Well, us human are, after all, pretty much path-of-least-resistance creatures. We will continue to do what we can get away with, until forced into some sort of crisis or accountability.
I usually recommend that betrayed spouses -- at the time of reconciliation -- determine in their own mind how many "strikes" they are willing to tolerate. One, if self-confessed? One, even if caught in the lie, so long as they are repentant? Two? More than two? Zero tolerance?
Because once you get into it, your emotions get the best of you, and you're caught up in everything you've invested so far -- the "frog in the pot of boiling water" analogy.
I think YOU need to determine what YOU need from your husband in terms of healing, trust and transparency, and not be afraid to communicate it. What are your core "deal-breakers." For me, it was a short, but non-negotiable list:
- MCing - send no-contact letter to OM - full transparency - full-panel STD test
Everyone's list will be somewhat different, but these should be the few things that you simply CANNOT ABIDE, as matters of personal integrity. And then you communicate them to him. And you let him know that "you're a grown man, and I can't force you to do any of this, but this is what I NEED, in order to feel safe in the marriage again, and whatever you decide will affect what I decide to do."
