Not Me Ever...part 3

[Gardener]

(((Serenity)))

(((Gardener)))
I know of which you speak...
I read your reply to me yesterday and had to think about it for a bit...
My reply to you is in love as well. I know.

I was a smidge put off at first then had a chance to really think about what you said...

There shouldn't be a stigma however there is...Having a mental issue always comes with a stigma and I am basing this on my life and others reactions to me...

When I was first diagnosed, my insurance company cancelled my insurance because of the meds I had to take...I had to go and have a special med alert bracelet made that said I was a recovering drug addict/No narcotics and I was on such and such medication...I was absolutely mortified to put that thing on my wrist...

My family/friends treated me different - It seems once the diagnose was made, once the label was out there, I ceased to be "Serenity" and became the disease...My moods were from that day forward defined by my bipolar...I could never be in a good mood or bad mood without someone asking me if I took my meds that day..I took great offense to that and still do to this day...To no longer being a person and being just a "headcase"

It took me many years to overcome that label...To be defined as a person and not a disease...To allow myself to feel my feelings without feeling guilty.

Thank you for sharing your experiences, bearing your soul and setting me straight about those experiences. You are one courageous woman.

I was wrongly (and cheerleadingly -no such word) trying to help with something about which I clearly know nothing. I was wrong to compare it with those other non-stigma maladies. And I wrongfully assumed the world had somehow become enlightened in regard to BPD.

My response to the thread was letting her know how it feels on the other side of the coin. I fought treatment, I fought the meds, I fought my demons, I fought the pain and the hurt and the emotions all over the place and only with acceptence did I become whole again...

Her H hasn't hit bottom...He hasn't begun to accept what is within him, what will be with him until the day he dies and only when he does will he be able to become himself again.

Happy Valentine's Day
And to you.
Love,

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener)))

Not a "dressing down" my friend (yes I saw that lol) -

Just an enlightment into how I see it looking through my eyes.

By me sharing my experience with the disease, I can also let others know that just because we carry this within, doesn't make us any different then you...

Now there are others who have it and use it as an excuse for bad behaviors...

I don't buy into that...

I have done some really crappy things when I was flying high on mania however the bottom line is I am responsible for my actions not my disease...

Regardless of how "off" my emotions are, at the end of the day, I have to hold some amount of accountability for whatever havoc my mania has caused.

Because I choose to go at it without meds, I screwed up...

I know that now...I know how bad I was and today I own that...

Today I take my meds, I watch what I eat, I am finally getting some amazing sleep thanks to a wonderful friend, I see my Dr. every 6 weeks and have my meds adjusted accordingly, I get out and get fresh air each and every day, I take care of myself emotionally as well as spiritually...

Am I cured?

No and I probably never will be able to live my life without some type of medication - The difference is now I accept it...

Even medicated, I still have very bad days at times...

I still think sometimes, everyone would be better off without me in their life, I still have days where I would rather "cut" myself then deal with anymore pain and when I do get that low, instead of doing it, I now look up, look within and keep moving forward.

(((Hugs)))

[Gardener]

((((Serenity)))

I still think sometimes, everyone would be better off without me in their life, I still have days where I would rather "cut" myself then deal with anymore pain and when I do get that low, instead of doing it, I now look up, look within and keep moving forward.

"May Your Heart Find Hope,
May Courage Lead Your Way,
And May You Find Serenity
As You Trust In God Each Day."

Good night, friend.

[Awoken]

(((Serenity)))

I so appreciate your posts here about your meds/bipolar. Especially with regards to how you handle it, and the stigma attached. It's been a big factor in my marriage.

My wife quit her meds, unknown to me, about 3 months before the bomb. She announced it to me at our one and only MC session.
I'm sure it's a factor in our sitch, but I'm not blaming the failure of our R on it. I am worried about the future, and her relationship with my kids.

If you don't mind, what led you to return to meds?

[Serenity13]

(((Awoken)))

I thank you for your kind words..I appreciate more then words can say that you aren't blaming her meds or lack thereof for the demise of your marriage...

If you don't mind, what led you to return to meds?

No I don't mind...Someone else asked me on a different thread and here is my response to them...

I would hit the bottom, go see my Doc, take my meds, hate my meds because I would gain weight or lose weight, a really high sex drive, no sex drive, emotionally trapped zombie moving through life yet not "feeling" anything, then I would feel much better, go off my meds, moods would be all over the map, mania would kick in and you know that is what every bipolar person is aiming for, then I would crash and burn and the horrific cycle would start all over again...

I did this for 20 years before I actually accepted that this would always be a part of me and I could start to live with it or continue to go against it...

I choose to live with it.

Basically I had had enough of fighting against it because I would always lose.

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener)))

Blonde moment - It took me a good 10 minutes before I realized you were giving me back my own sig!

Thank you for the reminder.

[Awoken]

Wow serenity,

My wife could've made that post....up till the part about accepting it.

You give me some hope that she will eventually come to terms with it;

I've suffered from terrible chronic migraines since I was a child. I know it has little in common with bi-polar, but I do think it gives me some perspective to understand how my W feels about it. People seldom understand migraines, and there is some stigma attached to it. All my school teachers assumed I was faking them to get out of school, etc...

Anyway, here is a big hug for you (((((((((Serenity))))))))))

[Gardener]

(((Serenity))),

Hey, Deli Girl!
I am proud of you.
For doing it!
For chatting with the owner.
For not "slinking."

Threefold courage and determination!

And the court/checks: WHOO-HOO is right!

Very happy for you as I head off to retire for the night.

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener)))

Thank you my friend.

I hope all is well with you and you have a blessed day.

[Gardener]

(((Serenity))),

(((Gardener)))

Thank you my friend.

I hope all is well with you and you have a blessed day.

Well, it was more of an uncharacteristic "blah" day, but they're all blessed one way or another.

Hop yours was blessed as well.
g'night.