Not sure which way to go anymore

[Mystik]

Journaling...

Yesterday was ok until bed time. Then when DS commented that H never called him back my brain was off and running with different reasons as to why, and they all centered around OW and H being to "wrapped up" with her to bother returning his son's call. So I cried a bit, prayed for God to help me stop hurting and asked Him for help letting go of this situation, putting it in His hands.

Today so far was rough. H called to coordinate pick-up of DS and asked if we could hang out for a bit, so we did. He got his hair cut then we went to Friendly's for lunch. On the way to the restaurant he needed to call his tramp to let her know he was going to be late. I walked faster so I could avoid hearing him on the phone with her, unfortunately H walks faster than me so he caught up with me and I heard him say "See you when I get home." Oh, how that hurt. His home is supposed to be with me, not someone else. I knew then that trying to hang out today was a bad idea, but it was too late. So I spent most of the meal kicking myself for agreeing in the first place, then for putting out the idea for lunch instead of just a pretzel. Yes, I offered the idea for lunch because neither DS nor I had eaten yet all day. Go ahead, 2x4 me. I've been doing it since I opened my mouth and said "Want to get lunch" earlier today.


I just hate this whole d*mn situation. I feel like he doesn't even notice or care how much he has hurt me. If anything, it feels like he broke my heart then deliberately took all those broken pieces and ground them into dust. I feel some days that I will never be able to love again, and wonder how I could forgive him for doing so much wrong to me. Then other days I feel that I love him so much and I have already forgiven him everything he's done. I know that I shouldn't spend time with him, but at the same time I want to show him that I'm fun to be around. He can be with me and I won't pressure him for R talks, or stress him out about money. This is just so hard.