What should I do?

[ericmsant2]

Lost - I am defined by the man...actually the man that I want to be not the man that I am right now. Although someone did tell me that I have already "stared down the worst and I'm still standing". So maybe I am defined by the man that I am becoming.

I not so hung on the Rican thing but it would be interesting to see another "macho" rican's perspective. Although I am pretty much an American I do have quite a few of the traditional hispanic traits, some of which I believe made my wife fall in love with me. I can be strong, controlling, jealous, protective, passionate, funny, critical and a leader. My wife and I married young and she was pretty shelter her whole life....as she reminds me on our first breakfast date...I thought it was funny that she did not know what a bagel was. She's throw that one in my face as a justification for her need to "find herself" and be as "strong as you are". What she cannot see is that she is actually stronger than me. She put up with my isecurity and controling for 16 years. She's put up with me being a drug addict for a 1 (our first year of marraige), she's put up with my immaturity and all of the other issues that I have. Poor money management, etc. All along she used to say the good always outwayed the bad. I guess until I gropped someone on my 40th birthday party. I was hammered but it is not an excuse. As I write this..I want to cry...sorry man...I feel like I've blown it. I think back on all of the crap that I;ve done and she stood their and here I am pissed that she has jumped into the arms of someone else. Hell part of me cannot blame her. I am changing I have changed and as sick as it sounds I can thank her for some of these changes. Damn - I miss her!