Thank you I will. I will not let him trap me into a convo where I need to defend myself and explain that I didn't send the letter. I will put my hand up and say "stop, I'm not going to be pulled into this drama, leave me out of it".
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Get OUT of your house...he's going to KEEP pestering you until he finds out who did it...
The affair is now in reverse... HE wants to know whats giong on and someone's hidning something from HIM... see?
He is going to be ALL OVER YOU... He's giogn to keep showing up to pump you for info.. you must see the reversal now.... YOu are hiding and HE wants info... ironic hunh?
Don't be there.. just step OUT of the circle until the storm is over...
Don't put your hand up.. get OUT of your home for a few days...
I will defiently make an effort to be gone when he shows up. I know I won't always be able to avoid him, and after last night I feel like I can deflect him if I have too. However, I'm usually not successful at it, so I will try to avoid him as much as possible.
The one thing that is bothering me since the whole letter thing, is how he seems so worried about her. He acts like her feelings are so much more important then mine. Almost like he cares about her more. I know I shouldn't read much into this, but it still bothers me.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
You want him to MISS you and the SMIPLER life before all this drama thats now unfolding.. you want that aching to come back in him now.. you can't do that if you are at your home at his beck and call... get OUT and cut yourself off for a while..
This thing about him worrying is EXACTLY why you need to STOP exposing yoruself from him and LEAVE... not just for an afternoon... get OUT move out.. for a week or so until he's calmed DOWN...
its not HEALTHLY for you to be tehre now and its NOT HELPING your MARRIAGE...
I am worried you aren't hearing this.. you seem compelled to be available for him and keep in contact... I know its hard, but you are making the affair last LONGER when you hang around there...
This is a very hard part, but its the best thing to do to get this affair to push itself to an end... safety zone time.. and don't come out until he's talking about distancing himself from her...
mb, just do what you can. Avoid as much as you can. I understand!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Allen A, I understand what you are saying. I will be staying with my friend from Thursday until Sunday, so that will help. However, before Thursday I can't leave the house. But I'm only expecting to see H on Tuesday night when I get home from school. This night is where I'll have to be strong and not engage. Luckly I don't get home until afte 10pm so I will be heading strait to bed, and avoid a convo with all together. He usually leaves as soon as I get there anyway.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
OK... This is a very delicate time... you can push him away from you if it isnt' handled well... its usually best to just shut yourself out... you won't be doing anything positive, but you will avoid doing anything negative as well...
Your statements earlier would just follow that.. you want nothing to do with him while he's in contact with her... and you take your children and you to safety.. he will get the hint and start to reconsider...
Right now there's a lot of pressure on him to get away from her from the OTHER end.. this is the BEST time to follow through on your end too.... so he sees little alternative...
Maybe you can leave him a note telling him NOT to contact you until he's gotten away from her... so he can see this is a permanent position...
Right NOW he thinks its just your MOOD and you may feel differently later on... you need to show him this is a permanent position that you are NOT backing away from...
He's gonig to try to argue or charm his way into you being ok with him contacting her...
Allen A, He usually leaves as soon as I get there anyway.
I can pretty much guarantee you he won't leave right away this time... The shoe is now on the other foot... he wants information.. someone's keeping a secret from him and he's PO'd about it... he will harass anyone he can to find out what's going on and who is at the root of it...
This is the part where the affair goes in the reverse... instead of you going to them, now they are going to YOU... and they won't let up...
I suspect the OWH knows by now too... I can't imagine your H looks too good of a citizen right now hanging out in secret for hours on end with this man's wife... no one is going to give him much credit...
If YOU now offer a more pleasant alternative to that drama he very likley will pursue it...
BUT its not likley to happen yet... he will wrestle with these consequences for a while in denial.. doing as much damage control as he can to put fires out...
Hanging around in private with anotehr man's wife is NOT an adult thing to be doing... and he KNOWS that...
I would even toss that one at him...
"I really don't know if I want our children exposed to a man who hangs out in private with another man's wife...particularly when his own family needs him and his marrige is in serious trouble... I don't like exposing these children to that influence"
"It's our responsability to provide a SAFE DRAMA FREE home for these children... and you aren't doing that right now... But I can..."
