Looking backward but only to move forward SEVEN

[sage]

Hi Betsey (and OT, and amd, and whitelight, and redheaded wife!),

I appreciate so much you taking the time to write to me. I was shocked when I logged back in just now and saw that it was nearly 2 months since I had last written. I just spent a 4 day weekend at home...1/2 of it quite nice, some good time with Charlotte, good times with h, too, and the other half not so nice as once again I found myself doing too much, trying hard (really! truly!) to ask for help, but then ending up angry and po'd. Then, the drive to work this AM...back to the thoughts of "not having an affair with h", feeling guilty for letting things get to me, etc. I know, know, know the right steps to take to break this cycle...the combo of DB'ing and Men are from Mars, and "love is letting go of fear", and meditation but I swear, my brain doesn't even seem to be wired in a DB way anymore. Well, that's not actually true. All of the goal setting and tracking and working hard capability is THERE but it feels like I can't stay focused for long enough to see changes.

OT, you asked why no time away for me -- it's primarily $. If nothing else, in a few months I am going away for 5 days for work which both makes me very sad (and worried! I hate flying!) but also does spell at least a few days of catching up on books and sleep and being with my own self. Yes, it will be work, but not that overwhelming in content.

Betsey, as always, I value your input so much! I caught my husband checking my face this AM as I walked into a room -- no doubt to see if I was angry at something (I wasn't) and I was chagrined and sad by that. I honestly feel as though I have tried to talk to him about what is going on, the help I need, etc. and he either isn't getting or says he gets it and will help but doesn't.

Is my anger there for a reason as Whitelight suggested? Well, sure, no doubt some of it is, and some of it isn't. And yes, it does feel like a dramatic disconnect at times...to not be able to ask honestly for what I want..or to choose not to (more honestly) because 50% of the time I don't get it (and get somewhat tweaked by him about it) and then some portion of the time he agrees but doesn't follow through.

but the rest of the truth is that he does help a lot, does do quite a bit at times, and maybe I'm just not paying enough attention to it. Or maybe it's just that I want it MY way. Or, hell, I don't know.

I do know that once again this AM I realized that I need to change things up...need to fix things, at least in myself, or I will lose what I have. And be unhappy in the process.

I'm going to start listening to Keeping Love Alive. I think that will help.

In the meantime....I see h watching me for signs of anger. I am going to use that to get this under control...to ask more directly for what I need instead of stewing...and to shed the things that don't matter.