Can't seem to move forward...Help!

[cat03]

How were you going to know how he was going to turn out? you weren't supposed to, no one has a crystal ball and can guess what is going to happen, no one would ever guess that my mikd sweet shy good tempered H would turn into a lying cheating person.
Listen hon, you can try with all your might to put together in a neat little box what happened, try to have everything follow an exact time line of when/how/where/why... guess what, you'll NEVER figure it out, it's just impossible, there are too many variables, and you trying to see where things went wrong on the dot is like trying to put back together a huge piece of glass that shattered... you will never make all the pieces fit, all you'll get is bloody and cut hands. That's an alegory I'd used a lot everytime i tortured myself thinking what was ex doing with then-ow when he was with me, etc etc... all I ended up feeling was sick and angry.

Bottom line, going back and rehashing old stuff will add NOTHING to your life... right now it is time to heal, to accept that what happened was painful, cruel and that it hurt... then, let it go. Each time the persistent negative thoughts assault you acknowledge them, then let them go, eventually you'll be able to remember without hurt. I highly recommend you read "the spiritual divorce" and "healing without scars", those books helped me soooo much! also, "eat, love and pray". It is very very important that you feed your mind good reads, that you replace the negative thoughts with good ones, neg. thoughts make grooves in your mind and are harder to dismiss, so you have to use all your might and use the stop-thought method mentioned on the DB book.

The fact that he married so fast does not take away from what kind of woman you are or W you were, it only reflects badly on him because a real man wouldnt've walk out like that, a good man would've fought tooth and nail not to loose his family... your ex is a coward who runned away and left a W and a little one, honestly, who would think much of such a person? The fact that he did that didnt' mean that at the time he married you he didnt' love you, he most likely did, in his own way. Love isnt' a black and white concept, it's a plant that requires much care and time, some people think that it will be all fireworks and crazy chemistry all the time (hence the As which are so exciting and a delicious secret), love evolves, it is not a feeling but a commitment. Your ex doesn't know what love is, and chances are good that his M won't last (70% of 2nd marriages don't, as people just bring the old baggage to a new person).

Until you feel whole and happy on your own put dating on the shelf, you wouldnt' want someone using you to get over someone, so don't do the same... perhaps you are trying to have someone make you feel better, but you are looking in the wrong place, you have to find yourself again and love who you are, knwo what you want, then you will be ready for someone else and will be able to trust again.

The first step is to say to yourslev that you will make it and be ok, even if you dont' believe it at first. When my thenH left the first time, I'd wake up crying... then I made it a point to wake up and smile, and tell myself it'd be ok...eventually I believed it and was able to choose my thoughts and tell myself I'd be happy for me and for my kids. Dont' know if you are a believer, but I found my faith again, my prayers used to be tearful repetitions of "please help me this hurts so much", and eventually I found more to praise about and God granted me the peace i so much needed.

I believe you can make it stillalone, you will.