I understand completely. The whole cake eating thing is so frustrating. I hope that someday I can spend time with XH and have it feel like "nothingship" for me. Some days it does feel like that and some days it feels like a set back. The kids always love it, though...our mediator said IF you can do it, its great for the kids. But if it takes your focus off them and makes you unhappy, then don't do it.
musclegal, why do you hope you can spend time with XH at all? I don't know why I'd ever want to spend any time with XW. Sure, the kids love it, but it just perpetuates their hope for mom and dad getting back together. The pain of seeing the continued disappointment in their faces afterwards isn't worth the temporary joy they might feel at the time. I think I disagree with your mediator, especially for little kids, who can't understand that it doesn't mean the family is back together. It seems so fake and hollow, and just confuses them.
I don't know if there's something wrong with hope. False hope is a problem.
An explanation before might suffice. Little kids don't understand why daddy's away anyhow - they don't understand intimate relationships, just love.
Spending time regularily seems odd. But for the first few years, it might soften the blow to the little kids.
All the assumptions we have in N.America about divorce have led us to find kids are almost always hurt in a divorce. Myself, I think D is an option for those who need it, allowed by God. As such, I think there must be a good way to D without hurting the kids forever...maybe we just haven't found it.
Now, I'm here, so obviously I think D is a last resort. In our faith, divorce is the "most hated thing made permissible by God"
I think D is the option when abuse is present, but if it's just an issue of resentment, lack of communication, and "giving up", then I think the pain children suffer is tragic and unnecessary.
Resentment is essentially silent, and is a form of protest over perceived lack of respect. Emotional abuse involves yelling, name calling, criticizing, and is a form of control.
Please start a new thread. This thread is getting a bit too long, so I'm locking it. Shorter threads improve the speed and flow of this online community.
