Question

[awest1217]

No text from H this morning. I did text him to say good morning and that I am planning to keep doing what we have been doing, fostering our relationship. Usually after a night like last night, I would tell H I don't want to talk to him because it is too painful, and it is, but if I want to make this work, I have to show him I have changed even if he is never going to change himself. I have to keep doing what I know to do, and if it all fails...well that will be his choice.

About OW's H, I really want to tell him everything that is going on, but I can't. If I tell him anything, he will go to OW who will go to my H and then we are done. I know that I shouldn't worry about that, but I feel he is the stupid one. He sent my H a FB message in August or September saying how he and OW got into a fight and she said she would stop talking to my H. Her H said to my H I dont want her to lose the first friend she has really made since moving here. I think he is so ridden with guilt about her having to move here away from her family and in a place where her degree she can't use because we don't have her type of work here, that he just lets her do whatever she wants. It is all messed up.

I think I will try asking H later if he would go to MC with me, but I don't want to go and have other things be brought up to make him decide to not come home. I am really scared of the C saying H is wrong and him saying he is never going to go again. I know I shouldn't be scared, but I am. I feel like we have been on this hamster wheel the whole separation. We get really close to one another and H just won't go over to the next step so we fall off the wheel. Then after a few weeks, we get back on the wheel and get close again. The only problem is that there isn't a few weeks where he can ignore me and try to start a good relationship again. I still don't understand how he can ignore me for weeks at a time, then say he missed me, but he can't go one day without talking to OW.

Deep down I know he has made his decision. It is just so hard to after starting to open up again say "no it is over". I know he loves me. He says he loves me, but I guess that love isn't strong enough to give her up. I just wish I hadn't opened myself up again. I wish I would have just ignored him and gone on like we were getting a divorce, but you can't have love without a risk. I just always risk and get burned. 27 more days...