The adventure chronicles

[Onthemountaintop]

So she has to pay more to rent month to month? It is a problem for both of you to some extent because it affects your daughter, but what other option is there? If you want her back, and you are sure, then let her, but are you are ready to have her move back?

When I read your posts, I get this feeling that you see options where she could live apart for now, but you feel sympathetic or guilty or something. Maybe you should. Maybe not. You need to be sure either way, I think. Feb 14th is just around the corner, and to me, you do not seem sure enough.

[GH31]

AFWAW,

How are you mate?

I want her to understand that I will not reward bad behavior.

This is how you do it - there are 2 components:

1. Stating what your boundaries are once
2. Consistently not rewarding bad behaviour

It's what she experiences you doing, not what she experiences you saying that makes the difference.

Think about it. If slot machines never paid out any money ever there is not a living soul who would put money in them and play them. Eventually you would get the message that there are no prizes to be won.

The "variable reward" is what keeps people addicted to gambling and to toxic, abusive spouses who are no good for them.

Please don't let your wife move back in until she truly understands what you need her to truly understand. I've been there as have other men on here and it's a recipe for heartbreak and misery.

[AFWAW]

Well, the wife has continued to stay over this week and is giving the full court press to move back home. She has cooked and cleaned and expressed her desire to try and make things up to me although she cannot undo what she's done. She has told me that she is in financial straights and can barely afford to pay her bills. She also stated that she knows her daughter cannot stand her.

I told her that I would not tolerate the anger anymore and that she needed to get help for it. It makes everyone around her uncomfortable and you should be able to relax in you own home, right? She gave me a sob story about how her boss at work is a jerk and wouldn't let her leave work for very much time to include getting dental work done. I told her she needed to work it out. She said she would go wether we got back together or not.

I'm still not certain what to do. I feel like I will regret my decision either way. Where's the crystal ball when you really need it?

[AFWAW]

Well, I finally took some action. I told the wife that I felt like I would regret it if I didn't give this another shot. She has 2 months left on her lease so I laid things out for her very clearly.

1. She has to go to counseling--I sat there as she called and sat up an appointment for this week. I told her that I wanted her to go to IC 2 times and then talk to her counselor about including me in future sessions.

2. She would not come in the house and demand respect from our daughter. I was very blunt with her--told her that D did not respect her based on her leaving and telling her that she had a BF. I advised her to try and win her daughter's respect back through being nice but not a pushover and to stop buying her stuff she doesn't need. She started to say that she was her mother and she had to listen to her. I said, I got that but you did this and if the type of relationship you want was to be in charge then don't expect much from her. I said she's a person who's entitled to her emotions and feelings just as much as you are and that she needed to take that into consideration. I told her to not make me be the middleman and that she was responsible for restoring her relationship--not me.

3. I told her she needed to control her anger and quit taking her bad days out on everyone around her. I explained to her that we all have bad days and that our D13 especially did not need to be exposed to this type of behavior as she would perhaps repeat it?

4. We keep our finances seperate. She pays half the mortgage, utilities, cable, child care, etc. She keeps her bills that she's accumlated since she's been gone and I keep mine. She didn't like this one but she agreed.

5. An STD check. I was very serious about this one--she said she understood.

6. I told her if it didn't work out then she would have to move back out. She said, she hoped it wouldn't be the case but that she would need time. I told her I would give her 30 days if it came to it--she agreed.

7. No funny business--no lunches with just one man, I said I understood group lunches but no meetings w/ just one man. No parties unless I came along, nothing that could be misunderstood. I said I would not tolerate any unexplained circumstance and that it would be over for good and I would never look back ever again--she agreed.

8. I told her that this was our home and she was not to try and control me at any time and I would not try and control her--there will be mutual respect. I work and if I want to come home and watch tv all day(I wouldn't) or do nothing(of course I wouldn't) then she had nothing to say about it. I said that I recognized her as a person and that I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable but I didn't want to be uncomfortable either. I further stated that if she wanted to do something or go somewhere, she should respect me enough to ask me if I wanted to be included and I would do the same. I told her that the temper tantrum thing wasn't going to work anymore and that I would not want to spend time with her if she reacted this way.

I told her I didn't trust her at all and that she was going to have to work to earn my trust back. I told her that I thought I could get past all that has happened but that it would take some time and she needed to respect me and the time that it takes.



She asked me what else. I said that's it for now, let's see how it goes. She thanked me for giving her another chance and said that she hoped it would work out. She has been going a bit overboard with cooking, cleaning and laundry. She has been super nice to our daughter asking her to do things instead of telling her. We'll see if it lasts.

So, that's about it for now.

I just felt that if I ended it I would regret it. I know others on here have tried reconciliation and have failed but we'll see.

[futureunknown]

Good luck AFWAW! Are you going to move over to piecing?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

John,

It's not what I would have wanted to see you do (I still don't trust her), but BIG, FAT, HAIRY KUDOS TO YOU for coming up with a plan and clearly articulating it!

I hope you will hold her feet to the fire. I think she actually WANTS you to, and NEEDS you to.

Puppy

[flowmom]

AFWAW, it sounds like you've laid down the law and you're getting some results.

I haven't delved into your sitch but I was wondering if you were doing a good job in meeting your W's needs in the following areas before the A:

• affection
• conversation
• honesty and openness
• financial support and
• family commitment

The book His Needs Her Needs states that those are women's most important emotional needs.

If there were shortcomings in how you were meeting your W's needs before the A (which I assume there were), have you shifted in order to better meet your W's needs? She's dancing to your tune now (out of fear), but there won't be any resolution in your M until her needs are being met by you. Of course your needs must be met too, but it sounds like you're not having a problem asserting yourself right now.

[GH31]

AFWAW,

Hello mate. I am glad that you have made a decision which you're at peace with. I sincerely wish you and your wife the best with it all.

These things that you're requiring your wife to do are very important.

I'm struck by Puppy's post explaining that she still doesn't trust her. Well, you don't either and neither do I.

This is why:

She keeps her bills that she's accumlated since she's been gone and I keep mine. She didn't like this one but she agreed.

She was obviously hoping that you would foot the bill for her adultery - directly or indirectly and whether she realises that explicitly or not.

She does look like she is beginning to develop some understanding of why you feel the way you do (see below):

5. An STD check. I was very serious about this one--she said she understood.

Even my W understood why I did a DNA paternity test on our baby son.

Puppy is right she wants and definitely needs someone to hold her mercilessly accountable for her actions. It would actually be cruel not to as you would prevent her from ever learning from her mistakes.

Good luck AFWAW!!!!

GH31

[Gnosis]

AFWAW.

Like I told you before, I'd support you either way you chose, so I'm still lurking. I like your boundaries and hope she doesn't violate them.

I believe you need to go through with the path you have chosen for you to either achieve reconciliation or closure.

Good luck my friend.

[v1olin]

Good luck AFWAW!