It all just comes down to the timing of the action. For Mike and NSW...it is too soon. Just because I learned how to change the oil today doesn't mean that tomorrow I am ready to change the engine. The people who do promote this route just need to promote it with a little bit more criteria (see Puppys post to NSW today) and not just blurt it out too all newbies that "manning up" is the way to go. That is my problem with it overall....kinda like giving a child a gun with out telling them how to handle it.
Sorry about off shooting your page MIke....Your post have just been the meeting place for different approaches...both proven to work, yet both different.
It all just comes down to the timing of the action. For Mike and NSW...it is too soon. Just because I learned how to change the oil today doesn't mean that tomorrow I am ready to change the engine. The people who do promote this route just need to promote it with a little bit more criteria (see Puppys post to NSW today) and not just blurt it out too all newbies that "manning up" is the way to go. That is my problem with it overall....kinda like giving a child a gun with out telling them how to handle it.
I would agree, there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it, and also that some people are nowhere near in the right emotional state to be able to pull it off.
I also agree. I think more of a monitored step by step approach would be useful for the newbies. Give them something they can handle, and have them come back and report results. As they regain their composure and start to get their confidence back, have them continue to strengthen their position.
In my case, I was nowhere near emtionally strong enough to "man up". I had been through two years of my W tearing me down, making me doubt myself, making me feel like every move I made was pushing her away and risking losing my kids. If I had known about DBing and this web site way back then, I think I could have done so much better from the beginning. As it was, by the time I found out about her A and OM, I was a wreck.
I am 95% sure in my case I could have temporarily busted my W's A and scared her back to me by taking a hard stance, i.e. cutting her off financially, emotionally, threatening exposure, etc. The problem is, it wouldn't have SOLVED anything. As soon as she felt secure again, she would have returned to her ways, and this time would have been much more secretive and careful before dropping the bomb, making sure she had a legal and financial plan in place.
Our MC told me she needs to be without me and OM for a while before she'll be in any sort of place to truly reconcile. She needs to figure things out on her own. She's kept both those plates spinning for almost two years now. I've finally walked away now, at least as much as I can considering we have three little kids together, and she has gone running back to OM. Until she faces life on her own and conquers her demons, there's nothing more I can do. Truthfully, I need to conquer a few demons myself.
and not just blurt it out too all newbies that "manning up" is the way to go.
If you are a MAN always be a MAN.
I fail to see how being supportive and understanding as your wife is having sex with another man is going to lead to a relationship that either party is happy in.
Should our criteria be, the first responding post asks, "Are you OK with the cuckolding lifestyle?"
Separating an addict (a cheating spouse) from the source of their addiction (OM/OW) is only a necessary STEP. It is not an END, but an immediate MEANS toward an end.
You can dump the alcohol down the drain of the alcoholic, or take the matches and kerosene away from a pyromaniac. And yes, you MUST do those things. But no, you haven't solved the complete problem at that point, only set out upon a necessary first of many steps.
I will say this, though, in defense of speaking only for MYSELF. I have often skipped my lunch, given out my FB contact info, even PERSONAL contact info (against the board's rules), in order to "hold the hand" of the newly bombed who is trying to confront and expose. I have given STEP-BY-STEP INSTRUCTIONS, and implored them NOT to do anything until they've had time to study them, talk to us about it, and have us walk them through it.
And then most of them just do what they want to do anyway. (I won't name any names, but these people know who they are). With the proper help, it's NOT that complicated to do, and it CAN easily be done, IF you follow the steps and the advice. Some are either too stubborn, too afraid, or just too unwilling to do so.
I didn't know about this board when my sitch began, but I can imagine what would have happened. I would have tried to follow the advice, but I would have buckled against my W's very strong will, bolstered by her A. I was facing the destruction of my family, and the loss of my kids, and I'd become a card carrying member of the "nice guy" club.
I was also receiving so much conflicting advice from those around me. I had a friend who had recently gone through a bad divorce, and he essentially told me "Your M is over, so don't make trouble and just get through the divorce." He advised me against threatening exposure.
The day after I confronted my W, she called me crying from her friend's house after she supposedly admitted the whole thing to her friend. I don't know what she told her friend, but I'm sure it was a "distorted" truth at best. Anyway, my W was crying, and was pleading with me not to tell our families what was going on. Here I am, on the phone with my W, who I love, and who I want to save my M and family with. She is crying and pleading with me not to expose her. I think I said something like "If we end up getting divorced, that will only make future family events like birthday parties extremely tense, so I think it would be best if we keep this between us." I now know how I squandered a powerful advantage I had, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Little did my W know that I had already told her mother about it, because I needed to know who OM was from my W's past.
Funny, my W's mother had it just right. She told me to be very tough with her daughter. She told me "If she wants to leave, throw her out, and tell her you got the best lawyer in town, and that the kids are staying right here." I said "Then she'll get a lawyer too." My MIL said "Let her. You've got the stronger case." I fought with her about it. Since I knew I had failed to make my W feel loved during our M, I thought the solution was to convince my W that I did indeed love her. Wow, talk about wrong. All I did was embold my W to continue in her ways.
I was also reading Divorce Remedy, and it advised "outshining the OP". I embraced that advice, which got me nowhere. All it did was convince my W that she had an attractive back up plan if her A with OM didn't work out.
I feel for the newbies here because I can still remember how powerless I felt at the time, and how I had no clue how the feelings I had for my W and M were no longer reciprocated in any way.
Yup, my W's mother had spent 40 years fighting her strong willed daughter, and she knew what to do.
My W was smart though. She had also spent nearly our whole M convincing me that her mother doesn't really love her. I sided with my W in all her fights with her mother during our M. My loytalty wasn't reciprocated.
Yup, my W's mother had spent 40 years fighting her strong willed daughter, and she knew what to do.
My W was smart though. She had also spent nearly our whole M convincing me that her mother doesn't really love her. I sided with my W in all her fights with her mother during our M. My loytalty wasn't reciprocated.
I'm in a similar boat as you as far as my ex's mother goes. While I wouldnt say she's an ally...she's at least a double agent in a manner of speaking. My ex and her mom havent gotten along in general but especially so since her mom and dad divorced. With my ex being a mini-me version of her father, my ex's mom told me once that the best way to deal with her in an argument was to throw whatever she was hurling at me right back in her lap and she wouldnt know what to do.
Unfortunately this advice didnt come til after we parted ways.
But it does prove the old saying, "the enemy of my enemy is my friend". Now if only the OM had an enemy....
