#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[flowmom]

You seem to really have some feelings that need sorting out about the financial dependence you had on your H.

Yes, everything you wrote is very true. I do need to sort out those feelings, because they prevent me from seeing things clearly, and could screw up D negotiations. I don't seem to have a problem spending $$ that H earns, but I feel no entitlement to it. I think I'll talk to my IC about this.

[newmama]

Flowmom, come on, you know that polyamorous whatever guy on FB was hinting at you doing something with them! Guys are so obvious LOL!

Look, I completely 100% agree that the quickest way to heal from a broken heart/get over someone is to meet someone else. This does not mean it is a good idea; I am just stating truth (for me and many girlfriends...sounds like you might have had a similar experience)

I think this is how our WSs are able to lose interest in us when there is an OP! Duh!

But yes...think about your sitch with your H. Will dating someone draw him to you or push him away? And I think it would be bad form/cruel/rude to leave condoms out! If he finds out you are dating, he can wonder if you are having sex. But being blatant about the sex is not so classy IMHO.

Yeah about parenting q's--I think you say "that's gotta be tough! They know how much you love them and you are doing your best." And then to your kids, "well, he is your dad and he loves you and you need to listen to him!"

[flowmom]

Flowmom, come on, you know that polyamorous whatever guy on FB was hinting at you doing something with them! Guys are so obvious LOL!

Really? I tend to be a bit clueless and wonder if I'm reading too much into things. I guess I will have to handle that situation with care...I want to keep them as friends.

Will dating someone draw him to you or push him away?

I really don't know. If I was dating, I wouldn't tell him though...that would be tacky. I haven't been treated like a woman in many years and I would love a boost. I am feeling pretty hopeless about my M right now. I'm really having trouble imagining H coming back, even gradually, except as an unrealistic fantasy.

And I think it would be bad form/cruel/rude to leave condoms out!

I agree! I would hide them. I wouldn't date or fool around as a DBing tactic...I would do it for me and privately.

Yeah about parenting q's--I think you say "that's gotta be tough! They know how much you love them and you are doing your best." And then to your kids, "well, he is your dad and he loves you and you need to listen to him!"

I like that.

[avermont]

Geezum--I guess I can't provide good advice re "dating" or "hooking up" as they say in college when there is still a M.

For me, I would say "go for it!" if there is someone who can make you feel better about yourself and boost your self-esteem.

I don't know what it would mean in terms of "pots calling kettles black" if you are still working on your M.

I wish I had someone to even consider having a fling with!

Just be safe, ladies!

[rr22]

I think you'll regret dating or flinging if you do it within the first year at all. Imagine this, you think it'll make you feel better, you actually find yourself a naked, sobbing, embarrassed mess in front of a near stranger because it dredges up all these H loss issues that obviously aren't resolved. Just my two cents.

[flowmom]

I wish I had someone to even consider having a fling with!

Just to clarify...I don't either! (Yet?)

[Onthemountaintop]

rr22's visualization is good. It is also possible that you like it so much that you have problems seeing value in your current H. You are angry with him for leaving, I understand and feel that me and others that consider leaving deserve it to some level - we didn't make our marriages a perfect dream either.

But it seems that time after time we are all reading others' posts about an affair, and you'd be doing that unless you've finished the marriage with a divorce. Expecting a divorce isn't getting one. You seemed to really want your marriage. Has that changed?

[flowmom]

You seemed to really want your marriage. Has that changed?

I really want my marriage. But if H is not having an A, he is planning to (when he talks about dating he is talking about sex). What do marriage vows count for when one person throws them out the window? Isn't it basically a tabula rasa situation?

[rr22]

Beating him to it isn't going to make you feel better. And it'll give him justification fuel to do so. Let him flush it down the tubes awhile first. Look at it this way: is it really such a personal success on his (or any WASs) part to find someone to have casual sex with? Where I live, no. It's the easiest thing for any male or female no matter how lowly or unattractive to do. It is one block and two beers away at all times.

[flowmom]

I posted this in sgctxok's thread (regarding interactions between H and I):

Overall: strained. On my part: pleasant, polite, cooperative, with the occasional gently but firmly taking a stand on a parenting issue. On his part: polite, but grim, seems to be dealing with a lot of fight-or-flight but keeping the lid on. I where I'm having trouble demonstrating change is that I feel like he's not being real with me, and seeing a different reaction than he's used to. Today was an exception. He was more tired than usual and started getting a bit into "attack" mode when we were talking about scheduling. He said "well we never were able to talk about this when we were together" kind of bitterly, but I was able to redirect the conversation back to the present and verbalize that we are both doing our best to make coparenting work and we just need to be clear about what our scheduling needs are...that did seem to defuse things.

She replied:

This is awesome...and a log for your solution journal. FOCUS ON THE EXCEPTIONS! You were successful!!!! GREAT DBing!

I'm copying it here because I'm having trouble recognizing my successes with DBing (and mostly it's the same old same old distant and polite interactions).