Sounds to me like he is taking "baby steps". One day at a time, one step at a time..keep your expectations to zero and don't push him AT ALL. He'll come along as he's ready...Like Snodderly was saying their time clock is slower than ours is.
This is a slow process once the 'breaking' down has begun; they will come forward and backward..and it takes alot of time for them to come through.
Continue to go on with your life "As If", all the while watching for many tiny changes(baby steps) that indicate he is continuing to come forward. I actually remember seeing that in my own husband..it's as if when they make a concession within themselves and talk about some of it then, it scares them to death, and they back off. One of the mistakes I made was when I was pushing him to face what he'd done; and he wasn't ready..not at that time. Too hard, too soon. I backed off quickly, but the damage at that time was done. I knew then, that I couldn't make him face anything until he was ready...and just took what I could get for quite awhile.
Right now would NOT be a good time to hold him accountable, that DOES come later on as he's stronger emotionally, and things are on firmer ground.
I think you're doing fine for now...and this has been a strong break through in his tunnel-life.
Hang tough, Sweetie, you've got to remember he's AFRAID and fear dominates what reasoning he has left in his mind.
Last edited by HeartsBlessing; 02/15/1011:15 PM.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Awesome story Upside....and grand advice after words.
I experienced this once shopping for a Valentine card...An older gentlemen asked me why I was looking so vigilantly and I replied of course "Valentine's day"...his reply..."Why show your love one day a year with a trinket when you can show it every day of the year with action"....and yes he left hand in hand with his wife.
I'm trying to remember; it was somewhere close to a year, I think around 6 to 9 months. He was moving SO slowly; and at one point I got impatient. I pushed him too soon; and he took a backslide, taking me with him.
Every person works through differently; what one person does another will not do. Each person is on a different timetable, that's for sure.
It depends on the processing they have to do and the mistakes they made, as to how quickly or slowly they work forward.
When it was me, I wasn't any faster than he had been; in fact, I was slower.. it was like things had to be looked at very closely, to make sure what I was doing was right before I came forward some more. He was as patient with me as I'd been with him, after he pushed me and I pushed back. It was like he had to try it that one time just to see if I would come back together..and it wasn't happening as fast as he wanted it to. I was looking within and didn't want to be distracted. I found that I had more clarity about myself when I was going through the tunnel myself, as I KNEW what I was facing, and what I had to do to get through..but things seemed to be slowing me down. It took me about a year and a half to come through the baby step process. I had alot of childhood issues to work through..and those take time. When a person has suffered traumatic times in their lives; that can also slow the process down.
I will explain more about me at another time. I DID go through the Mid Life Transition; but it didn't turn into a crisis, thank the Lord. Yet, it took me 6 years to complete and overlapped his.
I hope this helps.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Thanks, HB. Esp. for the pushing warning. I'm glad things worked out for you both. I've enjoyed reading some of your old posts. Thanks also for sharing that your mid life transition did not turn into a crisis for you. That's refreshing news. Good luck to you.
trapt-Thanks for the encouragement. I will try to remember that time is different for him. Sometimes that is hard to understand.
snodderly-Everyone's advice is sinking in slowly. I think I was on a little bit of a high after our reconnection the other night but reality is settling in a bit. Today, I'm trying to prepare myself for whatever happens. In a way it is kind of sad, you expect when you finally get to this point that everything will just start falling into place, kind of like when you first fall in love....I am learning that it just doesn't work that way.
TCBTE-I don't know if you remember but my H filed D papers. He was convinced or trying to convince himself that we were over. You don't really know what the future has in store...just live your life for you now and eventually things will fall into place.
W2S-We started going to our C right after we separated. My H only went a few times and then went AWOL but I continued going for the next year without my H. We have been going to the same C somewhat consistately for MC now for a couple of years and have really improved our communication. If it weren't for our C (and this board), we would definately be divorced because he encouraged me to give my H more time. I can accept my H for who his is now as long as he is respectful and attempts consistancy. I can act "as if" he is not broken and I have not been broken hearted as long as there is forward movement although I know there will be backslides along the way.
HB-My H has been a "drop-in" for several years now. For a long time his steps had been one step forward and then one step back. He finally started taking 2 steps forward and only one step back finally giving us movement in the right direction. Now after almost 2 years of MC, I gave him an deadline of the year end to move back. He planned on moving back but obviously did not and we had relatively NC for almost 6 weeks (a very long time for us). While I know deadlines and ultimatums are frowned upon here, my H now says he understands that I was allowing him to have the best of both worlds and it wasn't fair. I need to let him set the pace now. I know he is afraid and has anxiety. I have pushed in the past and it definatley got me no where.
r22-IMO, baby steps are confusing since they might mean something or might mean nothing. I wouldn't put a whole lot of time or thought into them now. In hindsight, you will know what they mean.
Lfw & tf-That is a very wise man in that story.
Thank you all so much for your insight and counsel. I will do my best to follow your advice however I know I am still on the rollercoaster so please forgive me if I have some ups and downs.
Upside, thanks for sharing your thoughts about taking baby steps with a grain of salt. The timeline you have experienced certainly bares that out. Good luck to you with your sitch. Sounds like you are a strong one.
TCBTE-I don't know if you remember but my H filed D papers. He was convinced or trying to convince himself that we were over. You don't really know what the future has in store...just live your life for you now and eventually things will fall into place.
I do remember that, however it seems to me that was in the beginning of his journey, and he made that move and immediately had second thoughts. My H has been consistently asking for D since he made the choice to be "done." There have been no signs of a second guess-----I have tried to justify his inability to take that step on his own as a sign that he was unsure----rather than just not wanting to be bothered by the details, hoping I would take care of it like I have done most everything else. But, in any case, although I will say my hope is not GONE, I know that I have to re-focus and hope to be a better me.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
My H has definitely taken a small step back from the total reconnection we had the other night. He is still coming around but I can tell his walls are back up to some degree. He came over Monday night and plans to be here tonight but there is no talk of anything but right now. I understand...I'm scared too. I am not giving him any pressure...although he is probably putting pressure on himself. It does concern me that my H has been so avoidant and indecisive, that he could go back to that. And the thought runs through my mind that he could go completely back and make me the reason for his unhappiness again...however I think he has progressed too far to go back there.
The couple of times my H has been at my house since our "reconnection", at least to me, he doesn't appear completely comfortable and relaxed. He doesn't seem to be anxious like he was before at times but I sense he is still afraid to make the step of moving back. If he runs again, I would not be completely shocked...sad, but not shocked.
I am concerned about my S18 and D16(my kids from my 1st M). My S especially does not understand why I keep giving my H more chances. I have tried to explain some of what my H is going through to my kids. They think I have put up with way too much. If my H bails again, my kids would not understand. I worry about how much respect for me they have lost. I know someday they may come to understand and appreciate what I have done...but for now they just don't see it.
