What is my #1 goal right now? To have an obituary, that shows that I was married when I die. Really, that's it. If I never have sex again, I can live with that.
...But I have tried to take back my bedroom, and become more assertive in my marriage. That brought me to the edge of divorce two years ago. Sorry, I tried that, and it simply will not work with my wife. She insists on total, 100% control of our relationship.
Two comments. First, if you haven't read the book, No More Mr Nice Guy, get it and read it. If you read it a long time ago, re-read it. All of us deserve the opportunity to try to be the best person we can. It sounds like you are trying to be "nice" to your wife in the hope that she will be "nice" to you and when that doesn't work you try to be even "nicer." This book helped me understand something about myself that I use to think was a real strength and realize that it was really a weakness in my character.
My second comment is that 100% total control in a relationship is not a classic marriage. While I am sure that you are exagerating a little, I also sense a bit of edge in the comment, indicating that you know what I am saying. While you may believe in the permanence of marriage (So have I until this past year, when I have contemplated and am still contemplating divorce), it still means that you can push for a true marriage, even if you can't force your partner into any particular action. I think that the key (at least what I am going/trying to pursue) is to find what you need, give unconditional love (but not slavish love), make yourself a better person by getting an interesting fulfilling life, demand to be treated with loving respect and settle for nothing less (as opposed to begging for love).
Good luck to you. I hope you find happiness.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
