I'm feeling like I'm in a self-made MLC and I need some help trying to figure out if I'm feeling love that might last or just deep caring.
I'm trying this on MLC because after 11 yrs of marriage, I decided that when my wife threated to leave that I would begin a D back in Oct. She did, so I did. Since then, I'm re-examining a lot. She's come back to say that she doesn't want a D, but she wants a H that isn't thinking about it.
That's a hard one, I've been thinking about it monthly for 11 yrs. My R didn't begin with love, it was essentially arranged. Unfortunately, I "met" her overseas in a culture that I am not part of, and me being a small town boy, we've clashed over many cultural expectations. Finding out that I had ADHD 5 yrs ago as an adult just makes my current "MLC" a little rougher, because I can now see what I thought was passion in M as it was - impulsivity and lack of attention.
So...the question.
I love being kind to her, but I'm very easily irritated by her because our world-view is so different. So I'm trying to figure out if I actually love her, or the 'idea' of being married to her.
What makes you think you love your spouse? What do you feel? When your love was still love, but lesser, was it like you love your sister/brother, or more?
Well, Onthemountaintop, when it comes down to it, love is a CHOICE, not exactly a feeling...that's one of the things you learn while going through this. Trying to figure out what you feel is difficult especially when MLC is involved. But it really does come down to a choice. Committment is what holds the marriage together when the love isn't there...how much do you have for this marriage?
Love doesn't stay the same throughout the many years of marriage a couple goes through; it strengthens, lessens, waxes and wanes at times.
There were times I didn't love my husband at all, others I still loved him like I always did. That's an emotional rollercoaster that's ridden for awhile. And I can guarantee you he felt the SAME way about me.
When I made the CHOICE to love him no matter what, I stopped riding the roller coaster, and just did what I knew was necessary to try and bring my marriage back together.
It didn't matter what he did or didn't do for me, I still loved him throughout...and still do to this day. In August, we will be married 25 years.
You also have to realize that both people have the power to walk away at any time..you can't make someone stay if they don't want to. Love also means to "let go"; Works both ways. Makes it easier, or it did for me to realize that I had just as much power as he did to walk...but I didn't CHOOSE to.
That's my two cents worth.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I'm trying to find reasons to choose to love her. The fights we still have, the misunderstandings, and the differing points of view seem to be keeping me away from deciding to.
The only thing I wonder is that when I first married, I wanted very badly to love her. I couldn't. I felt almost embarrased that I had married her for various reasons. Our differences aren't the biggest in the world, but they seem to hit deep dividing fissures.
By choosing it, then acting it, did feelings of love return, or did new ones get made? Was it enough to turn his feelings around, too?
Yes, if you do - you can. If you don't want to - you can't and won't.
There are different kinds of love. Initial infatuation passionate love releases chemical stimulants in the brain - narcotics. In most cases this subsides over the period of a couple years, for physical chemical reasons - not because there is a failure in the R.
Imagine becoming addicted to this chemical and realizing it is absent now, for a long time. You might want to do something in life to get another fix. Or you didn't know it was missing, until someone at work shows you some interest and you feel the rush of a fresh release of these chemicals. You believe it is emotional and part of a new R you must pursue. That happens to a lot of people, even though this is not what you are describing. It is predictable in a new infatuation. It will subside. You would then face the same question all over again. Do I want this?
People that stay together past those first couple years, have kids and make a life, should expect to grow old together and transition naturally into the lasting love shared in long term M. But people don't alwasy expect the same thing in life, and don't fully understand what the other person expects. With some effort, mutual expectations, and effective communication, that chemical release can be restored as you rediscover each other - no matter how the M began.
What happens when the kids grow up and don't need the parents? Does one or both parents look in the mirror and ask "what about me - when is it my turn?" Are you asking that question? Do you feel you have always had to live for everyone else, and now it is your turn? Life is too short. If so, it could be said that you are staring at MLC. That does not mean you must turn your world upside down. You may be staring at a typical life stage of transitioning to the next phase. That can happen without making life a crisis for yourself and all those in your life.
At a wedding anniversary of a couple married well past their 50th milestone, the husband was asked what the secret was to a lasting M. His answer was that they never fell out of love at the same time. Of course today many M end in D because only one person feels the love has ceased and they are unwilling to do the work to restore it. Maybe they think they tried, although they never discussed these feelings or alleged efforts with their spouse.
What we focus on expands. Asking yourself what love is can have a different outcome than reminding yourself what you love about her, your M, your family, your life together. What do you want to expand?
My grandparents were M more than 50 yrs and went to different churches every Sunday of their life. She was often dominating and demanding. He was a man who could carry a large load of her words around without effort. He strengthened himself to the differences, and chose to be blessed by the good things.
It would be interesting to hear him answer your question.
He wouldn't have known about the book "The Five Love Languages" back then. It has helped many people explore their different styles of expressing or feeling loved. Not understanding this leads couples to miss signals, hurt each other, and become hurt. Understanding the differences and learning to use them in a positive way helps people love and feel loved more easily. Improved communication styles opens a lot of doors. That is only one of many great books and resources out there.
Counseling can help steer the progress if two people want to do some work. It doesn't mean either of you is broken and neither should expect to be "the winner" in the process. You should both hope to become better partners and in that way, both winners.
I didn't answer your question. It is a tough one. You will have to find your own answers. Give it time.
I love being kind to her, but I'm very easily irritated by her because our world-view is so different.
Love is a verb and a choice. I understand your October pain and decision at the time...you were hurting. My wife recently was asked what true love was to her and she replied "Unconditional acceptance". If you read relationships books...it will cite that true love is when you accept and appreciate your spouses differences. So do you choose to embrace her differences....then understand her first...before you need to be understood?
I sat down one night very angry at my wife....and decided to understand her. For all the pain she was causing, she was just being her. For me to try and control how she behaved, act, responded, etc was controlling and only showing a conditional love....or I will only love you IF you do things my way or how I expect them to be. When you give up this false world of conditional love and love somebody for you they are....then you will not have this question anymore.
There is often reference to love like a parent/sibling...but think about that. You love some one as much as you love your closest family members. Unconditionally! Accept that and the world will be your playground to enjoy together and the only limits will be your mind and your wallet.
Fighting and misunderstandings in a marriage is all a part of living with someone whose mind you cannot read. Two people, two different minds.
You don't have to have a good reason to love someone, you just choose to, and do it. I don't know what your beliefs are, but God is that way with us...He doesn't have a good reason to love us; He just does.
And I prayed that He would work within my heart to strengthen the choice I made to love my husband. Those prayers were answered; though my heart was very hard for a long period of time.
My feelings of love for my husband DID return after a period of time; so did his. When I chose, then acted accordingly, and he responded to me showing him love once again, things began to turn around with me and with him. His feelings for me, during MLC were buried and deep..and many strange things were said that clued me in to what was going on with him. I never got the "speech" everyone else has gotten, but he stopped telling me he loved me, refused to have anything to do with me...
And then when I got what I was supposed to do, I changed my attitude toward him..as long as I begged, cried and clung..he ran as hard as he could run from me, as you can't love nor respect someone who is clingy. I became more independent, going on with my life as if he wasn't in it. That gave him space to examine his own feelings, etc. Plus, it wasn't interfering with his journey.
I also had to make myself attractive to him to draw him back to me, kind of like it was when we first met; men are sight oriented BEFORE they are emotionally involved. Women are another story, they want their emotional needs met and that leads to falling in love. Yet, if he'd made up his mind to leave, there would have NOTHING I could have done about it...and I had to be willing to lose all in order to gain something back. So, what did I have to lose? As long as he seemed to have no feeling for me, NOTHING.
We ended up starting all over again, just like we did when we first met; began to meet each other's needs(and these are not all sexual, that's a whole other subject)..in time we fell in love once again.
Things turned around, but they took TIME..there is NO quick fix for falling in and out of love. If you don't love someone, you can't force it to happen; and you can't force someone to love you. And if people don't understand that love is a choice, you've really got an uphill battle.
Now, make NO mistake; I was one angry woman before I began to change...always asking how he could do what he was doing, and why did I have to be the one to change? But, my commitment was strong, holding me when my love was weakening and there was some love left for the man, so I went about the process of changing myself, as I could NOT change him. And so I learned a great deal about what I needed to do to grow..and then it became NOT about him..but about ME, and what I could do to improve myself, regardless of whether the marriage made it or not.
I realize that last paragraph doesn't answer your question..but that is how I was led to falling out of love with my husband...and coming back to the choice I made to love him, regardless.
I hope this helps. It makes me wonder though..are you in the least bit attracted to her, even after 11 years? I know the marriage was arranged, but you've not been able to feel anything for her?
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I hope this helps. It makes me wonder though..are you in the least bit attracted to her, even after 11 years? I know the marriage was arranged, but you've not been able to feel anything for her?
It does help - a lot!
I feel: - immense caring for the mother of my kids - warmth of touch, sexual and non-sexual from someone who says she loves me - sympathy for not wanting to cause hurt to her
Am I attracted? I am a 34yr old guy, so there is a point where anyone under the covers can feel good to some extent. Physically attracted otherwise? No. I never really got a good look at her before we married. I've suggested clothing and stuff that I find attractive, but her style isn't what works for me, either. I have to say, I really have a huge fear that since she's physically aging so fast because she won't take care of herself, that by the time she's 50 she'll be really unattractive to the point I can't be with her.
My BIL made a very good point. He said attraction comes when you feel love. I've also read that the mental/emotional/physical connection works to make attraction. In Jan we were trying to reconcile and I had the best physical days with her I have ever had. That simple point allowed me to move beyond the lack of attraction, but through the month in lessend.
It seems so easier for me to embrace the differences of coworkers, my kids, my family. For my W, I don't know if it is the differences alone...it's like she's the PC and I'm the MAC just like in most marriages, but that when we come to a point of difference, she blue-screens and shuts down. On top, I'm looking at the damage of all those shut downs and it looks very wrong. For example, she's right now going to buy something at a store without knowing the address, not having a map or cell phone, even though I had given her the address and tried to show her a map.
I guess one suggestion I'm hearing is to love her without the conditions. I do try, but then something like that happens, and I think wow, she's stu**d. With kids, I blame their age or my bad parenting/teaching. Parents? They grew up in a different time.
A spouse? That's one area I feel like I'm in MLC, I realize now that she's just going to be this way forever. IC might deal with the "blue screen" shutdown, but is that enough?
I LOVE your playground analogy. I'd add a religious layer to say it is a supervised playground, but I'll see if I can take the differences less seriously.
