Had an exchange of words via email with xW this morning.
I gave her a brief, fair warning about the infraction from Friday night and that I would be contacting the Parenting Coordinator (PC) to let him know. xW fired back that she was perfectly right in what she did and that she and OM were going to get married within a month, so I'd better start getting used to co-parenting with he as well as her. (This is the first admission by her directly to me about her plan. I found that interesting.)
...
I did call the PC this morning. He first began apologizing for not calling me back, as xW had contacted him weeks ago about the last infraction and he was supposed to have contacted me afterward to let me know. I then briefly appraised him of the latest situation.
He set me straight on a number of things, made valid arguments, but then I had my counter-arguments. He said it was natural for me to be upset and to not want to be marginalized from a firm role in my S's lives, but he tried to stress to me that if xW marries OM it is expected that he take a parental role in that household. It depends on the degree, of course.
He asked me (rhetorically) shouldn't OM take on a co-parent role with respect to my S's. I asked him why? He asked me to clarify and I said OM would be nothing more to my kids than the husband of their mother. No need for another father in their lives, despite what xW might want.
I could tell he was somewhat sympathetic to my stance but at the same time he was trying to rationalize the situation for me, to ameliorate my reaction to these events. In particular he asked me, hypothetically, that were I to get married again, would I not want my new wife to act as a parent to my children as well? I replied, "Why? And to what degree? Is it mandatory that I have my wife usurp the role of xW in the lives of my S's? No, My new wife would simply be the wife of my children's father, not their parent -- I see xW (for better or worse) as the mother of my S's. It would never be my desire to supplant xW in their minds and heart, or to confuse the issue for them at all. The person I marry would have to understand that."
That seemed to get the PC to think a bit.
Folks, as an aside, I knew in my heart for that to be so. Much as I would love my next wife, my first responsibility (after God) is to my S's, at least until they are grown. I would want my S's to treat my wife and even the OM with respect as adult figures in the household. But I do not want them to be co-equal with their natural parents. Ever.
(Except of course, in the unfortunate demise of one of us <heaven forbid>, the other parent of the surviving couple could legally adopt the natural parent's children, if that's how it legally pans out.)
Maybe I'm crazy and unreasonable. I don't know.
The PC then tried to explain that he hoped that xW was not, as I described, trying to play "house" with our children present. "That would be unfortunate." But if they do get M'ed, he added, I would be facing this situation with their actions legally sanctioned. I told him that's not my concern so much as xW continual encroachment on my ability to effectively parent my S's and supplanting me in their minds with OM. My fear is that this is yet another progression on this slippery slope she has placed us since before our separation. I described for him several incidents including the Scout Sunday service on Saturday night and said that it is apparent to me that xW means to marginalize me over time to non-status in S9 and S5's lives. This has been xW's dream since before I became aware of her betrayal -- I have never seen her vary from this goal, except to make minor, easily-reversible concessions along the way. This M is just another milestone in her plan.
The PC said again he hoped not. He then said he wanted to contact xW today and to discuss with her these new developments, get her side of the story. He wants to talk to her and he would then contact me later today. So we left it at that.
I am certain that xW is merely going to lie through her teeth again to the PC. She has tried to make it seem that whenever I contradict her in front of the kids (or over the phone) that that amounts to me being "verbally abusing" of my children -- not her, but the kids. This is evidence that she confuses her well-being and her very self with that of our S's, as if what's good or bad for her directly effects our S's, but my own welfare is totally irrelevant in her mind to anyone.