It's been a few weeks and I wanted to stop by and give an update. Allen I hope you are near because you seem to be well respected on this site As always I appreciate your input and anyone else that is experienced in this area.
Although my husband did not change his mind about me visiting him in Sacramento, he did come home this weekend and despite ill feelings he agreed to meet me for coffee yesterday evening.
As everyone is aware I have made so many mistakes and have done everything DB says NOT to do but I'm learning and getting wiser. We had a two hour talk over coffee and I wanted to really "LISTEN" instead of being selfish and only realizing my own needs and pain. He talked a lot about the stress on his job and some of the difficulties he's had with his truck. I listened and for once I realized that I had NEVER in the past really listened to how his day went or took the time to understand how he feels. In some ways I guess I was always self-absorbed and self-centered during the marriage. I realize how this could be painful over time for him.
I was careful NOT to bring up "R" but focus on how we were both feeling without yelling and cursing at each other. For the first time I REALLY listened to him instead of wanting to ONLY get my point accross. This is what I heard him say:
-I felt like I couldn't do anything right to please you or make your happy. All you did was nag and complain and that turned me off. -I believed you moved out to be with OM. -You wanted me to plan events/dates for us, but I'm not a planner. -I still hurt from seeing the pix of you and the OM. -I believe that you were in a relationship with OM. It was more than a "friendship or one-night stand." -I will never visit you at your apartment because OM was over there. -I feel like we never got over or dealt with the reasons why we separated the first time(this is our second separation but first affair in the marriage).
I am happy to say that we were both able to voice our opinion as to why we are still separated. I actually listened and gave a response calmly. What I didn't do is make an excuse for the affair as I have in the past.
We left Starbuck's and ate at Denny's which is where we went on our first date which I thought was cute. After that we got a hotel room because it was very late and he refused to come to my apartment because of the OM. I was disappointed that we weren't intimate. That makes me feel like he no longer has a need to be connected to me or that something else is going on....??? HMMMMMMM!!!!!
Anyhow, we deparated on good terms this morning and I feel like we got some things in the open. I asked him, if I were to move to a different aparment would he come and visit me and he said YES. So I'm not sure where we stand in terms of the pending divorce. I guess only time will tell. One day he tells me the divorce is STILL on and the next day he's willing to meet me for coffee and hang out but not even try to sleep with me. I certainly did not pressure him and respected the fact that he was tired and so we watched TV for a little bit and talked, then fell asleep as it was quite late.
Nevertheless I'm still hopeful and know that if it's meant to be then it's meant to be.
I'm interested in hearing thougts from some of the veteran's on this site
As always I appreciate your input and anyone else that is experienced in this area.
