here we go again

[Jstar]

i have actually hit an all time low. i am utterly depressed and trying so hard to be positive about the birth of my son. i can't just get it together.

my niece that was going to be in delivery room is not, she was going to have her mother fill in, my sister but her and i have an estranged relationship, i told her to please let her mother know i do not want to hurt her feelings but i would prefer to just do the birth on my own. they can be there for when he comes out but i'm pulling away from everyone.

i spent some of the day sunday weed wacking, as much as i could before the city gives me a ticket. i figured i'm in better condition now then i will be in a week after surgery to chop weeds down. i have asked other family members for help but they are not willing.

i just have this whole feeling there really isn't anyone just me that i can count on. granted people want to be there for teh surgery but not aftercare, they can't due to work, etc.

i tried all yesterday and today just level with h. went so far as to go to his house and try to talk to him. he made it be about his mother and father. said don't wait for me, not like if i come back you will ever for give me for the first 9 months leaving you and now whatever it is 4 months and not supporting you during pregnancy. just serve me and deal with the court.

after he stood on other side of road with his father as d2 was looking at him all confused, walked up and was what the FE$% are you doing here. me not answering your questions should be enough.

i'm the stupid one. i wanted to level with him, tell him that i know it mean alot to him to be in the delivery room or be aware of what was going on, but as much as i want him there, he would only be there for son not me. i did nt get a chance to say anything.

it was what the fu#4 i cant take d2 to see her grandparents, i said not this was not about them at this time, if they wanted to see her they could come to my house and visit, he says well they don't think they are welcome there. welcome to my world, i've never been welcome at their house. he says you don't call people who are illegal, illegal, i asked why not if that's what you are? if there is an abuser, or drug addict or doctor you call them what they are.

people on her have commented on how strong i am, i'm not really. i lost it all tonight. i was so frustratied i lost my temper and broke a mirror. i am so scared about the recovery and money and when i go back to work who will care for both kids and having to work extra to pay for the childcare someone else will be raising my kids.

i didn't go through all this trouble of injections, blood testing, medications for me to be away from my children. i went there to h's house to put it on the line. great relationship didn't work out, but these kids are in the middle and not getting what they need or deserve. i'll struggle to give them them a roof and food with my lovely teacher salary, still paying child support for my d18. i make to much for assistance but not enough to sustain a household on my own. so something has to go.

biggest debt is my mortgage. all this pressure and the birth around the corner, i'm melting down big time, but here i gotta get up and go to work till day of surgery so i get paid to teh very last moment.