What should I do?

[ericmsant2]

Trusting...I just started reading the thread on your signature...You appear to be in the same sitch as me with the S still in the house. The struggle I continue to have is if she is actually a MLC or a WAS. I understand your comment of being nice, which is what normally I do.

She goes to work very early (a new job - she worked part time for 9 yrs but went out to a get a full time job so that she can take care of herself) and so I get up a make breakfast for her every day. I lay it out and then go upstair. I actually do this because I want to. I want to show her that although she can be "cold" although not nasty - "clinical" would be the best way to describe it. She tells me to have a nice day, I say the same. Since she is working long hours (part of the long hours I believe is spent with OM - who apparently is a supervisor at her job) I make dinner for everyone, including her just about every day. She on the contrary will make dinner for me sometime. I have also noticed that when I offer to make her a sandwich or something she says no that she can do it. I asked about 2 months ago if making her breakfast pissed her off - she said no but that I should not expect anything. Since consitency was an issue in our R I need to remain consist I believe, which is a reason why I continue to do this. My question to the group is - should I continue. Is this a form of pursuit. I think she does appreciate it and I really do it from the bottom of my heart to help her since I know that working a 40 hour week is new to her. Thoughts.

[Lostforwords]

You aren't missing a thing Eric....it takes time to get here.

Is respecting your spouses decisions the truest form of love?

Whether they hurt or feel good.....when you accept only one it is conditional, when you accept both it is unconditional.

[ericmsant2]

One other question...since she is normally pretty "cordial" is this a sign that she may not be MLC and may be a WAS?

[fisherman]

Eric,

They're all different. It depends on the person and their issues. Some are down right nasty, others are not, and some are in between.

Some spend, some don't, and on and on we can go. Placing all of your focus on her will rob you of your time and energy.

Your focus and energy has got to shift to you and it has to stay there.

[Lostforwords]

Dinner...yes. That is for the whole family

Breakfast...no. That is pursuing and trying to make her happy.

I had the same thing except it was laundry....she was fine with it for awhile and then eventually blew. So I stopped!

In my experience "cordial" is more a sign of MLC as opposed to WAS. Reading up on WAS...they often seem vindictive...where a MLC is trying to run away from it all.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

My question to the group is - should I continue. Is this a form of pursuit. I think she does appreciate it and I really do it from the bottom of my heart to help her since I know that working a 40 hour week is new to her. Thoughts.

Answer the reason WHY you do this honestly to yourself and you will have your answer.

Maybe you have answered honestly, maybe your haven't.

Your motives should be transparent from your actions.

From my point of view from many of your other posts prior, I believe you seem to think that 'guilt' might be a way to win her back.

It might.

But you REALLY do not want her coming back because of guilt. Your life and marriage would suck beyond what you currently think it does right now.

You want her back for the 'right' reasons, not for 'any' reason. The ends do not justify the means.

The reason you do not involve your kids, is because as the DAD it is your job to protect them, and telling them what mom is doing is NOT PROTECTING them. You are a terrible father to burden your children with that information if you do so. Your W's affairs will come to light, and when that happens you preserve what you can in your childrens mind of their mother.

She either fixes or destroys herself in their minds, and all you do is protect them and that 'good' image of her in them.

THAT is your job, as a father.

They are NOT your support, you dp not cry on their shoulder. You are their rock, not their anchor.

God Bless Jack...

Please Eric, and seriously, Stop. I get uncomfortable there are others just as deserving, more so in fact, that do not get this treatment or praise.

[ericmsant2]

Okay so I have answered the question - breakfast is pursuit - I am not sure it is guilt as much as pursuit. Although this is pursuit it was part of the 180 that I was attempting to do. I wanted to show her that I was supportive of her need to work and grateful for her attempt at helping the family out. So although this is pursuit if I stop I begin to show a lack of consistency but then again I need to be consitent with other actions re: being the best dad I can be.

[cat04]

Mach - I understand that it is a little bit of manipulation but would it not also help to have her focus on our relationship as opposed to another one. If she focused on the other R then how can I expect her to notice any of the changes in ours?

This will not have the effect you think it will.

It is controlling and will backfire on you big time. She will not notice the changes in your sitch until she is ready to.

If I am to sit back and allow it what does this say about me then? I mean she is pretty much doing it my face - would someone with confidence in himself sit back and allow it to happen right in his face.

Boy, nothing like male pride….

It says that you are willing, despite how much her actions hurt, to give her the time that she needs to figure out what she wants.

It says that you are not looking for the easy way out.

How can she respect me if I sit back and allow it - actually as I wrote this I guess she does not respect me now.

She will show you respect after she is treated with respect for a long long time.

I just feel so humiliated.

We have all been there. Most of us anyway. It is hard but it can be overcome.

I just wish I could somehow reach her. I wish I could hold her in my arm and tell her how much I love her.

You can’t do that right now….MLC does not work like that. Things that would make sense in a normal R, make no sense around here.

How then can I still demonstrate love? How? How?

By doing the work in yourself that is required of MLC. By growing as a human, as a man, as a father. By learning how to make yourself happy while you let her flip and flop in the wind for now.

I have read a lot of what we recognize as “script” on this thread. As well as what I believe the MLC radar will pick up as not true for you changes.

I hate to say it, as nice as it is to have breakfast made for you everyday, it does not fix a marriage. Because it does not change who you are inside. That is where the changes have to come from. Within.

Yes the gestures are nice, but they are gestures.

IF they are true gestures of affection... that is how you will SHOW her your love.

By being happy doing these things, because they are things that YOU enjoy, not just because you want her to see that you are different.

Time is on your side. Forget about September for now. It could come and go without her even realizing it. Or not.

There are no guarantees in this. There are no quick fixes. Just a ton of hard, emotional work.

It is time to take the focus off of your W for real for a while.

Read the resources, learn about MLC, learn how to live for you and your kids. If you can do those things, the monsters in your head will slow down and you will be able to take another step. Then another, then another. Before you know it you will be walking and those monsters will be way behind. Right now, THEY and YOU are your own worst enemy.

Even a few months in, you are still at the beginning. Right now, take it minute by minute, then day by day. Have patience with yourself and with her.

You can do this.

[ericmsant2]

Thanks Cat - I know your right that confronting her about OM will not have the desired effect. But I do have say as a hispanic male..this is a tough pill to swallow..a tough one but one that I will for the love of my W. I appreciate your comments on the message that it sends re: "giving her the time she needs to figure out what she wants". I am working on my patience, which hopefully I'll learn thru this process.

I appreciate your comments and you and everyone are correct I need to focus on me and my kids for a while. The one positive in all of this is the new R I do have with my babies (okay so the 16 year old is 6'1 220 lbs - he still my baby). This is the one positive. I just need to remind myself why I am doing this, which is save my family and become the man that God wants me to be.

I'm going to sign up on FB tonight and will look everyone up.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

There ARE cultural differences. Some can help and some can hurt.

I know several hispanic ladies who could offer some amazing insight if they are lurking around.