#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[Lost Rabbit]

Sounds a lovely day Flo! Well done for making it your day and not V day. My H actually GAL when he left and starting dressing nicely and looking after himself. He's now back with me and due to him leaving we are financially skint and Ive now got the old man back and because Im supporting him now my GAL is zilch making it quite hard going!

[flowmom]

LR, that is tough. I know that we will be paying a steep price for H insisting on renting a 2 BR apartment, planning a big trip this summer, etc. Finances are part of how we got into this spot in the first place, and if we reconcile it won't be pleasant having to deal with it.

I hope you can be creative in finding a way to GAL though. An evolving M requires GAL...I ignored that at my peril.

[flowmom]

Well, now that the novelty has worn off, the children are really starting to resist H taking them out of our home to his apartment or on outings during "his" time. That is stressing H out. His feelings aren't my problem, but tricky to deal with as he is asking for my input on how to deal with these situations.

[Onthemountaintop]

As long as you don't get spiteful, maybe this is good. It shows him that the kids will be an issue to contend with. Problems you may already know that could arise (+others?):
- he blames you (hates you), sees it as proof that D is the best
- he gives up on them
- he loves his kids enough that he slows down the separation
- through your/his encouragement, kids see this as a way to show love for him that is unconditional --> who knows...?

I can see why he'd ask you. If you ending off having main custody, the other parent is the loser. For a guy to admit that problem and come asking for help must feel very shameful...

You could set a rule saying that you need to get a job/hobby/shopping/etc done and that you do it when the kids are with their dad, so they don't have a choice. It teaches them the lesson that they'll carry into their marriages, that love means sacrifice and making tough decisions. They could also get a lot of other positive and not so positive lessons.

good luck.

[Cyrena]

Great work on making it a good V-day for your kids, and for distracting yourself with friends.

My suggestion for when your H asks for your input is, use the opportunity to show that you listen to him and aren't trying to control the situation: just listen, validate ("It must hurt when son says..." or whatever), and leave it to him. Then tell yourself that it's his issue to work out and you have stopped micro-managing him, and erase it from your head.

I know what it's like when, the more your H pulls away, the more you feel the need to control, and it feels WONDERFUL to reach the point where you stop taking on excess responsibility. I had to do that for my H's spending and deteriorating relationship with the kids, as well, and made sure I didn't let myself stew about it. That way, on the rare occasion when I did feel I needed to say something, he was much more likely to listen.

[rr22]

He needs to get a book about it or talk to an IC. If you tell him or advise him, he is not solving it himself and he has elected to be a single parent part of the time so he needs to solve it himself. Also, if you advise him you are taking on a parental role towards him, right? Seems sticky. Like Cyrena said, I'd be careful about taking on excess responsibility but for a number of reasons.

[flowmom]

BTW, I've been pretty hand-off with parenting. I've made it clear to the kids that I'm not going to rescue them from time with him. I've encouraged them to express their wishes to him in appropriate ways. This morning I did leave the house and I have no idea how the morning went.

Yes, taking on the parental/caretaking role is a bit of a trap in this situation. This morning he was making comments that seemed like he was wanting me to help him with dealing with the kids. Rather than jump in with advice, I asked him if he was asking for my input (trying to be respectful). He said yes, and I gave him a suggestion of how to deal with them (they were in rough shape because he didn't see them at all yesterday then he was 2 hours late this morning). I see that as being cooperative so I think that's OK. I'm getting better at reminding myself that the individual moments of my sitch aren't going to scar the kids for life, and the bad stuff of what's going on is largely out of my control (micromanaging or trying to control won't really improve their experience).

H is GAL, but it really doesn't look like he's taking care of himself at all. He has sleep issues and he is still not getting enough sleep, which has been a longstanding day to day problem in our M (which he probably blames on me because of our financial dependence on him).

Thanks for all the replies. It means a lot to me when people visit my thread.

[flowmom]

So my GAL this morning wasn't too exciting: going to the drug store. I found myself in the condom aisle trying to figure out whether to buy some. Hmmmm. I know that jumping into bed with someone is probably not a healthy way to deal with the situation. OTOH, it's amazing how helpful it can be! I did that a million years ago, the last time my heart was broken.

PS: how do I interpret it when, in FB, the guy in a family that we're friends with suggests that I become a fan of a polyamory political activist group? This has never come up in conversation when we've hung out at birthday parties and music festivals! Is this an attempt to indirectly share something personal about their life, or???

[CityGirl]

You seem to really have some feelings that need sorting out about the financial dependence you had on your H.

If you worked full time and so did your H chances are you would need help of some sort w/your children. Be it daycare, a babysitter or nanny. Or, you and your H would have to work opposite hours which can be equally as difficult. I have many friends that stopped working as after they paid childcare expenses they really were not bringing in much income at all. My cousin's wife figured she was making 117.00 per month after she paid for daycare. Working 40 hours per week only to bring home 117.00 per month really is not reasonable.

So, yes, your H may have supported you financially but had you both worked a big chunk of income would have gone to childcare of some sort.

Your H may never see it that way and that is fine but it is reality. Childcare (at least in the US) is very expensive. In your case you would have two very young children needing full time care while you and your H worked. It can really add up.

[Onthemountaintop]

If you are still committed to working on your M if your hubby wakes up to smell your improving coffee, then FB affairs might be seen as such.

If he found them at your house, it would probably drive him crazy jealous. Do you think that would help your stich? Likely, he'd never find them, but you'd know they were there. Does it show GAL or giving up?