Trying to move on

[ClingingToHope]

If you look at my sitch, I've been out since Mother's Day 2009. After moving out I went to a marriage/relationship class through church and it was an eye-opener. I learned a lot of the little things I was doing wrong.

I wrote her five long letters revealing what I'd learned and apologizing. She still has them. They are tucked away in a little bag in a closet.

After the first, we had the only positive talk since I moved out. She was happy that I was owning up to my mistakes and believes I am /will be a better person and husband.

But even in that conversation she said she was happier without me because she feels more in control of her life. The telling quote, "I do believe you will be a better person, but it won't be with me."

The house is a major complication because we are underwater on it. We had a flood in 2007 and I had to pull a lot of financial strings to get it fixed. So that upped what we owed to about 98 percent of what it was worth. Then the real estate market crashed and we now owe more than it's worth.

W had a Realtor come through to see if we could sell it for even close to what we owe and the Realtor said no way. She'd need to pour several thousand into it to get it ready for sale.

I could have told her that last year before she threw me out. I'd made a list of things that needed to be repaired or improved. It was 25 items long.

I've tried empathy, but every time I reached out she did more things to push me away.

My W is so closed off that even in good times I couldn't figure out what was going on inside of her. There's an internal struggle that's deep.

I'll go to church or someone else will say something encouraging or give me a reason to believe, and then she'll do something cold and calculating and it snaps be back to my senses.

This M is over and the D process is going to be painful. There are no assets to fight over. Just mountains of debt that W ran up. In the end, she's likely to end up bankrupt and I may as well.