Question

[Lucky11too]

That situation with OW's H sure is messed up. You can see why it is the way it is but it's still so ridiculous
You know it's a tough call and you have opened yourself up to hurt again but you have also opened yourself to the possibility of love again. It's the risk we take. It's not over yet so just keep doing what you can. Maybe he has made his decision but maybe he can still be open to change thru you. In a matter of weeks, he's going to lose you forever if he doesn't give up OW. As scary as that is for you, you know it's got to be even more scary for H. You are a strong woman and can be strong with or without H. Hopefully H can get hit with that realization before it's too late. Stay strong! You're in the home stretch now!

[awest1217]

Thanks. I just keep reminding myself that I have just a few more weeks. I can handle a few more weeks. I have some stuff I can do this weekend to keep me busy while H is off with OW doing whatever it is they do. It is just hard to be loving knowing he is hanging out with OW and they tell each other they love each other and that he can't live without talking to her and seeing her, but he can go without me. Oh well...one day she will be gone and he will be alone, unless he comes home, but honestly it is a long shot. I don't see him coming home. HE will probably look at apartments with OW just like he did in May last year to find something suitable for both of them.

Just a few more weeks. I am going to try to stay positive, but the fact he hasn't text me at all today shows...we are back to ignoring...what a good thing to do, but oh well, it will help me realize what I need to do.

[Lucky11too]

Do you think H is ignoring you b/c you called him out on changing his password or b/c of your discussion regarding OW? Honestly, I don't get it either. Obviously he loves you and has feelings for you b/c out of all the OW's he's ever met, he decided to marry and have a child with you. That speaks tons. Why does he jeopardize all that by not just giving up OW, who at the end of the day, is nothing! It must be some mental block or something, but I sure don't get it. I also don't get the audacity of these OW's that have the nerve to knowingly destroy a marriage. I was just so shocked to learn that unlike me, there are women out there like our H's OWs who have no problem with it. Crazy! But like you are saying, it helps you realize your path. Still do what you can in these last couple of weeks, but it does finally come down to H and the choices he makes. Just continue to do what you can to lead him to the right path. Any word from H yet?

[awest1217]

Still nothing from H, and yes I believe he is mad about me confronting him about his password. He gets so mad about that stuff, but honestly if he is going to ignore me again that is fine with me. I just get my answer sooner because he is not going to ignore me for weeks and then decide "I missed you" like before and say "I want to come home" because this time the answer will be no. I am not going to have this. He knows what he needs to do and I am not going to expect him to go cold turkey and come home and not talk to her. He won't do it so if he wants to come home, he needs to ween now. He doesn't think that far into the future and will decide at the last minute, probably the Friday of the weekend he needs to move because he hates making decisions and this one is huge. Either lose me for forever or lose OW for forever. He has had now 11 months for figure it out...and still the same answer. Decision time is here and he honestly thinks that no matter what I am going to welcome him back with open arms...

Of course I am all hard right now because H is totally going dark again for no real reason, but when it comes to it who knows what I will be able to do. I did tell him once we were goign to divorce so I guess i can do it again. The difference this time is if I say he can't come home, then he has no where to go. It slightly breaks my heart, but he brought this on himself.

I am going to try to start compiling boxes so if H decides to not come home, or just never makes a decision, I can box everything up and dump it wherever he ends up. I will also need to prepare a letter to my in-laws about what is going on and ask them about some of their things that we have been using; a table and chairs, a couch, and the piano. I don't want to keep it unless it is keeping it for forever because I don't want H to say in a year, I want that back.

The end is near. I can definitely feel it. It is kind of a relief the more I think about it. Yeah either choice with have its obstacles, but they can be fixed and it won't be limbo. YIPPIE!

[awest1217]

H finally text me tonight at 7 pm when he said he was leaving work. Very glad I didn't text him first because I think that would have ruined it. We texted for about an hour about his day. He didn't really ask about mine, but that is one thing that was lacking in our relationship before. H is very selfish and needs me to listen and reassure him all about his day, then if he has time he will ask about mine. Kind of what started this a little. I was tired of that, and the OW, and so I stopped talking about myself completely. H thought I was being mean, but he rarely asked so I thought why bother. He then stopped talking about himself and we grew apart. I am trying to listen again which is drawing us closer together, but I need him to ask about my day and not just how was your day, but actually ask follow up questions and listen like he wants me to do.

It was good that he did text me. Nothing about last night so I am just going to let that go. I am going to just try and do like I said keep fostering a good relationship with him and continue to show him I have changed; listening, not controlling, not holding a grudge. Now off to a bath. I need it because it was 1.5 hours of shoveling and a long night last night. I did say how I shoveled and H said he should have been there to help. I said that was ok because he was working, but inwardly thinking "you haven't been here to help all winter, or last spring or summer when I single handedly did everything around the yard that you always wanted to make the house more of what you want." Time to relax. Only three more days until the weekend. Then Finals week and a new trimester that should be much better than this one. My classes are smaller and the students I have most I know and they are more calm than I have now. Then it is D-day. Everything is starting to fall into place for me. Hard stuff might be ahead, but I am feeling good right now and will take that.

Bath time!

[Lucky11too]

That's excellent that he did contact you. Hopefully that means he's working past his childlish need to ignore you every time something doesn't go his way. But like you're saying, all you can do is show him the best you that you can and foster a relationship for the time left. You are a better and stronger person now and hopefully he'll step up to the challenge to meet you.

It's amazing how selffish our H's are though. I'll too always ask and listen about his day and how he's doing, but rarely does he ask about mine. Sometimes I'll just tell him how it's going to have some communication, but rarely does he actually ask. I've really been thinking about how you help a person overcome their selffishness, but I don't know if there is a good solution for that...maybe just time and maturity?

Yeah, there is definitely a lot coming up for you these next couple of weeks. There's some solace in the fact that the time in limbo land will be up shortly. A little scary though in regards to which way it will go, but it sounds like you have the strength to handle it either way.

[awest1217]

Today has been a whirl wind day. I had to shovel again...and the part to change from tub to shower is not working so I was trying to fix that so now I am sore. Making dinner, folding laundry, giving S a bath...just a lot going on. I called H because I asked him last night about the shower. He said he would buy a new faucet and come over today. I had not heard from him since last night so that is why I called at 5:15. Of course, he didn't answer so I left a message that said I figured he was still at work (our state tests are the first week in March so he is making games and tests to help review with his students so they do well) and that I didn't know if he had gotten anything yet. I told him I had tried to fix it, but it looks broken, and I am scared if we do a fix-it job ourselves it won't be pretty so unless I hear from him soon, I am going to call my dad. He didn't call so I called my dad who came over and confirmed I need a new faucet. He is leaving for TN Friday and said he could come over tomorrow and fix it because he is taking the day off of work. I said H said something about wanting to fix it so my dad said that was fine with him because he doesn't want to step on H's toes if he wants to help.

H did text me finally right before my parents got to the house and said he could go tonight and get the faucet (I thought that is what he already said last night) and I said that is ok because it isn't a huge deal...just baths for me until it is fixed. I then said text me when you are done at work. He did and said "i'm sorry you are upset with me". I said I wasn't really I thought he was upset with me. We talked about his day and he never asked about mine so I just didn't say anything. He asked about pizza on Friday (since he hasn't seen us since Monday), and I said that would be ok with me. I am figuring we won't do anything saturday or Sunday since OW's H will be gone, but maybe he will surprise me...

He did say I love you tonight which he hadn't said since monday so that is good, but definitely less texts than I was getting, but he might be honestly getting stuff done for the iStep. Overall, nothing bad. I am hoping he will text me good night so we will see. Off to a bath then maybe something hot to drink so I can unwind from a long day.

[Lucky11too]

Wow! That is a busy day. It's good that despite the apparent fall back of H, he actually jumped right back on board rather quickly. It's great that your dad was there to help you, but it will be even more great if H actually follows thru and gets the faucet fixed for you. At the very least, he's maintaining the closeness you two have developed over the past couple of weeks. He's still initiating time together (Friday night pizza) and being verbally affectionate. This weekend will be a good gage of how things are progressing with OW though.

Hope you had a relaxing night with a bath and your hot drink. That sure does sound good. =)

[awest1217]

I feel much better today, and it hsn't snown more so hopefully I get a day of no shoveling. I slept with a heating pad on my back so that was helpful.

On the S front, he has been sleeping in his big boy bed now for a week. He did wake up early this morning and want to come to bed with me, which I let him. I think that over the past week, we haven't had a lot of mommy/S time so he is missing me. Between spending extra time with H and doing house hold chores, plus the extra fun stuff that is coming up, we haven't had any really together time so I think he just needs some of that tonight. Yesterday, he was driving me crazy while I was trying to do dishes so I said "just leave me alone while I do the dishes, you are driving me crazy." He said "mommy I just love you". Just melts my heart. Tonight is definitely a S/mommy night, and we have the weekend to spend time together.

With H, this morning the car stalled again and the check engine light came on like it did in December I think it was. I text H and told him, after I fixed things like I did before. The car is running, but the light is still on so if it is tonight after work it will have to go into the mechanic. H was nice and reminded me what he did before and said have a good day with i love you and x's and o's. Then I got a text that asked when the car insurance and life insurance were due. Those were the bills I got during the three weeks of nothing and I am not going to pay them or remind him (especially since he may not come home...he has to learn). I said the car insurance was due the 16th and the life insurance in January. I was driving so it took me a while to text back and he said he was sorry and understands if I am upset. I said it wasn't my problem, they are his bills not mine. He then said how he doesn't understand why he can't pay bills on time. His credit card bill is late every month, same with his phone line, and other things. I said I know he is capable and just has to do it and said I love you.

I know he can't pay bills and if we get a divorce he will have horrible credit because he can't pay bills on time. Oh well...it won't be my problem. I don't think he realizes how much work not coming home will be. It would be so much easier to get rid of OW then have to go through a D. I mean finding a place to live, moving all his junk from the house, filing his own taxes, getting his own car insurance, changing his address on everything....and I am sure so much more. Is it really worth it just so he can "stay friends" with OW? I guess we will find out in 3 weeks.

[Lucky11too]

Aww, so hard to get mad at S, when they can just melt your heart like that. =)

So regarding H's not being able to pay bills on time, I take it that it's not b/c of not having the money, right? I just ask b/c since our H's our so similar, H has the exact same problem. I can't even count the # of times his car insurance has lapsed and relapsed. But that is actually a telling sign of ADD. It's harder to disagnose in adults b/c they don't have the hyper part of it, but it definitely affects their lives and relationships in tremendous ways. Now that I think about it, it would make sense in regards to your H, including the OW issue. He says how he knows he always has an issue having OW's and doesn't know why. People with ADD need that constant "thrill" of adreneline. So yes I'm sure he loves you and cares for you, but these OW's feed his ADD brain. Since I obvoiusly don't know all the depts of your H, try reading "Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?" by Gina Pera and see if it fits for him (or at least try researching it online). Just another avenue to try, but the more knowledge you are equipped with, the stronger you will be. Maybe you can even use this non bill paying isuue and some knowledge of ADD to help him come to some understanding about what he's going thru and even springboard that to therapy. If he knows that its just a fixable (or at least controllable) problem, maybe he'll be more willing to get help then to just go to some therapist and "talk about his feelings" as the stigma goes. Just some thoughts...