable pain. Think optimism only leads to disappointment so why bother. Phew. Before our sitch, he was the most optimistic one.

I'll get my PMA together, and show him a better alternative.

[givingitmyall]

By the way, their argument was over optimism vs. pessimism. S13 now advocates pessimism as the best way to protect himself from inevitable pain. Think optimism only leads to disappointment so why bother. Phew. Before our sitch, he was the most optimistic one.

WHOA! NO, NO, and, um NO!

Pick up a copy of "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. Optimism IS the way. Pessimism = depression.

And on the thing with the innocent friendship with the woman you hung out with this weekend, I agree with Gardener - take it easy on yourself. Nothing wrong with what you did or what you are feeling.

[Gardener]

Awoken,

Good for you. Consider telling him that becoming pessimistic is a perfectly natural and completely understandable response to the pain he's been witnessing and experiencing and that you understand this.

Also plant the seed that a pessimist is one who often doesn't enjoy life or do "what's right, what's best or what's fun', because of X, while an optimist enjoys life and will do them despite X.

Ask him which he thinks is the stronger stance.

And with the PMA: You're the Dad. You've got to lead on this, model this. Hell, fake it for now, just so long as they see it in you and are able to take their cue from you.

[Awoken]

Thanks GIMA and Gardner.

I've got "Learned Optimism." Been working out of it, but I need to get back to it. I haven't shown much optimism lately have I?

It was a struggle not to mention the book to my son; I know he wasn't ready to hear anything right then anyway. Just needed to be listened to for the most part.