She's never going to feel secure as long as you are indecisive. That's a fact. Maybe how upset she gets about it is something that can be worked on. Does she have anyone to talk to but you about the fact that she has to live with your indecision now? It's hard for you because you are trying to feel closer by trying, but she is afraid that you are going to draw her close and then D her. That's what it seems like might be going on.
Insecure I can handle to some level. It is the actions. 1/2 way through the movie, she's telling me how she thinks we can really work out almost any issue. She even gave some examples of how she wants to be happy with me. Then, bang! Skip Retrouvialle (she suggested I ask for a refund), told me that she'll move out with the kids, and more.
That's just crazy! Her IC starts on Wednesday. I was supposed to have mine on the same day, but I'm moving/cancelling so that she'll have no problem going.
Today, I told her I thought it was rough that we were getting close, and then she said get lost. An hour ago, we took the kids to the park (tobogganing) and she brought it up. Said she can't live in fear of an eventual rejection that will happen one of these years or days.
I wish I could say that my love will last forever, but being here, I know it can't last without work. Right now, I'm just trying to move from "I love you as a person" to "I love you and need you as my wife". Instead of helping, it's like a minefield~
So the 'silver lining' on the dark cloud is that she added more info about the respect issue.
W said that I disrespect her by complaining/criticising 'who' she is. Example...today she wanted to go to a specialty store an hour away. She can't drive still, so she wanted me to drive her but I said I couldn't today. I suggested she goes tomorrow by bus when the kids were in school. She won't - afraid the school kids would get out and she couldn't make it back (by bus, it would be 2-2.5 hrs, plus shopping time. So in an 8 hour school day, she won't make it back... I'm SURE an eyeroll or something came out, but I didn't say anything. She decides to go herself today EVEN THOUGH SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE ADDRESS OR KNOW IF THEY'RE OPEN ON A HOLIDAY.
So I suggest calling to see if they're open. She can't figure out the number, so I found it for her. She calls while I pull out an online map. She asks the person on the phone for the address even though I've showed her I had the address before she even called. The address she gets was wrong. So thus my map is wrong. Her solution? She got angry with me and told me I was wrong. I explained that the street she wants is only in the SW of the city, not the NE. So what does she do, she tells ME I have to call them to get the correct address. I said if she thinks I'm wrong, she could call herself and check, but I've driven her there and I know where it was - it wasn't in the NE. I said that I hope when she comes back from the address that could never exist she understands if I laugh at her for being stupid about it.
Well, she is now on her way by bus to an NAMED street address that could not exist. So I insulted her. My mistake. Not helpful.
This is what I have a real problem resepcting. Not knowing is fine. Mistakes, great - we can learn! She wouldn't even take the other address I gave her just in case.
I was disrespectful. Wasn't she disrespectful to me, too, maybe first? Two wrongs don't make a right, but how am I supposed to make love and a viable marriage when we can't even get an address!
Answers to some great questions asked by trytryagain:
Why do I want this marriage to work? a. Well…I know I wouldn’t stay married to her if kids weren’t a factor. As I write this, I am feeling my first ever SENSE OF LOSS feeling if I lived my life alone. She loves me, what if no one could love me as much? When I imagine my life without her though, it seems so much better. ANSWER… I’m trying to fix this M to avoid hurting others and because I think D is an absolute last resort. I am not doing this for me. I’m changing me so I could be a better spouse to anyone, not for her and because I think I ought to try. (ouch – pretty harsh to write it!) God willing, if a deep love develops, I think in the future I’d be working on maintaining the R for me.
What do I think I need to make this marriage work well and choose to love my W unconditionally (I want to be able to give love, not just get it. I want that love to guide my actions. I understand that love is my choice to develop, hers to encourage.) a. I want to be able to feel that my W is my partner in crime, not a ‘co-criminal’. That we’d help each other pray, encourage patience when angry with the kids, etc…basically working together, not as job roles b. I need help keeping up with basic living needs (appointments, planning for the future together, finances) c. I want to feel I compromised my opinion/decision, not that I lost or that she gave up d. I want to feel that my W is enough to get my physical needs met in 10 or 20 years (she takes care of her health) e. I want to feel my complaints are considered/listened to fully f. I want to feel trusted by her in our parenting or other differences g. I want to have some independence back and not feel I need to parent her or teach her how to do things h. I want to have meaningful conversations with her about things that interest her or I
Does this list seem more like a list about me that can lead to better choices, or is it blaming?
You'll only know if it's blaming if you honestly ask yourself what you have done to help accomplish anything on the list. Don't try to change everything all at once, but what could you do this week for instance to make progress on goal H. (meaningful conversations) from your end?
My suggestion would be to attempt to initiate a conversation that might be meaningful to HER first to build rapport. And do this at a time when you are both open to it. Not when angry, tired, hungry, late at night etc. After success with that, try it with a topic that would be meaningful to you. At this point, don't make these R topics because that could just spark a fight. I don't know. Just an idea.
I can get conversations that she finds meanful, but many topics I want to talk about she shows only 1/2 interest. I think she doesn't quite understand, but she swears she does. I'd figure I was just boring, but those same topics seem to get people laughing/talking elsewhere.
Is meaningful conversation too much to ask? Can a good marriage have OK or poor conversations?
Depends on the person. Some relationship books advise taking a class together to develop common interests. Other couples seem to go their separate ways some and expect meaningful conversations to come mostly from their friends (husbands from male buddies, wives from female friends). So I don't know. I guess it's different for everyone.
My wife is 100% introverted, so if I'm not her friend, she's lonely (one key stressor for me - she is very dependent for friendship). I doubt I'd ever satisfy her this way if we can't find things to talk about without disagreeing. She's thinking about working, that might help. Conversations for us have been like Al Gore talking to Ex P Bush...lots to disagree on.
Have you heard of any books that deal with developing common interests?
Have you read His Needs Her Needs? It's quite interesting. A quotation for you:
Quote:
If a husband seriously wants to meet his wife's need to feel close to him, he will give the task sufficient time and attention. I tell male clients they should learn to set aside fifteen hours a week to give their wives undivided attention. [...] When a courting couple shares their time, they usually have two basic, although possibly unconscious goals. They try to (1) get to know each other more thoroughly, and (2) let each other know how much they care for each other.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
