TBH I wouldnt even consider he is doing it to annoy or hurt you, he is just being totally thoughtless, ok it has the same effect!
Did make me laugh the thought of H shouting the odds at his lost power lead only for you to find it where he didnt look typical man thing not looking under their noses lol! Sorry fella's reading.
Glad you made a nice day of it and enjoyed the play with S.
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
H4L, I know I've asked some version of this before but what does pre-piecing look like? In a way does it look like a hesitant ghost of the original, pre-marriage dating? For instance, positive but formal comments about an outing, some laughter, and a return of willingness to share food. Did you always experience withdrawal after anything positive?
rr22, I couldn't tell you. I moved to piecing when a) my H began MC with me, and b) the anger started dying down. Yes, this included some laughter and sharing some food. But all our time still is with S. There is no dating of any kind. There's no affection, talk of reconsiliation, or time spent just the two of us. One time I asked him to go out with me as an xmas present, he did. We also started watching tv together before bed when he is here, but presumably he is here just for S.
I can't tell you my sitch is like others, so please measure your own sitch according to your own gut feelings.
For me, I did a little theatre night tonight. I expected H to be upset, but when I called to say I was coming home, he asked how it went. That was a positive baby step. We also watched some tv and had some laughs before bed. Positive.
But I"m still upset over no VDay gift or card, no ILYs, or talk of the future. Still upset H won't spend time with me alone. I'm getting exhausted from the rejection.
But our MC went well today in that H said he was willing to work on his anger issues, and that he understands that I may like hearing that but still be afraid he won't calm himself in the moment. He admitted he gets more aggressive when confronting about his anger in the moment, and heard how hard this is for me. No resolutions, but he heard that this is a crucial issue for me that must be worked on if we are to reconsile.
So, good and bad, up and down. Hope is not lost, but love is not in the air, either.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. I wonder if in MC the topic of leaving the house together, even for an afternoon coffee or hike or something, is going to come up. Or is the idea wait for him to initiate anything at all social without S? And that hopefully this will happen when more overall resentment dies down?
It sounds like positive stuff about the theatre GAL calmness and him hearing about the anger issues. And that he's now willing to watch TV and hang out some in the evening. I can understand though how it would be difficult to be dealing with hard stuff in MC with only tiny occasional glimpses of the positive outside there. I wonder if your H still has his guard up and if he's gotten comfortable behind it.
I agree that not even a jokey VDay card or junk candy is upsetting. I really don't get it. Truly, how much would it imply? Nothing actually. Like a tiny gesture of kindness is going to save a R? Of course not. So if the reason is not to "give false hope" that reason seems a little bankrupt. Seems like an conscious or unconscious act of resentment to me. But I can also see how it may not be. Who knows?
I tried to put Vday out of my head immediately as best as I was able and focussed on the positives of our lunch. Which of course it's difficult to do knowing he's willing to do any number of things with any number of people that are now "off the list" for whatever reasons for me.
If it's any consolation, my H refuses to participate in holidays with me at all since this started. Often he doesn't participate in them either (or pretends he doesn't) since all this started. He also is controlling about timing, frequency, and type of outings but may think he isn't? It's very weird. He would not sit on a sofa and watch TV with me as your H does. Your H could bolt from the house as soon as you got home, so I think him hanging around with you at all there is positive.
H4L (()) you are doing so well hun! I know how hard it is for you even more so that H is under your nose and still no signs of affection. He has built a good strong wall to hide you behind and at the moment a huge amount of resentment is acting like a concrete wall behind the bricks, bet hes even got a barbed wire roll on top incase of emergencies..
I tried to look at the wall in a different way its not keeping you out its keeping him in.. If he has anger issues at least he has his wall to go behind until it times to face a little bit of his issue in MC, which means hes not throwing his toys at you which he used to do in the past when things didnt go his way. I wonder if validating his wall might get him to look at it.. you know Mr Rabbit and I used to joke about his wall and about how well it was built and did he needs some more mortar to put the brick back on I'd just knocked off.. over time he saw how much his wall was stopping him from enjoying things..
Just chucking thoughts about but what about saying I know your not ready for any R at home yet but it would be nice to go out and have coffee as friends, lets face it what ever happens in the long run we need to work on that! Were coming into spring nearly so think about things like after dinner taking S to the park on his park for half hour or playing ball in the garden with him, things you can instigate and H join in.. Or feed S get him to bed and make a special dinner for you and H.
You have come such a long way and although this is gonna be painful to hear both of you have been in this anger/pain/anger cycle for years, its gonna take a long time to turn it round but you can do it, great news he acknowledged your theatre night and it is a big positive baby step he is still going to MC.. chin up chicken some how we will get through this all together ((()))
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Thanks you two - you're right I have so much to be thankful for. We have come a long way and it will take a long time to turn around the cycle. The blessing is that H is seeing his part in it now, and although he is still in WAS blame mode, at least that is a step.
This morning when he started joking around with me about my issues, I reminded him how hard I'm working on being different. His attitude has been, promises mean nothing, only time will tell. Then he said I"m only not "freaking out" as he calls it because he isn't around much. That is WAS BLAME BS!!!!
How am I going to get him to start spending more time with me - alone - to see that things can be different. I see that as long as he is making changes too it may be possible. BUt I'm so sick and tired of having all the positive stuff of a R witheld until he is "certain I won't freak out". Well I'm just different. I think it makes the hard times a lot easier to deal with when there's some positive closeness to back it up.
BUt like LR said - he's built his wall to protect himself. It's got full arsenal all around. It's true! I guess it helps to look at it that way - it hurts just a tiny bit less.
You dont discuss your changes with him, you dont need to prove to him your changing.. you are changing for you, ODP is for you and also as an example for S to grow up with a mum who can control her feelings and not let them overwhelm her..
Next time he starts blaming you or making out your changes are temporary all you need to do is say "im working on mine, what are you doing" and walk away... or if you can even better say "we'll see" wink at him and walk away, be sexy sassy H4L.. You dont have to hide behind a wall because you know what you are and what you are doing and what you hope to change for your future.
Next 180 for you.. Dont let H get to you with digs about your changes, ignore, walk away or have sassy cheeky back answer!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I second LR above. Except I'd go jokey instead of pointing the finger at him. I mean it's true and all: what IS he doing about his issues? But pointing it out will just escalate him.
Discussing changes seems to just provide him with an opportunity to lord a negative (and incorrect) opinion over you. Just because he has trust and negativity and fear issues now from his own pre-H4L life and your past R doesn't mean you haven't changed or that you today have to absorb his fears and jibes.
H4L said: BUt I'm so sick and tired of having all the positive stuff of a R witheld until he is "certain I won't freak out". Well I'm just different. I think it makes the hard times a lot easier to deal with when there's some positive closeness to back it up.
I agree. I guess you're going to have to squint to find the positive stuff for awhile. Maybe in MC you will get to the point where it isn't just dredging up issues. Maybe you could have a day in MC of positive recall of good times had and strengths to build on to improve everyone's attitude.
I also agree with LR's plan to get out of house with S and maybe that will help get you out of house with H. too in the spring.
On how he will see the changes: never take his accidental anger bait. Never. And never take his testing bait jibes either.
Think about it this way: if this doesn't work out, you will be a whole new calm happy zen wife for someone and he will be a guy who doesn't trust and blames his future partner. So keep remembering that you are only proving something (your success and changes) to you.
Well when the weather is good, we've been known to go outside together, it's not that, it's that H and I never spend time together alone - only when it's S focussed.
As for the 2x4 I'll take that. It's a little different now because we are in MC and we are talking about specifics we need each other to change. And, we've talked about how H doesn't believe I'm changing even though I am. So it's no mystery. But it's true about having a one- up attitude instead of a one-down attitude. It's true I struggle with his jibes, as it is a bit of an MO with him. I feel quite put down when he accuses me of something I simply don't do any more and then he takes credit for "making me behave" as he used to say. It's quite insulting. And I never know what to say. It feels like an attack, so it feels like I should defend my own honor. It's quite unbelievable to me that he can see our R this way.
I am very open to suggestions as my responses may be weak. I'm just not there yet that i don't take his anger or bait or jibes. I'm really bad at it. So suggestions welcome
