I would love to have Sandi chim in..Get a womens percpective as to the way my W is responding.
She is responding like a typical WAW. I do believe she is having an EA with the OM. Perhaps she has tried to keep it somewhat "controlled" to the point that she doesn't even recognized it as an EA....but it is. He is doing something that you failed to do. He makes her feel very valuable! That is the best ego food she would possibly get and she wants it to continue bad enough to leave you and get more of it. That is what all the "I want to be alone" is about. Yeah, she wants to be alone.....so that you won't be in her way whenever she plays. OTOH, this may be the first time in a long time that she has your full attention! She probably feels that is quite ironic.
Don't read anything into the hugs, or kisses on the cheek, b/c they are more of a "pity" hug & kiss. You are seeing that you've lost her.....and she knows that you are finally seeing it after all this time. She sees that you are hurting, but she hurt all those times that you did not take up for her and didn't spend time with her or make her feel important--and most of all that she wasn't top priority in your life. She still feels some sadness to see the end of the M, but she is too fogged out in a fantasy of being single. It is the EA that is giving her the energy, and you haven't found a source of energy so you are left drained.
Now this is what I think about when I read how LBH's are so short with patience and want everything fixed in a short time......what if she had walked out or threaten D the first time you had not come to her defense or one of the other complaints she had about you? It took her years of being rejected by you, and yet how long have you been able to hang in here when "you" were the one rejected? This is not to beat you up but to point out to you that if you feel she really is valuable enough, then you won't be so fast to give up on her.
So anyway, you've made the D speech and she still says she wants to be left alone. I think the best thing to do is to not mention a D anymore and try to show that you have given her the space she wants.....and leave her alone. In the meantime, you make changes on yourself. Do you feel that you really have made changes? I kind of doubt that your W believes they are life long changes b/c there hasn't been enough time. Give this some time aNd see if she brings up the subject of D or if she really does put forth any effort to look for a place of her own. Your best hope is that you can buy some more time to work at becoming attractive to her again, and that she will give the OM up. BTW, is the OM M?
You really have to get a grip on your emotions b/c you don't want it triggered again and threaten to leave or to make her leave. That is what got you to this particular spot, okay?
BTW, I don't think a person can go "dark" living under the same roof with their S. That is for the LBS who lives away and does not see or contact the WAS. However, you can can detach....while being friend-ly (if you know what I mean).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
