Think of this like an extreme silent treatment... make sure you get your friend to reassure him that you aren't done, but you do NOT want to see him as long as he has any contact with OW
Man I hope I'm strong enough to pull this off. I just feel so weak when it comes to him contacting me or my impulse to contact him. I hate this whole mess, as I'm sure everyone on here does. I hate to sound like I'm having a pity party, I just want this to be over with, one way or another.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Yup.. you are doing everything to push this to an end... Not to worry...
You don't NEED to be strong with a good intermediary to talk to him on your behalf...we all pretty much are reccomending you to NOT TALK to him.. at ALL.. until she's GONE.
For YOUR healthy and his and your children's, do NOT expose yourself to this affair when you have a safety zone and an intermediary ... they will keep you from having to do all of this hard work
H came over again last night. It was late so I was unable to leave. However, I didn't talk hardly at all, and he tried to fight with me, but I was very calm. Basically he is just trying to get info from me about the letter. I finally told him that I'm not going to sit and defend myself, that I had nothing to do with it, and if that is why he came over he can leave now.
He shut up about that, and started talking about our M. I just said that I would like to work on it, but for now as long as he was involved with this OW, I want no part of it. Of course he did the "were just friends", I just ignored him. Then he started to ask me what my plans were for us. I repeated that I was willing to work on M when he was done with her. After a few more minutes of him saying he just doesn't see how it will work, blah blah blah. I finally said, I'm going to bed, it's time for you to leave.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
nikblondiew, You are so right, it is hard to keep those emotions under control. I guess that is why they call it a rollercoaster ride. All those different emotions really mess with GAL. One minute I'm determined to not contact H at all, and then the next I start trying to thing of reasons to contact him. I am getting better at not contacting, however I still want to (-:
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
nikblondiew, You are so right, it is hard to keep those emotions under control. I guess that is why they call it a rollercoaster ride. All those different emotions really mess with GAL. One minute I'm determined to not contact H at all, and then the next I start trying to thing of reasons to contact him. I am getting better at not contacting, however I still want to (-:
I am worried about you and the stress you are putting on yourself! Barriers (right now it is you) to an affair only enable and encourage. The full consequences of the A must be felt so the A can hit rock bottom. Let the current upset be theirs and stay out of it. Let her try to meet ALL of his needs. Let him see she can't. The only way to do that is to move out of the way! Going dark is the hardest thing I have ever attempted. Every day that goes by without contact tho, makes you stronger and more at peace, and slows down the rollercoaster ride. Try handwriting in a journal, all the things you want to say to H. (It is too tempting to push the send button if done on the computer.) I know you want contact for many reasons, but taking the temperature of his chaos is destructive TO YOU and helps serve the drama of the A. Try listing the reasons you want to contact H, and how that contact will serve you and/or your M. I'll start it for you: 1) To show him how his behavior is hurting you. In his current state, he will probably twist what you say into some kind of justification to make his behavior ok. 2) To take the current temperature of the A and M. He is on a rollercoaster too. Current temperature won't mean much, it will change quickly. 3) You miss your H and BF. He is not your H and BF at the moment. He is hurting you.
I know the resistance is hard to maintain but it does get better. You will begin to feel better after a week or 2 and that will encourage you to continue. You will also be setting a good example of NC for H! I think I posted my NC/Plan B letter. I made it clear to my H, I wanted M but not until he was done with OW. NC is soooo scary. There are no guarantees. But YOU WILL FEEL BETTER, calmer, more in control of yourself and your emotions! That alone has made it worth it to me. At least commit to it for 2 or 3 weeks, and watch what happens. I'm pulling for you.((((mb))))
P.S. By encouraging you, I find encouragement, so Thank You mb.
Last edited by WhatNow; 02/15/1007:13 PM. Reason: typos
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Wow, those responses you gave him were spot on MB.
You really are getting the hang of stepping OUT of an argument... It's a talent.. its VERY addictive to dive right in and take the opposing side...
As soon as you hear 'were just friends' I am sure you want to blast him with all the evidence you can throw at him... it's pointless...
The most effective way to combat an argument during an affair is to WALK AWAY FROM IT
KIDS try this, they argue with their parents, especially when in teens... Parents learn the talent of NOT ENGAGING... when you argue, you DIGNIFY the subject... make it worth a discussion...
His affair is NOT worth that... so don't discuss it... you have it down...
WELL DONE.. now go to your safety zone and wait out the storm
