Time to start a new thread and possibly a new beginning???
Yesterday I went to the C to vent my frustration over my sitch and to try to get direction. I somewhat expected the C to tell me that I had given my H plenty of chances and to move on. Instead the C tells me that my H has met with him individually and my H has figured out a lot of things, things my H and I had already discussed like he understands he is depressed, he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. The C couldn't understand why he hadn't spoken to me about what they had discussed. He recommended that I give my H another couple of weeks to see if he would come to me...well, it didn't take that long...
Yesterday evening, I was sitting at a restaurant with my father waiting for some others to join us. I got a text from my H telling me he tried to call me the night before (my phone never rang) and that had been nice seeing me and that he missed me. I replied telling where we were if he would like to join us. He showed up about 20 minutes later and had dinner with us. During dinner, I couldn’t help but quietly ask my H “So, you miss me?” He looked me in the eye and said yes. After dinner we went and sat in my car for awhile and talked. He told me that the time apart has helped him realize that I am his best friend and he doesn’t want to lose me. He says he wants to work on moving back. It was what I had been waiting so long to hear. There was a bunch of other mushy stuff but I won’t go into detail.
My H says he wants to continue with IC and also MC.
How do I keep my expectations at zero after everything he said? It all seemed so sincere and heartfelt however, I know I need to let him show me that things have truly changed. I am excited and afraid at the same time. I just don’t know if I could handle getting my heart stomped on one more time.
He is supposed to come over tonight and cook me dinner. I'll just keep repeating my new mantra...no expectations...no expectations....no expectations...I'm not sure it is working!
He is supposed to come over tonight and cook me dinner. I'll just keep repeating my new mantra...no expectations...no expectations....no expectations...I'm not sure it is working!
I am relating to all of this! I think you have to let him call the shots. Mirror him just like before. Take it slow and easy. JMHO. Any one else want to chime in I want to hear it too.
Upside, This is a major break through! Now, step back, and follow his lead. Allow him to come to you. Do not try to fix him. This is the hardest part of the journey, as I stated this so many times to others. Your patience will wear thin, but if you can keep your expectations at zero and look at him as someone recovering from a very serious injury, you'll be okay. He's very fragile right now and anything can cause him to run back into the tunnel of mlc safety. One second at a time!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have to say that if feels as though my H has taken a tiny step back from our "reconnection" Friday night. I know this shouldn't surprise me and I just need to roll with it.
My H was supposed to come over on Saturday but he went golfing all afternoon on Saturday and said he was tired. He told me he would come over but I told him it was okay if he didn't. We talked on the phone for awhile. He did tell me he would like to move back within the month so we will see. He did spend the whole day with me yesterday however there were no Valentines since he says he hates Valentine's Day. I'm not complaining just observing...my H used to give me Valentines. I sensed he was a little more distant yesterday which is difficult for me because I want constant reassurance from him that he has no doubts about us. I was able to make it through the day without pushing...well maybe I pushed a teeny tiny little bit...I wanted that connection we made on Friday to still be there. It was but not to the same degree.
OP-I agree slow and easy...however slow and easy is necessarily easy for me!
peace-Thanks for your constant support. How are you?
snodderly- I have learned the hard lesson that I can't fix him. You are right this is the hardest part if I still have to keep my expectations at zero after everything he said to me. I don't know if I could handle it if he runs again. Looking at him as someone recovering from a serious injury could help. Thanks. I just wonder if I make things too easy for him. Should I be making him work and truly show me that things have changed before I let him back in my life?
He did tell me he would like to move back within the month so we will see.
Remember they are on an entirely different time clock than we are.
You've been extremely patient, I can only imagine what it must be like. Try your best to dig a little deeper, and not to over analyze. I know it must be tough. You're doing awesome though!!
Upside, Their clock is much slower than ours. Just remember, a month could be 3, 4 or 5, but he's got plans to return home. Dig deeper for that patience! You will need it and whatever you do, if he isn't home in a month, do not get discouraged. He is heading towards home, but he's inching his way. Keep the faith and that candle lit in the window to help guide him home.
You've come a very long way and I do not want to see you set yourself up for discouragement. Keep your expectations at zero at all times.
I'm praying for you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H has been very very careful to not say anything hopeful or positive to me during all of this time.....when it comes to us, he's only contacted me via e-mail to say we needed to D....I've kept the hope alive on my own.....so I must admit that hearing what your H is saying sounds HUGE to me (and also makes me feel like I've been fighting a losing battle).
I don't pray.....but I'm praying for you too! And sending thoughts of patience your way...................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Sounds positive that he is leaning toward the IC and MC. I hope you are seeing people that are highly behind M, and don't reverse course the first moment someone thinks they want D.
Your H may find multiple reasons to say a D may be better as he second guesses his thoughts and feelings, which you probably see him testing already. He may feel too guilty to fully return. He may fear going back to his old self, or you to yours. You should both be different wiser people now, better people.
Can you see yourself acting "as if" he is not broken and doesn't need fixing? That is different than saying a better restored M will take work from both of you. What if he had only veered off life's track at a fork in the road and is trying to get back on the preferred route? Would that make him broken, or lost, or an easily distracted traveler? He won't want to be judged too often, or deemed broken - even if he admits to having lost his way.
Express your pleasure at his choice of returning to a life with you in it. There will be proper time later for addressing how he hurt you. He won't want to come home to expectations of hearing about it every day he wakes up. That is where I think you can both benefit from help of good counseling. Utilize the safe place to have those talks, with a skilled moderator.
Let him set the pace. If he wants to talk about something around you or at the house, let him lead, with comfortable room to breathe. Be willing to stop the conversation before you get all your answers or share all you pain. It will all happen in time, MLC time.
Good luck, and prayers for strength & patience to both of you.
