WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 11

[confusedinpa]

Just more journaling as we are still on the same path

I got the boys on Sun as planned to watch football together. I was annoyed when my boys told me that when it was soooo nice out on Sat, all they did was go to Cosco for 2+ hours and then to Target for over an hour. They had asked if they could go home to see me so that wouldn't have to go but she said no. They said she wanted them to help pick out toys for their B'day but they didn't even do that. My boys were angry about it as well.

I didn't let them dwell on it as we were getting ready to watch football together. We had a blast.

I had the boys for Mon and Tues as well. It was all good.

On Weds, when she was suppose to pick them up, my 3 year old told her that she didn't want to go with her. She said that they were going to our mutual friend's house to exchange Xmas presents with their kids. My boys then asked if they could just come home after that since it was close to our house and then they wouldn't have to get up so early the next morning. She asked if I was ok with it. I said of course. She said that she'll talk with them about it more later. My 3 year old was all excited about coming back home.

I went out with a buddy for beer and wings and rushed back to make sure I was home when they would get back. When it got close to their bed time, I tried to call to find out what was going on. She didn't answer - neither her cell or her apt phone. I sent her a text and an email asking to talk with the boys. About 30 minutes later, I tried calling again. This time my 3 year old answered hysterical that he was at her place and that he missed me and wanted to come home. I heard my 7 year old crying in the background as well saying he wanted to go home as well.

She got on the phone and then started yelling at me about how the boys weren't listening to her and that it was my fault since I let my 3 year old skip his nap. I just told her that I don't have these types of problems with them (with or without his nap) and that I just wanted to say goodnite to them.

I said goodnite to my 7 year old but when my 3 year got on the phone he was still hysterical. Before I could say goodnite, she got on the phone and said bye and hung up. I sent her a text saying I just wanted to say goodnite - but she didn't answer until 45 minutes later saying it was too late as the boys were asleep.

We went back and forth on texting for a while. She said that she felt like I was tricking the boys into wanting to come home instead of going to her place. She said she was doing me a favor by letting me have the boys so much and she wasn't going to do that any more. I just told her that the boys were the one asking. I of course want to see them as much as possible, but it's their decision to ask.

We went back and forth for a while as I tried to defuse the situation by listening and acknowledging how frustrated she was. I worked it back around eventually to tell her I thought it was helpful for her to have the kids come back so that she wouldn't have to the kids up so early to bring them out. She said it was an inconvienince to have to drive almost 45 minutes each morning running them to school and my place before getting to work (I was thinking how I used to drive 2.5 hours back and forth from NY just to see my boys but didn't say anything). At the end she seemed to have calmed down.

On Thurs, we had a parent teacher conference for my 3 year old to review his progress. He was doing really well except his teacher said he has been not as upbeat and energetic since the start of the year. She tried to blame it on how he's not taking naps anymore but I reminded her that he stopped that back in late Nov.

I brought up the fact how he has said that he is sad and angry about the situation with his mom and dad. She didn't think that could be it. Typical WAW BS. I didn't feel like getting into it with her in front of the teacher, but I just left it at that.

We wound up going to lunch together afterwards. Not very eventful as it was similar to the times we spent together before I found out the truth. I don't know why I even went.

Afterwards, she sent me a bunch of links talking about how 3 year olds need between 10-12 hours of sleep. I was going to send and email back telliner her that he is getting about 11 hours/nite when he's home with me, but my friend reminded me that there is no point arguing someone who is insane. So I just ignored it.

Later that day, I picked up my 7 year old from school. He told me she told them that they didn't get to come home because they weren't listening to her and it was their fault. He was very upset. I told him that it was disappointing that they didn't get to come home and I know that they do try their best to do a good job with her.

Tben my 7 year old told me how she told my 3 year old that he really didn't want to come home as he really doesn't love daddy. I was like WTF. I asked him to repeat it. He said the same thing that she told my 3 year old that he doesn't love daddy. I asked him how his little brother reacted. He said that he yelled at her saying yes he did and kept crying that he wanted to come home.

Later that day, she and my 3 year old came to pick up my 7 year old. My 3 year old gave me a hug that almost choked me. As I walked down the driveway to put him and his brother into her car, I just told him that I love him very much and miss him and can't wait for him to be home tomorrow. I then reminded him to try and do a good job tonite. He said he would.

Later that nite, after I said goodnite to the boys, she sent me a text saying they did much better that nite (implying that he got a nap at school). I just replied I was glad to hear that as I had talked with both of them about doing a good job.

I had a good day with the boys on Fri when they got home. I did ask my 3 year old what happened on Weds nite. He said he missed me and wanted to come home but she wouldn't let him. He said he asked to call me but she said no. The she told him that he didn't really love me. He said that made him sad and mad as he knew he did but she didn't believe him. I just gave him a hug and kiss and told him that I loved him.

Then my 7 year old asked if we could stop talking about it as it was making him sad again. I told him sure and the boys had a good time being home again.

On Sat, we had to go a B'day party of a mutual friend. It was at a bowling alley for a 5 year old. I knew she was going to be there as well. When we got there, the boys were all excited for us to bowl together. The other kids arrived and when she showed up, she said she and my 3 year old were going to bowl together on one lane and me and my 7 year old would bowl a few lanes over. My 3 year old freaked out saying he wanted to stay with me to play bowling.

I could tell she was embarrassed as she just looked away and said that would be fine.

She sat at the table behind us as bowled. The boys didn't pay much attention to her. I felt a little bad about it so I got them a couple of orange sodas and put them on the table next to her. They then started to talk with her when they went to drink their soda.

We went and had cake - I didn't really say much to her. I did ask if she needed a bottle of water as I went up to get one. When it was over, I just rounded up the boys as we were planning on going out to a park afterwards since it was so nice out. They just waved bye to her as we walked out the door. I was a little surprised they didn't give her a hug and kiss goodbye nor that she didn't ask for one.

I think she had thought I was going to invite her out with us like the last time we were at a Bday party together. I just really wasn't in the mood to spend anytime with her. Guess I'm still angry.....

After the park, we went out for dinner at a local pizzaria. Then we went home and got the boys ready for bed. My 7 year old commented about how well his brother did tonite, even with missing a nap. He said that he doesn't do as well when they are with her. He said she keeps telling them it's because the 3 year old missed his nap but my 3 year old keeps telling her it's because he just misses me and wants to see daddy.

I gave them a hug and kiss and told I loved them as I tucked them into bed.

I was annoyed about this whole nap thing but my friend is right - no point in arguing with someone who is insane.

We had a good day today as we did a few loads of laundry before the football games started. My boys had a blast watching the game as we tossed a nerf football around during the game. My 3 year old, in the middle, announced he was tired and was going to take a nap on the couch. He does that from time to time, but it still surprises me when he does.

That gave my 7 year old and I a little one on one time together. We played some more football together before he wound up reading some of the comics my cousin got him.

So they're in bed now and I still got them for two more days.... it's all good.

I'm still looking for a job - whole bunch of resumes out, but just a couple of phone interviews.

I got a interview on Tues at a place that's 3 miles away. It doesn't pay anywhere near what I used to make, but it should be enough to pay the bills. I'm excited about it, but don't want to get my hopes up as it will really give me a good opportunity to spend the time I want with my boys. Keep your fingers crossed!

[MrBond]

Good lord dude, I think you're taking the Mr. Nice Guy thing a little too far. Right now she is using your kids to further her agenda and you're not doing anything about it. I would definitely have said something when she told your kids you didn't love them. What kind of BS is that?!

I still think you need to stand strong as a man and start getting more respect from her. I did that and my W hasn't talked to me like your W has in over a year.

While I may not get us any closer to R, at least we can go to things together as a family and actually have a pretty good time although she is distant. In my case, I think she's going through depression, but that's beside the point.

Start standing up for your boys. See how they see things from their POV. They see mom running the show and you just letting her spew her venom. Show them that while you do love their mom, a R (even a failing one) requires RESPECT.

[Lotus]

I think her attempt to separate them from you is backfiring. When she tells them that they don't love you, they know they do, so it makes them distrust her. I pity her. She will never develop the close relationship you have with them. And as time goes on, they will act out more and more with her.

[MrBond]

Hey guy,

Just checking in to see how you've been doing.

[confusedinpa]

Wow - didn't realize it had been almost 3 weeks since my last journaling....

We're still on the same path, so nothing to write about that.

I'm still actively looking for a job. The place that I had an interview with that was only 3 miles away, made me an offer, but it was 1/2 of what I had been making. I knew they were going to be low but didn't think it would be that low. I asked them for another 20%. Their president had been out of town for the last couple of weeks (or so says the HR manager) so that's stalled.

I had another interview at a place 120 miles away. I'm lukewarm about that one as it's far so I'd be back to only seeing my boys on the weekends. I had gotten an email from the recruiter the next day to call her, but haven't been able to get in touch with her. Not sure what's going on there.

The job that was 20 miles away, that seemed promising around Xmas but then went radio silent, finally sent a no thanks email. I figured as such but still sucks.

I had a second interview with a place in CT scheduled for this week, but at the last minute, they cancelled saying they are in an indefinite hiring freeze. Oh well..... really didn't want to be 3.5 hours from my boys anyway.

So, it seems the job search has stalled somewhat.

She has gotten more reluctant to give up the boys extra nites. Not sure if her lawyer warned her that she's not having the boys enough (I have them almost 70% of the time), who knows. She wouldn't let them cover over to watch the Pro Bowl with me. I wound up TIVO'ing it and we watched it together on Monday nite when they came home.

We went to my buddy's to watch the superbowl so that was a good time. It was a good game and my boys had fun.

Last week Weds she wound up slipping in the parking lot of her apt complex and got a concussion. I was very supportive and what not. She was suppose to get the boys that nite, so I offered to bring them over so they could see her (they haven't seen her in almost a week). We picked her up and went out for dinner. She was still feeling nauscous and dizzy and was talking really slow. I had an inteview on Thurs so I had to drop off the boys with her, otherwise I would have just kept them.

On Thurs, after the interview I called to see how she was. Her mom had taken the boys to school and she was getting X'rays as her hip was bothering her from the fall. I wound up picking up the boys since she couldn't drive and we had dinner together again. This time I took them back home with me.

Sat AM we got a ton of snow but she called me up asking if I could help her mom shovel her driveway. I just said I would swing by with the boys if we had time after we were done with ours. We went by her mom's house but it was already done (her mom paid a neighbor's kid). I was a little annoyed as I had texted her that we were heading to her mom's but never heard back. A few minutes later, she appologized saying she was in the middle of another crisis. Whatever....

On Weds this week, when were suppose to get another wave of snow, she asked if I would trade days with her. I told her that if she was worried about driving in the snow, that I would be happy to keep the boys but didn't want to trade days. She wasn't happy about it but I wound up keeping the boys that nite.

She picked up the boys on Thurs nite. Schools were closed on Friday again so she dropped both boys off with me today. We spent a lot of time playing in the snow and sledding before she picked them up. She was about 15 minutes late picking them up and was annoyed when I told her that I would bring them out in a few minutes but I wasn't going to have my boys just sitting at the front door waiting for her when she was so late.

I'm getting the boys back tomorrow nite as I'm taking them to my mother's early Sun AM for Chinese New Year's. We're meeting for dinner on Sat so that I can get the boys.

So, to recap, the last 3 weeks, we've gotten 2 blizzards with almost 3' of snow combined, she got a concussion, we spent a B'day party together, and two dinners.

It's V-day this weekend so I'm glad I'm going to NYC to keep my mind off of it. I don't know what's she's doing, but I really don't want to know. It stills hurts me to my core, but I'm just taking this one day at a time right now as I'm looking forward.

I'm focusing on my boys, finding a job and spending time with friends and family. I've been chatting with a couple new female friends, but my heart's really not into it now as I'm more concerned about finding a job right now so we shall see.....

FIDO

[MrBond]

CIPA,

Glad to hear you're doing okay. I know the job sitch is tough, but hang in there. You can pull through. So are you still able to live in the house or are you thinking of moving do to your financial sitch?

Did your W ever offer any assistance?

People who have never been in sitches like ours don't understand how they actually make us stronger than ever. I guess whatever doesn't kill you.

[confusedinpa]

She really annoyed me Sat nite. I really gotta stop inviting her to dinner as I should've just had it w my boys. I did it since I was getting the boys early (it was her weekend with the boys but I had a family thing on Sun AM that I was taking the boys to NYC to).

She left early cuz she said her stomach was bothering her. No biggie but the boys wanted drop some left over dessert off at her apt after we were done. Stupid me took them. She wouldn't open the door when they rang the bell. The left it at her door and called her when they got in the truck

She answered and said she couldn't open the door as she just ran out. We could see the lights on in her apt and her suv in the parking spot. My boys begged her to open the door but she just said goodbye and hung up

My 7 year old asked to call her again as he went to bed. I let him call, but it went to her voicemail. I could see he and his little brother were really hurt/disappointed about it. After he hung up, he saddly said "It's Valentine's day tomorrow so she's probably out with a boy". I just gave him a hug and told him I loved him.

She called Sun AM as we were getting ready to leave. He asked if she got the dessert. She said yes and thanked him for it. Then he said good and hung up. I asked him how come he didn't tell her that he was upset that she didn't open the door last nite. He said it was because he didn't want to hear her excuse.

It really upset me but I didn't let him know it. I just gave him a hug and told him that we're going to have a great time visiting family in NYC and going to see the Dragon parade in Chinatown. He looked excited about that.

Seems like I'm not the only one done with dealing with her BS......

[PMA_Baby!]

C - Sorry you're still dealing with her lies and selfish behavior. At some point you will have to decide if she's STILL worth it. I personally got tired of all my x's lies and deceit.
I finally asked myself the question "do I really want to be with someone so selfish? what else is she capable of..."

Chances are she had a guest over. She's STILL LYING to you and the boys. Kick her ass to the curb. You deserve better then her.

Stay strong.

PMA

[confusedinpa]

PMA_Baby,

I agree with you. I've been through that point as well.

For me personally, I have decided a while ago that I am tired of her lies and BS. I still struggle with know how there is nothing more that my two boys want than for us to be a family again.

It really tears at me when I my 7 year old gets into his sad moments talking about how he misses having all 4 of us together and how his little brother did not have a chance to see how that was.

I know at the end of the day, my boys do want me to be happy so I know I need to be able to show them that I am and that we can be.

I guess with her concussion (from her slip and fall on ice) a couple of weeks ago, I felt sorry for her. She had called me and I could tell she was in a lot of pain. I let my guard down and helped her and we had 3 dinners together as a family. I let my boys and I fall for that illusion of how it could be nice. I can't/won't let that happen again.

So, my biggest issue right now is just dealing with my job situation. They know it's bothering me, as I've gone through a ton of cash over this past 3 months. I think we will still be ok financially for another 6 months or so but the wild card is when we have to do the equity split, how much will she take. I've been pushing that off as long as possible.

While I'm looking for a job though, I have been able to spend a lot of time with my boys, particularly my 3 year old. I feel bad at times how I haven't been able to spend as much one on one time with my 7 year old (my 3 year old only has school on Tues and Thurs, so he's with me during the other days). So I only get time with him for an hour or so on Tues and Thurs. I know it bothers him, but there's not much I can do about it right now.

So life continues......

[PMA_Baby!]

I know it's not easy. You are doing what you can and what is best for the boys. Stay true to yourself and your boundaries. Keep on demanding her respect and you will be fine.

Good Luck on finding a job soon.

PMA