Thanks again rr22. Amazing how we can read something in a book, but until someone rephrases it or a situation hits us, it can be easily forgotten.
I really wish that she wouldn't play games with me. If she would just say what is on her mind/heart fearlessly, our R could go so much further. I'm really banking on the self-esteem/IC stuff helping her. If not, I've got to the point where I know I can't continue living with her - love or not love.
June asked me if I would stay if we 'fixed' my main concerns. I thought that choosing/developing love was my main issue. Last night, when I tried uselessly to sleep for 3 hours, I felt that feeling of loss. I re-examined the feeling and knew it wasn't just loss, it was loneliness, too. Love? Not yet, but close. I need to feel safe in the R, feel accepted not ashamed, and then I can connect. Those are the 'minimums'.
She came to sleep in our bed later, and both of us tossed and turned for an hour, 1/2 of which I hugged her to try to break some of the fear (if it was). While I can't say I succeeded, I realized that my minimums haven't been met.
I probably need to keep working on meeting hers, too.
