Wow, This has had the physical impact of actually physically holding my head higher and making my back straighter. I know I will crash eventually and have to deal with some really rough stuff but for now I am going to enjoy every minute of this.
1. No catfighting - do NOT indignify your marriage by engaging in a fight verbally OR physically with this woman.. she is BENEATH YOU and does NOT deserve your time or energy - the best way to strike back at her is to IGNORE HER
2. FOCUS on your son and your marriage - maturity is your weapon here - not verbal abuse, that's beneath you now
3. Dignity, you deserve to be treated like a devoted wife and mother... you need to demand that respect, he's not going to had it to you for free
4. NEVER YELL. Always focus and stay calm... use medication or whatver you need to do to maintain a serene but committed and determined state at all times
3. Make your position clear, follow through, and do NOT contradict yourself by sending mixed signals... Many spouses do a great job of starting out, then they go and make their husband a coffee cake or something and blow the darn plan sky high... you told him Nothing from you until SHE is GONE.. you must STICK to that
4. Write down your position for yourself, and share it verbally with your H. Do NOT share it with OW, she is a third party and this is none of her business.. post your position here first and we would be happy to review it
5. Do not let your impulses take over.. focus on protecting your home, your family, and your marriage from this interloper..
6. The OW is not a person, she's a marital predator and a threat, you do not tolerate threats to your marrige - you remove them.. and you husband should be on teh same game plan.. if he refuses to support you protecting this marriage he has taken a position against it and we will have to change strategy.
7. Until your husband as established termination of contact with OW and youa re CONFIDENT this is in place, you do not contact him at all... he doen't get you as long as she is available to him... no cake eating
8. No sex for you, no flirting with other men, you are a dedicated wife and mother until the OW is gone.
9. Marital therapy - find a family therapist with a strong background in infidelity... no hacks or psycho therapists - a real infidelity researching family therapist - take the time to find a good one - theyr'e worth the work. Your h will commit to this and be FULLY HONEST with BOTH of you.
Hey Dani. I am posting this here for your reference :
Its from Dr Phil.. its great stuff :
--------------------------------------------------------------- Advice for Cheaters and their Partners
If you have repeatedly cheated, or are the partner of a cheater and can't seem to forgive or break off the unhealthy relationship, Dr. Phil has advice.
Look at the statistics. The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?
Think of the children. If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.
Think ahead to what the courts might think of you as a parent. You may think your partner wouldn't fight you on custody, but people change when they get into a divorce court. Your spouse might just decide that the person who stole his/her partner will not steal the children as well. If you enter the divorce arena in the midst of infidelity, you have put your children in play. Again, ask yourself, is it worth it?
If the person you are having an affair with is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?"
Be honest with yourself. Is the unfaithfulness over with? Moving forward, do you absolutely and unequivocally have nothing to hide? You'll never get past this until you start being drop-dead honest. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can stop on your own, get professional help.
Be honest with your partner. By not being honest with yourself and your partner, you're doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. If you know that you will continue to be unfaithful, and if you really care about your partner, you will let him/her go and get yourself some help.
Accept responsibility. Have the decency to tell your spouse in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back one step at a time.
Assess your commitment level. Are you committed enough to your partner in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship? However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long you need to work at it.
Behave your way to success. Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with. Avoid the places you know he/she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from him/her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle!
Turn toward your partner. When your life or relationship becomes rocky and affects your sexual relationship, that is the time you should turn toward your partner, not away from him/her because of your sexual needs.
Re-engineer your life. If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.
--------------------------------------------------------------- If You Are Being Cheated On:
Get real. The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. What do you predict? If your partner has cheated on you repeatedly and now swears he/she will stop, what are the chances that this is true? You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Isn't there a point at which you say, "I deserve better. My children deserve better. He/She may not have any boundaries, but I do. And my boundaries say, 'You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all'?" Stand up for yourself and for your children. You've given your power away and you've got to get it back.
This is not your fault. Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else.
What is your payoff? Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence? Do you fear that if you forgive a partner who truly is remorseful and has changed his/her behavior that you are "letting them get away with it?"
Assess your commitment level. You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again.
Consider the consequences. If you have children, your decision will affect them as well. You do have responsibility here for what you do next. You have to make a decision about whether or not justice is best served by allowing your partner to re-earn your trust, or if it's better not to subject your family any longer to the current situation.
Decide if you can choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he/she disappoints you. If you find out that he/she strays again, can you handle that?
If you can't forgive, let go. When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your partner's face, you will eventually run him/her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain.
