how do i keep my hope alive?

[Onthemountaintop]

You're welcome. Now, if I could just do it for myself!

[trytryagain]

i've been following your thread, OTM...you're getting some helpful suggestions!

seems like you're struggling with whether or not you WANT to do it for yourself. there's a lot of back and forth on your thread. my coach told me recently that i needed to decided what it was i wanted out of my M, and then proceed full steam ahead with that plan. for instance, if my goal was to make my M work, i had to close off all exit doors in my mind and erase the "if we don't work things out" thoughts. but if my goal were to end my M, i'm sure her suggestion would be to pursue the necessary things to make that happen. if you want to make it work, make it work. if you don't, then...don't. but all the back and forth and yes no maybe i'm not sure takes a big toll on both you and your W. not to mention your children.

are you considering what your life would be like without her?

[Onthemountaintop]

Life without her - R wise, might be better. With kids though...that is where the back and forth comes from. I began thinking she didn't want the M, then finding out she did I no longer did (had been repressing desire for D for 11yrs). But with 5 kids...I worry for them, worry she couldn't handle it, worry she'd do things that weren't in the kids best interest because of her fears/anger/spite. The last 3 words sum up my biggest problems finding love with her, added to cultural disconnects. Thanks though for the advice from your coach - I'll try yet another list, but this time about what I want now rather than the R. I'm trying not to talk the 'what ifs', but she manages to ask specific questions a lot (do you love me, etc.)

I'm just realizing that I'm on your thread~sorry...

One think I think I can relate to with your H is the fear of getting more bound into a M that seems doomed. It is SO good to hear that he is discovering that your M deserves a more open mind a lot more work.

[trytryagain]

no worries, OTM. i do want to ask, though...if you had no children or if they were all grown or at least older - would you hesitate to leave the M? you've said that you questioned the M from the start, so i'm just curious.

i do agree that my H seems to be feeling less like our M is doomed. at dinner the other night he told me that he doesn't understand this "demon" that drives him to only see the negative, and that assures him that the only thing to do is leave. hopefully his new counselor can help him work through some of these things. it just really confuses me to hear him so adamantly insist for a month that this is what is best for us (separation) and then, 2 weeks after he moves out and is living on his own, he's calling, emailing, wanting to see me, questioning his decision.

i don't want to be too optimistic if this is all just a reaction to him being lonely, living alone and just missing life with his wife. i guess i just don't know what's real emotion and what's just his reaction to all of this.

[Onthemountaintop]

i don't want to be too optimistic if this is all just a reaction to him being lonely, living alone and just missing life with his wife. i guess i just don't know what's real emotion and what's just his reaction to all of this.

It may be just a reaction, but it doesn't seem to be. Like you said, a 15k walk in the snow is desire, not just desparation.

I (and perhaps he) am trying to separate the idea of I love being married from I love you. Then looking back to see if it is the fear of being lonely, or the fear of missing someone I love that is driving me.

To answer your question, if the kids were adults today, I do not believe I would stay married to her, but I'm not big on loneliness till death. I'm sure that part of my stitch now is that I don't want to stay married, only to get the big D in 20yrs when I might be too old to be looking around. I'm definately trying again because I have kids. I had a glimmer of feelings for her this weekend that seem deeper though, so, if she doesn't kick me away because she hates being confused, I might be finding feelings I never had for her.

[trytryagain]

well, i'm trying not to read too much into it. we are still in contact in some form pretty much every day. he did tell me he loved me when we had dinner Sunday, and i don't doubt that he does, i just don't know that he feels that is enough.

OTM, as someone with ADHD, have you often found yourself making up your mind one way, only to regret a decision and try and reverse it a few days/weeks/months later? my mom is convinced that this is just the way my H operates and that no matter what, he will continue to "flee" from our M over and over again. considering that my H has tried to break things off with me several times before, should i expect this to happen again and again? obviously, you have never met him and every person is different, but it's been difficult for him to break free of the cycle...have you ever found yourself in the same situation over and over again?

[talia]

HI TTA,

One quick thought.... Please slow down. Keep doing what you are doing - because its great. Let H answer those why questions himself, with his therapist. I'm not sure that asking those questions here will get you the right answers - or even remotely helpful answers.

You stay the course - its clearly working!!! Let H deal with his demons and don't spend another min thinking about them.


What are you doing this week for you???


T

[pearlharbr]

TTA, I totally agree with Talia.

What you're doing is getting a good response. Do not stop now in reaction to whatever H is doing at this moment. You stay on a path that is good for you.

No one else can tell you what H is going through, he doesn't even know himself! Mind reading will only drive you crazy and serves no good purpose.

[trytryagain]

thanks, talia and pearl. i'm not really trying to mind read, just asking if a cycle can be broken. i'm staying on the path that is working for me, but like i said earlier, i just can't tell if my H's reaching out to me has been out of loneliness or if he's considering reconciliation. i know i could drive myself insane trying to guess which one it is, but again, this is all part of a cycle with him. hopefully he'll benefit from IC, which he's starting again this week, and i know talking to a coach has been extremely helpful for me.

i guess i'm just thinking out loud here...if it's true this is a cylce that will only continue to repeat itself, how much of myself do i want to invest in this R? not that i'm backtracking now, i DO want to be with my H, but this is the third time we've gone through this. maybe my mom is right. maybe my H will do this over and over and every time i'll talk myself into thinking that it's the last time.

just having some sticky feelings today. i wouldn't be here if i didn't want my M to work, but i am also dealing with a lot of fear of this happening again and again. and i know it would be much worse later on if we had a family and a home, etc.

i will keep doing what i'm doing, though. as for what i have on my plate for ME this week, lots of yoga, running, meditating, journaling, time with friends, walks with my dog, and some time at church and of course, reading. i know he sees that i'm doing ok. i know he knows i see that he is not.

thanks, as always, for your thoughts!

[pearlharbr]

i guess i'm just thinking out loud here...if it's true this is a cylce that will only continue to repeat itself, how much of myself do i want to invest in this R?

That is the million dollar question that only you can answer. The difference this time (correct me if I'm wrong) is that H is talking to IC to sort himself out. You'll have to wait and watch that process. He will have to prove through his actions over time that things can and will be different moving forward. Until then, take care of yourself so you will be great no matter what happens. Perhaps talking to an IC yourself can help you work through these valid concerns.