how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

should i expect this to happen again and again? obviously, you have never met him and every person is different, but it's been difficult for him to break free of the cycle...have you ever found yourself in the same situation over and over again?

Yup. Now things that I love, I commit to and I think commit quite well. From what I've read, I would infer that the part of ADHD that affects committment is the fear of failure. When you've failed a lot, do you keep going down the road that is very rewarding, but also filled with failures, too?

My guess is that if you get a good understanding of how he reacts to R stressors that are controllable, without breaking your boundaries, and expect fallout or avoid it, he'll feel less failure and then be more committed. On the other hand, maybe when he's networking alone, he's thinking 'why am I alone' and that triggers him. His IC will need to figure that one out. Perhaps, God willing, you will get back together knowing things are tentative. Maybe you can ask him to explore his dissatisfactions with his IC, but I'd be afraid that would be rocking the boat.

For me, part of my distress with my W is that she can't handle uncertainty. She hates that me/my sister (etc) accept having flexible fun schedules, leave later/earlier/whatever. She likes a solid footing. If you need things very fixed in your life with your R, you already know that isn't likely.

I hate marking. I want to do it, I believe it is very, very important. Yet, once again, I have a stack that is beyond unmanagable. Yes, I'm going through a very rocky time, but I haven't quite learned. Will I quit over it and find a new career? I don't think so, but I've thought about it out loud. My W needs to know I need her then to support me, not tell me to quit....so yes, I repeat mistakes. Don't we all? Diff is in the why & how much, not the what.

I'm not sure if I answered your question well...ask again if it wasn't.

[trytryagain]

i guess i'm just thinking out loud here...if it's true this is a cylce that will only continue to repeat itself, how much of myself do i want to invest in this R?

The difference this time (correct me if I'm wrong) is that H is talking to IC to sort himself out. You'll have to wait and watch that process. He will have to prove through his actions over time that things can and will be different moving forward.

when he wanted to separate back in 2008, he started seeing a counselor. i watched and waited. he proved through his actions that things would be different. and now i'm in this place again. he's seeing a new IC this week, and i think he's going into it with a different mind set, but again...how much waiting and watching and proving do you put up with? i know it's a question that only i can answer...but when your friends and your family are saying, he's only going to do it again - it's kind of hard not to think, hmmm....maybe they are right.

[pearlharbr]

TTA, I hear you. On one hand, you want your M to work and you've seen the change so you want to believe this time will be different. OTOH, if all of your family and friends are in agreement you don't want to be the person who ignored all of the warnings and wind up in the same place yet again but with the feeling that you've wasted valuable time.

I'm in the same place. And it sucks. The lack of clarity is a killer. I wish I could offer you some advice on how to figure it out but that's why I'm seeing an IC myself! And not getting anywhere either. So if you do find a good decision-making process, PLEASE let me know!

[trytryagain]

If you need things very fixed in your life with your R, you already know that isn't likely.

i'm probably a middle of the road kind of person. i do like routine and certainty, but if the boat gets rocked i'm not going to get too bent out of shape about it. he does tend to flip the script pretty regularly, but it's one of the things i like about him...he's never boring or predictable!

it is hard, though, in terms of liking things a certain way. but even in that sense, i've learned to be more flexible and not freak out when things aren't just the way i like them.

[Onthemountaintop]

i guess i'm just thinking out loud here...if it's true this is a cylce that will only continue to repeat itself, how much of myself do i want to invest in this R?

Do you think YOU are the same person? Are you approaching the R the same way? I am not trying to overdo a compliment, but I really think that if my W was doing what you have said that you are doing/trying to do, I'd be much less likely to be unhappy.

Your H might have VERY different feelings, but I'd add to my last response by saying this...in my 11 yr marriage, I thought about D a lot - monthly or more. Did I ever tell her before this last year? Only once, we talked about it. The fact of the matter is the kids have provided for me enough of a reason to hope/work this far. It isn't enough forever, I think. How many men D in the first 2-3 yrs. A US stat document on D points that most D are in the first 5 yrs. Despite ADHD and huge failures that have put my deepest values in question, I got that far.

Can your H? Only time will tell. But one thing we know about DB is that many premises change a lot about our M dynamics. Maybe this is one area that you don't need to explore now. IF/When you get together and you give it enough time (1yr?) and he's still talking D, then maybe you can give up.

But not now. You've gotten so far.

[trytryagain]

OTOH, if all of your family and friends are in agreement you don't want to be the person who ignored all of the warnings and wind up in the same place yet again but with the feeling that you've wasted valuable time.

thanks, pearl. i think i also worry what my family/friends would think. would they think i'm an idiot, i deserve better, i have to know this is going to happen again? how can i bring my H back to my parent's house for holidays or just to hang out when i'm secretly thinking, they must think i am a fool. i know it's a dumb thing to worry about, because i can't control what other people say or think and i shouldn't even really care that much when it comes to my life. but these are people i love and respect and i just have visions of them looking at each other the second i leave the room and saying, have you ever seen such a messed up marriage in all your life, why doesn't she just tell him to hit the road?

you're right. it does suck.

[trytryagain]

i guess i'm just thinking out loud here...if it's true this is a cylce that will only continue to repeat itself, how much of myself do i want to invest in this R?

Do you think YOU are the same person? Are you approaching the R the same way? I am not trying to overdo a compliment, but I really think that if my W was doing what you have said that you are doing/trying to do, I'd be much less likely to be unhappy.

i don't feel like the same person. all the reading i've done has really altered my perspective of relationships and marriage in general, in a good way. i feel like i have a totally new understanding of how my actions and my reactions affect my H and ultimately, our M. he pointed out a lot of things about me that are not things i am proud of. i do not want to be that way and i've chosen to change my ways. i'm working to make the changes stick. i do appreciate the compliment, it has taken a lot of work and a lot of soul searching on my part to get me to this point. it's been over a month since he first mentioned separating and i have to say, i'm definitely in a better place than he is.

[Onthemountaintop]

how can i bring my H back to my parent's house for holidays or just to hang out when i'm secretly thinking, they must think i am a fool.

Now that I've talked about the D with some friends and family, I feel very awkward thinking about saying, "ya, we were about to D twice in 6 months, but we've worked it out and now I think we'll be happy forever". Forget awkward - stupid, naive, mean, controlling, guilty...lots of bad feelings.

The only thing comforting is that 3 different couples have said they were shocked we were talking D, because they thought we were such a good match. (ADHD creativity...I know how to fake a feeling when networking!)

Would I rather go and say I D? To them, yes. To others I'll meet in the future, colleagues, etc, no. To them, without explaining the whole story, I'm sure they'll think that either I or she was messed up. What a drag to feel! I don't want to blame anyone, but inside me I think our problem is more her "fault". That doesn't change the feeling of failure to success.

[pearlharbr]

i think i also worry what my family/friends would think. would they think i'm an idiot, i deserve better, i have to know this is going to happen again? how can i bring my H back to my parent's house for holidays or just to hang out when i'm secretly thinking, they must think i am a fool.

Yep, I worry some about what my friends think. Mostly I worry that if I do decide to leave eventually that they will not be as supportive as they were the last time because I tried to make it work. I worry that I will face "I told you so" from a lot of people. I mentioned that to a few of my closest friends. They assured me that they want what is best for me and will be supportive of any decision I make. But I do know that at least one thinks I should dump him immediately and start over because he said I didn't seem happy when we met for lunch last month. Sigh.

Ultimately your family and friends love you and will support you. We all make the best decisions we can at the time and have to go from there.

[trytryagain]

thanks, pearl! nothing is worse than "i told you so!" most of my friends assure me of the same thing, but i still find myself attempting to justify to my friends and even my family why i would WANT to work things out, especially when i feel like we go through this breakup thing every 12-18 months.

i also know that i understand our R and my H better than any of my friends or family, and that only the 2 people in a R can truly know all of what is going on...but it doesn't make it any easier to tell friends, "yup, we're going to try to work things out. AGAIN."

my H tells me his family is also questioning why he is in contact with me. not that they don't like me or anything like that. and my mom asks me on a daily basis if anything has changed. i told my sister we'd had dinner on sunday and she said, so are you back together? sigh.

no one can understand this kind of stuff except for other people going through the same thing.