Saying you are "fine" really isn't protesting no.. but you will always have more chances.
I am reccomending you be completely silent. I wouldn't even cook dinner to be honest... I would take your son out to dinner and leave your H to fend for himself.
Affair Engaged spouses will try to setup an arrangement at home where everything is fine. They want YOU to be OKAY with his unilateral secret open marriage (affair). When you say fine and make dinner for him it sends the wrong message in my opinion.
Ghandi did NOT tell the British he was fine, and he certainly did not make the british dinner.
not much to update. I got the "bomb speech" again this morning after husband was out all night driving for work (he does alot of thinking when he is driving). Husband came in this morning and told me again that he is not happy in our situation or being married. Too much commitment and he wasn't ready for that level of commitment...wishes he could take everything back but doesn't regret our son. I just listened to him as i was making bfast in the kitchen while he started talking to me. i don't know why he keeps giving me this same speech. I am just staying away from him right now. I wanted to scream: I GET IT!!! YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MARRIED, OK...."
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
4luv. He's telling you how he FEELS right now, that's all.
You need to learn to distinguish how a person feels in the MOMENT and how someone feels long term.
He does have a deep connection to you and love you. Right now he's miserable and he's sharing that. He is reaching out and he doens't know how to get to a better state of MIND. The PROBLEM is people in this mindset often get IMPULSIVE and ACT on those temporary feelings and do a lot of damage.
YOU can minimize this damage by acknowledging it for what it is and NOT reading more into it.
He loves you. He's scared and frustrated. He feels hopeless and the only solution the hopeless can see is "run away"...
YOU can help by NOT letting his MOOD get to you. For example you likley don't feel happy about your situation EITHER, but you aren't giong to ACT destructively on that. You are working to get PAST that mood hoping for something more positive to show up.
DON'T let what he SAYS get to you. RIGHT in the beginning of divorce remedy Michele says to ignore 100% of what they say and 50% of what they do.
My advice is to STAY AWAY... don't entertain his communicating. Find a FT who will listen to him and give him HOPE.
When you listen to him you just make it worse for you and HE will FEED OFF THAT and get worse himself.
EXTRACTING yoruself OUT of that drama is how you find HOPE and share that hopeful energy with him. Don't subject yourself to his negative energy...its not helping him or you.
I haven't posted in a while but have been reading stitches. i have been GAL and staying distant but not as good as i should have. things have come to a head tonight. my husband walked out tonight and I don't even know why. We had agreed to separate but were doing so in the best possible way by still taking care of our son together and was just waiting for our lease to end to go our separate ways. But somehow things came to a head tonight.
past week: we were hit by a major snow storm so i was stuck in the house from tuesday until friday and therefore had to take care of son all day due to his daycare being closed. husband was gone all night during the snow storm because he said he had to drive for his job at night because the contractors do not drive during the snow. so basically i only saw husband during the day and for the most part he would leave at 6pm and not return until 8 or 9am the next morning. he would sleep, get up at 4pm and then do it all over again. lets say that by the end of the week i was exhausted taking care of a 9month old PLUS trying to work from home and finish a big presentation in between time.
Friday: went out with son shopping and when i got home in the evening my baby had a fever of 101 degrees and was acting VERY sluggish with bad diarrhea. i called the after hours doctor and called husband to tell him about son. husband didn't pick up so i texted "son has fever of 101. waiting on call back from doctor." the doctor called me back right after that and gave me directions on what to do and to take him in if conditions did not improve. My husband didn't contact me by calling or texting until 4 hours later. husband text "is son ok?...I am pissed!" I replied "son is sleep now." then husband went on to text that he was going to give me a break on sat. by watching son during the day and would be home at 11am to watch him. by this time i realize that OW (the one that husband has a child with) was in town. A lot of evidence let me know this including (1) a text message saying that she would come down on vday and (2) the disappearance of bra and underwear that i found hidden in our closet in husband's bag had all of a sudden been taken out along with some pajamas of their son (i assume to return to them) and (3) husband telling me that he would have to get a hotel for work this weekend.
Saturday: husband said he was going to pick up son at 11am instead of watch him at home. i told him that son couldn't go out because he still had a fever. husband promised that he would be here at 11 then to give me a break. husband NEVER shows up to watch son. he doesn't even call and the one time that i called him he didn't answer. I ended up taking son to emergency room which is why i called husband because my son still had a fever and bad diarrhea. husband ended up calling around 7pm and yelled at me for calling him twice and said i was worrying him for no reason. husband calmed down and then asked about son. i told him that son was still sick. husband then proceeded to ask more about son and that is when i told husband that i took him to emergency room. we ended that convo and then husband called back 2 hours later saying "i want to apologize for how i've been acting. i have been so selfish only thinking about myself." i told him "thinks for the apology but it is one thing to treat me like crap...i am a big girl and will get over it but its another thing for him to not be there for his son. then said that son is young and doesn't know at this point but in the future he better not ever make a promise to spend time with his son and not do it." Around 130am husband comes to the house to bring some formula and pedialyte for son. He walks in the bedroom where i am sleep and kneels near the bed and gives me a hug and tells me how sorry he is and that none of this is my fault. that i have been a good wife and that he has just made bad decisions. then husband sits in chair and starts to cry saying that he just feels like he has made of mess of his life and that he knows what is right but keeps doing wrong. that he feels like he has gone too deep and can't get out of it or turn around. i listened. husband kept crying...i reminded him of God's grace and forgiveness and of how Paul in the bible kept trying to do right but would do wrong. i told husband that the flesh is weak and that he can't overcome it without seeking God and opening his heart to the holy spirit. husband continued to express his dissappointment with everything and all the games he has played with me, OW, and anyone else. How these games that he has played to keep himself from getting hurt has just made things worst. blah, blah, blah, more about how sick he is of his the decisions he has made in his life adn how he can keep lying to everyone else but now he can't stand to look at himself in the mirror. husband left the house after this and went back to his "hotel for work."
Sunday: this is where i messed up! after listening to husband last night and not interrupting or saying anything (besides the words on God) when husband came in i told him that i thought about everything he said last night and that i was glad that he was starting to self reflect but i disagreed with the one point he made about marrying me because he felt he owed it to me. i reminded him that thosed feelings were real at the time and that i couldn't let him just discount the beginning and start of our marriage or our 10 years together. well, the reflective husband from the night before was gone and husband blew up and said that just because he tells me his feelings doesn't mean that i have to say anything. i told him that was very one sided and that he should put himself in my shoes sometimes. husband repsonded "i don't put myself in other people's shoes...i have enough problems being in my own." I left out the house after that since husband came to watch baby so that i could treat myself for vday. i saw a movie, shopped, and went out to eat. when i returned home husband or baby were not home. I was pissed becasue my husband had agreed not to take son out in the cold because he was still recovering. long story short, husband's OW was still in town so i guess he couldn't leave her and their son waiting. i ended up calling husband then OW but neither one of them answered. OW texted me wassup and by that time i had calmed down so i texted her back nevermind. husband came in the house and dropped son off and when i asked where did he take son he said don't worry about it...just out. then i said well son was still sick when i left and that husband was reaching his low by taking his son out sick because that is what HE wanted. (YES, mamabear was out...i DON'T play when it comes to the welfare of son.) but then husband got made told me he was packing his stuff tonight and leaving...then said nevermind, i will get my stuff 2morrow but i am gone. i told husband that he could stay and that i would leave but he stormed off. in between all this husband grabbed me and tried to push me and looked very angry. the thing about this whole mess is that husband never had intentions of staying here tonight but i guess i just made it easier for him to leave. before i left to go the movies and last night when he was pouring out his feelings he said that he thought about packing his stuff up and just leaving. today before i left he said it again so i said well do what you wanna do...
i tried to put all the details but this is getting to long.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
I realize that sunday might have been my WORST DBing day ever!!! why did i have to speak my peace on what he said the previous night???? arghhh!!! i think what hit me is that the night he was talking he said that he regrets how bad he has talked to me the past year and that he did ALOT to me and said things to me that he couldn't believe i put up with. husband continued to say that he was waiting for me to speak up or to leave him because he knew that is what he deserved because if i was talking to hiim that way and doing the things that he was doing he wouldn've put up with it. then he said that he knows that when we were dating i would have NEVER stood for the things he has said or did to me and he was waiting, almost wanting that person to come out of me and stand up to him but i never did. that really hit home to me because i did let a lot slide due to trying to save my marriage but i guess my boundaries changed. while dating my boundary was do this or disrespect me in any way and i am out of here. but after i forgave husband for cheating and gettin OW pregnant and then we got married i think he almost figured that i was bluffing and that he got away with no consequences. therefore husband continued to push the envelope during our marriage and i continued to let him walk over me, disrespect me. my stand should have been i am leaving at the first sign of cheating, disrespect but i was scared. scared to leave and of my marriage failing.
all of that to say that i felt i needed to start calling bull on my husband from now on. but now i realize that it just gives hiim further ammunition to make the decisions and justify what he is doing.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
i could really use some advice. i just feel this is a very stressful environment and is like a pot boiling over. since we have already turned in a letter to move out of the apartment in 4 weeks and husband is intent on getting his own place should i just move out ahead of schedule and then go dark with husband? i will be moving back to our home state which is about 6 hours away. husband will remain in current state for his job. this is what he wants....to be on his own...part time dad! I just feel that I am getting blamed for everything and that I can't do anything right. it might be too late in my stitch but I just keep hoping that husband will actually hit rock bottom soon and make some adult decisions.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
i still have not spoken with husband. i texted him to ask him to take son to daycare. it is snowing here and my wipers on my car do not work. husband was also suppose to take me to drop my car of at the body shop and then get a rental today but i still have not heard a word from him. i talked to his mom and she only talked to him for 2 minutes and said that he was being very secretive. i am feeling very angry and sad. I didn't say or do anything to deserve this type of treatment. To just up and leave me with our 9month old baby in an area where i do not have any type of support system. Also, i have to go out of town tomorrow for my job and last week my husband made arrangements so that he would be able to watch baby at night instead of having to go to work. Now I don't even know if I can count on that. i am suppose to leave around 430am and wouldn't return until about 10 or 11pm at night. I am just in a state of shock that this is day 2 of no contact from husband besides two text messages from him yesterday. below was our short text convo:
Me: I am in a bind and have to turn in a presentation to my boss before the end of the day. i need you to watch son for a few hours.
husband: I am not
me: no reply
husband: yesterday when i had him you rushed me home.
me: i don't like to text on this phone and would rather talk. I was concerned about son being out when he was sick the day before and i thought we both agreed to him staying in the house.
husband: no reply.
it seems as though husband is soooo angry with me right now and I have no idea why. just the night before he walked out on me he is crying and apologizing and telling me that none of his bad decisions have anything to do with me and that i haven't done anything wrong. but then the next day is furious with me and walks out on me with no contact since. what did i do? is he really that upset because i responded the next day about some of the things he talked about the night before. is he upset about me being upset because he took our son out? even if so, i didn't know that it would set him off like that.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
i just reread all my old posts under the Newcomers section and am mad that i didn't take the advice of those on this board to leave my husband and move all my stuff. i kept trying to leave for a month or 3 weeks thinking that was enough but i read back over all the past behavior and things that i have put up with and get disgusted that i didn't walk out. i think i was embarrassed to return home and face everyone at home. i have just started telling my friends and it has been the hardest thing even though they have all been VERY supportive and understanding. i just feel like i lost a lot of dignity and respect by putting up with things for so long. hopefully i get those things back when i am out of this environment. my parents are driving a uhaul 6 hours on saturday to help me move my things out of this house....YAY!! a few more days and i will be free...just tying up some loose ends on my end (taking bills out of my name, closing accts, finding a daycare for son in homestate, transferring medical files, etc.). I am just kicking myself for not doing this earlier. Trent, june72, luvless, patpat, lotus, and others tried to tell me to leave for good before and it took this last time of husband walking out for me to get to that place. WOW but what a relief also.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
i am moving today and boy is it a scary thing. I am still hoping for my marriage to be saved but at the same time i know that i have to move forward with life (emotionally and physically). i realize that i have been a basket case trying to "figure out" and keep up with all the lies and mind games that husband has been playing.
Yesterday evening husband picked up son from daycare for the last time and decided that he would take son out to eat and asked if i wanted to eat. I went and we had a nice family dinner. It was almost like a last supper type of thing and i could tell husband was savoring the moment. when we got home, husband sat on the floor to play with son and was watching me pack and said he couldn't believe that i was actually leaving. Then he asked was there anything that he could say to keep me from leaving. I asked was he serious and he said "I don't know." Husband then said how he is not sure what he wants now and just never thought that far into the future to the point of me leaving, packing, and moving. he said that he doesn't even know what his plans are as far as where to go. Then he asked why I couldn't wait a week to leave. I told him i made my plans to leave based on him walking out on Sunday and me not knowing where he was or when he would return.
For the rest of the night husband gave me a lot of hugs and just kept looking at me but then it went downhill from there (at least from my POV). Husband and I started to talk about things and some things came out from my end in regards to things that I knew but never told him I knew. it started when husband told me that if I would have nipped things in the bud the first time that I saw the text messages from OW back in Jan 2009 then he would have straightened up and that the only reason he made a big deal out of me looking at his phone was because he knew he was wrong and wanted to deflect it back to me and make me feel bad. he also told me about a trip he took to OW and son the weekend before we moved in together. i told him that I had actually just found out about it when I was reorganizing the files and noticed charges on an old credit card statement. I didn't know he had been sneaking around that long and i thought our first few months of marriage were good but now I find out that he was sneaking long before we even moved in together. I ended up telling him that I found a woman's bra and underwear in our closet that he claimed he got rid of a long time ago. he didn't actually get rid of them until this weekend and i told him I figured he returned them to whoever came to visit him this weekend. He is still denying that he had company but claims that he just threw the under garments in the trash this weekend. Then we actually talked about OW and he claims that he lied to me when he told me that he slept with her. husband said that he did sleep with someone but just said her because he figured that I would believe him since I already had doubts about the two of them...this was very confusing to me. I told him that I didn't know whether he had a PA with her or not but I do know that it is at least on an emotional level with her. I told him that after OW text me during the Christmas holiday I realized that something was going on with them and i found out that she had sent him information on getting a divorce (this slipped out). Husband asked how do I know that and I told the truth about how I looked in his work cell phone to find out if my suspicions were correct. Well, that is when CHIT HIT THE FAN!!! Husband blew up again about me going through his phone...first time since Jan 2009 (that he is aware of) and i fed into his anger. I was going to apologize but I remembered what husband had just said how he deflects things to get himself out of the hot seat. i told him that I had very little choice but to snoop when i would ask him questions and he would always lie. Husband then calmed down and said that he had been talking to OW about us and told her that (1) he wish he would have never gotten married (2) he told her how I went through his phone (3) he told OW that I thought they had slept together. This info hurt more than anything that husband has done and he said that he stopped talking to her about us because he realized it was wrong but he felt like she was the only person he could talk to.
So after this talk i can tell by husband body language that he has changed his mind about thinking that I shouldn't leave. he is clearly pissed about me looking at his phone and i feel an awful pit in my stomach. Its like I had the power/upper hand in the confidence i was exuding in moving on with my life and then during our conversation it was transferred to my husband. I was left feeling bad for snooping and letting him know that i snooped. also felt bad that husband had been talking to OW about us. I told husband that I thought the one part we had special to just us was our willingness to talk to each other about anything. i thought I was the only woman that he shared intimate thoughts with or his true emotions and feelings. now i feel like no part of our relationship was real...husband says that is not true but who knows...
So, DBers, I pose a question....how do I get the power back in this equation. i am the one leaving physically but now feel like husband has COMPLETELY backed away emotionally. Is this something I can't recover from...I plan on having little contact with him via phone once I move but I am not sure if he will ever forgive and let go of the snooping. his privacy is very important to me. And I realize that I have an entire laundry list of things that he has done to me but I am the one that wants to work on the marriage and he is not so I have to be the one to push those things aside for the longer term goal. _________________________
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
