For several months before the bomb- my W would ask me if I was staying up. I normally just got back from the gym and needed an hour to wind down. Little did I know she was really asking me to come to bed w/ her.
Later she tells me she would cry herself to sleep, thinking there had to be someone better out there for her.
I thought about that, but have been told not to give in and have sex with her. Another reason for the coaching session-what to do in my sitch. Do I ML to her if she wants? Do I instigate? I am really lost!!!!!!!! I think I get a handle on what to do, but I just don't know.
No plans that I know of. She works Sun. Was thinking of surprinsing her at work with the kids and going out to eat. Not really making plans for the two of us, doesn't seem the right time. If I make it about the kids, she can't say I'm "persuing" her, etc.
I am really looking forward to my coaching session Mon. nite. I have read a lot on here and appritiate all who have read my story and offered advice. I have tried some things I have read and been told but to do some techniques without fully understanding them may do me more harm than good. Will check in throughout the weekend and do more homework for myself. Thank you all again. I know when I get through this, however it works out, I will still be here to offer my opinion to anyone unfortunate enough to find themselves here.
Just a quick note on this weekend: W went to work Sun. morning, when the kids got up, found the valentines treats she left for them on kitchen table. Very excited! I took kids to church and religion class. Got home @ noon, had doughnuts, as always after church, and they wanted to go eat at a restaurant. I said maybe we can surprise Mom at work and take her out to eat. They thought that was great. Older boys wanted to stop and buy Mom some flowers. We did, and went to her work and she was very surprised. Of course, said we shouldn't have bought flowers but seemed happy to have us (kids?) there. Went to eat and had a good time. After kids went to bed and were asleep, she came over, kissed and hugged me, said thanks for the flowers and bringing the kids for lunch. I said, you're welcome, it was a nice day for the family, and told her goodnight. Really wanted more but left it at that and was "happy" about it. Don't know if that is still pursuing, but seemed to work well. Can't wait for my phone coaching session tonight!
After kids went to bed and were asleep, she came over, kissed and hugged me, said thanks for the flowers and bringing the kids for lunch. I said, you're welcome, it was a nice day for the family, and told her goodnight. Really wanted more but left it at that and was "happy" about it. Don't know if that is still pursuing, but seemed to work well.
No, I think you handled it just about right. Were the flowers from you, or the kids, or you and the kids?
but have been told not to give in and have sex with her. Another reason for the coaching session-what to do in my sitch. Do I ML to her if she wants? Do I instigate? I am really lost
It is important that you understand the reason you were advised not to have sex with your W. Do you know why? You don't seem to understand b/c you want to know if it's okay as long as she "wants" to and then you ask if you should instigate it.
I think you have your mind on sex too much and not on the other things. You did handle the "good-night" very well last night. What would you have done if she had followed you to bed and iniated sex? You need to know in advance what to do and what to say whenever that happens. And....if you know you won't have the strength to turn her down, then for goodness sake use protection! (I can almost hear you thinking right now, "But that would make her furious if I did that.")
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Puppy, My twins picked the flowers. There was one vase left with a dozen roses in it and that's what they picked. I suggested something else and they said you get roses for valentines day. I did not buy a card nor did I sign the card on the flowers. I gave each child a couple of the roses and they snuck up on Mom with them and yelled "happy valentines day" I didn't have anything to give her. When I came around the corner from where I was watching, I told her happy valentines day and, with my arms around the kids said this was my gift to her. BTW, no card or anything from her and I am perfectly OK with that. I can see how my mindset is changing but am still learning and don't want to screw things up.
Sandi, To be honest, sometimes I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. I get the theory, but some of the 180's for me would be to instigate more with her. After confronting her about my suspicions a year ago, I pretty much stopped being the one to instigate ML because of the whole sitch. I know sex solves nothing but I sure do miss it! I know, wait until the R improves, concentrate on myself and other things first. It is a constant struggle to know what to do and when to do it. Thanks again to you and PDT for your input, it's like getting free coaching! I wish I had both of your personal #'s but then you wouldn't have time to help anyone else!
