You mentioned that your daughter has ADHD. So do I, but I was diagnosed as an adult, in part because of the problems (and benefits!) it has caused me in my marriage and work as a teacher.
It's genetic. I didn't read all of your posts, but I was wondering if your W got diagnosed, you, or a relative. There was a recent study linking it to smoking for 1/3 of cases, but the study isn't 100% for sure.
The reason why I asked is that you mentioned that your sex life wasn't so good. Doesn't sound like that is much of an issue now, but I'm thinking...
- if you haven't fully done the D, there's hope, isn't there? You need to GAL in the meantime, but don't give up. - if neither of you had a diagnosis, consider having that checked out. maybe it is the source of some (not all) of the fears/shame/etc keeping you apart - I got M almost through impulsivity - bad way to get married to a stranger..., if you guys got married without ever connecting, forgive yourself. Even if she/you don't have ADHD as well, one of your parents may have. Many M problems I've had at the start of the M were because of the way I was parented by my undiagnosed mother. I'm not saying there's a reason for everything, but with ADHD, the typical DB techniques don't always work...if that is the case.
BTW...restraining someone isn't ADHD. It could be oppositional conduct, which comes in houses with instability most often. 60% of ADHD kids have a 2nd problem (mine is mild anxiety). If she needs restraining, you need to talk to your doc about meds if she's using them, some exaggerate problems.
As an ADHD husband, I feel very sorry for what I've put my W through. Still, she's done her share (a bigger one, I think) in making our problems into crisis. Whether daughter, W, yourself, parents...remember that intentions ALWAYS need to be examined, not just actions.
Anyhow, if I'm preaching to the converted, my apologies. I hope there's something to help you feel a bit of hope.
