Think my wife is having an MLC, looking for help

[TrentC]

One of the things that I took away from my weekend at Retrouvaille is a feeling that my wife is going through a midlife crisis. She spoke of wanting to do things and go places, and seeing what life has to offer her. There were comments to the effect of "things haven't been okay for a long time" which seem at odds with the reality of the situation.

This isn't an attempt to shift blame for the deterioration of my marriage. I know what I have done, both intentionally and unintentionally, to harm our relationship.

So here I am, starting a new phase in my relationship. I have read some of the stickied threads about how to deal with my spouse and take care of myself in the meantime.

[Cadet]

I know you have been around for a while.

Have you read the resources?
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

This is the detach link:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go
1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

[smith18]

Trent -

I would not push her to do the homework. Remember, it was a little over a week ago that you found that she lied where she was going and that she flew to Colorado to be with OM. And I think she deliberately lied about her health conditions to get you to give up the M easier. Retro was a start, but you both need time.

During the coming months, you need to work on yourself. Become the better man. I believe you are aware of your codependence and are seeing a C for that. I really recommend you check out those books (Nuts, Inner Lives of Women) that I mentioned.

Are you still looking around for another job near where you live?

[TrentC]

I would not push her to do the homework. Remember, it was a little over a week ago that you found that she lied where she was going and that she flew to Colorado to be with OM. And I think she deliberately lied about her health conditions to get you to give up the M easier. Retro was a start, but you both need time.

I agree with the first part but not the second. I think she was genuinely confused and surprised about the incorrect diagnosis; the anger and pain she was displaying when she told me that she couldn't have kids and that she blamed our lack of motivation to look into it was too great. But, I have been wrong before...

During the coming months, you need to work on yourself. Become the better man. I believe you are aware of your codependence and are seeing a C for that. I really recommend you check out those books (Nuts, Inner Lives of Women) that I mentioned.

I have read For Men Only and picked up copies of Codependant No More and Codependant's Guide to the Twelve Steps. I haven't been able to find a copy of Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S., but I might head into Powell's today; I have the day off.

I have an appointment with my IC on Thursday to discuss codependancy. When we discussed my codependancy this weekend, I told her that she is not responsible for taking care of me emotionally, and that I cannot do the same for her. I very gently suggested that my wife read Codependant No More and see if she sees her behavior in those pages the way I did mine.

Are you still looking around for another job near where you live?

Yes. I need to start a new round of looking for openings.

I am also going to continue looking after myself physically. I want to talk to my physician about low sex drive; there have been several articles about low testosterone levels that make me wonder if there is a physiological component that I have overlooked.

[TrentC]

I know you have been around for a while.

Have you read the resources?

I have read (and forwarded) the detachment article several times. I will look at the other threads.

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I will do so. Thanks!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Trent,

I just caught up on your sitch today. Needless to say, I was saddened and STUNNED. Things seemed to have been going so well. I'm so sorry.

As the others have said on your other thread, no 2x4s from me, buddy. You've been fighting a valiant fight for your marriage, and have carried yourself with grace and strength thru some tough times already. And lots more still ahead, no doubt.

Setting aside the Retrou post-sessions for a moment, will your wife agree to any MCing with you right now? Preferably with someone who specializes in infidelity? Has ANYTHING been put in place to try to ensure there isn't continued contact? I'd just hate to see you hurt AGAIN.

I'll leave the MLC advice to the MLC experts. Just wanted to come by and offer my support -- and PRAYERS.

Puppy

[Lostforwords]

Trent,

I know you have been on here for awhile....but could you give us a recent synopsis of the last 6 months or so. I see that Puppy and Rob were both posting to you a lot early on.....and I really don't agree with their approach fitting to an MLC situation. Really give a quick overview of everything from August to today.

Welcome to the MLC side of things...remember we do things a little bit different.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

One of the things that I took away from my weekend at Retrouvaille is a feeling that my wife is going through a midlife crisis. She spoke of wanting to do things and go places, and seeing what life has to offer her. There were comments to the effect of "things haven't been okay for a long time" which seem at odds with the reality of the situation.

Trent,

Have you been able to confirm when she first started contacting these other men? Did these marital complaints precede the affairs, and you just missed them, or have these complaints only come up recently?

Puppy

[TrentC]

My wife is not willing to see an MC right now; I asked her if I should schedule another appointment with the MC and she said she didn't see the point while she was still trying to figure out if this is what she wanted.

I think the post sessions and Retro homework will be the best that I get right now.

My current plan is to work on what I should have been doing all along; detaching and GALing. The detachment is coming along pretty well, actually.

Part of the struggle for me right now with asking for a transparency plan is trying to break myself of some of the codependent behaviors that have observed. (The MC remarked that we both seem "codependent as hell"!) How to balance setting boundaries with controlling behavior is something I will discuss with my IC, and with an MC if she wants to recommit to working on things with me.

As for me getting hurt, the discovery of the continued EA was about the worst thing I have ever experienced. After the remorse she expressed and the confusion she described, if she wants to continue the EA, she will. She had already created one fake email account, and I'm sure she can create more.

[TrentC]

Have you been able to confirm when she first started contacting these other men? Did these marital complaints precede the affairs, and you just missed them, or have these complaints only come up recently?

The marital problems preceded the affairs. She didn't even meet the OM until we started playing World of Warcraft, and by that time things were starting to go bad.

I know when I found the first evidence originally, in September. From what I read, the EA probably began sometime in June or July.