Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Just talked to my DB coach. Major points:

1)good that WH didn't bring up D after holidays

2)good job being mysterious andGALing but I can "drop some hints" to raise his curiousity

3)doesn't recommend I go dark because I am getting some progress currently but to mix it up; be gone some days, be present others

4)when WH drops comments that elude to divorced life in the future (i.e. day care comment, taxes, etc.) then to note that it could be something triggered him to make those comments;like he is using them to establish distance between us; if I was persuing for example he might make a comment to put the wall up. If OW was pressuring him he might make that comment too. If he was having a good time with me and felt confused he could make the comment. So I guess I should just not read too much into them.

5) He assured me that "acting happy" might give WH the impression that I am happy and be prepared for him to say "I'm glad you are getting on with your life; you seem happy so let's divorce."

But that was good because you don't want a spouse to come back to you out of obligation or guilt; like if he couldn't D me because he thought it would cause me too much pain.So he returns but is not in it 100%; is miserable.

He told me if WH said that, I was to respond to the first comment only and say "yes, I have had fun learning to belly dance...it's quite erotic actually! Some moves are trickier than others but I love it so far! And yes, I have been getting to different wine bars around the Portland area and met some new friends. Oh and ever since my friend introduced me to Super Mario Bros on the wii I have been loving it...I went and got one and have been working my way through the levels!"

He said to just tell short 30 second stories. And then change the subject! WH might not bring up divorce again.
BUT if he does pursue the topic, I am to say

"You know, I want both of us to live happy, rich, fulfilled lives. I believe that we deserve to have that together. As you can see I have already started. But if you don't want that with me, so be it."

Drop the rope. Be done. (like I suspected- dropping the rope means I GIVE UP! YOU WIN ALREADY! SHEEEEEESH!)
WH could still go throught with the D. Or maybe not.

Let's see....so he just warned me to mentally prepare for any comments that might hurt me or talk of divorce and rehearse my response. Visualize it so I will be emotionally prepared.

And he reminded me that this is a human experiment. So I need to monitor results...look for changes from him (duh). He did ask me if I saw anything positive lately.

All I had was he has been doing more acts of service and seems happy to see me...but it could be guilt. He just said that all I have to measure my results is his behavior so whether or not it is motivated by guilt, I don't know. But if I implement A and he increases acts of service, it could be a result of implementation of A. It's something different, he said.

So I feel a combination of validation for what I have been doing, encouragement and then "impending doom."

Oh he said if I am having a down day then to be gone for sure! That makes sense!

Yeah and one more thing--he said at some point that both WH and I deserve to be happy but that WH needs to see that he will be happier with ME, not OW, so I need to be the best newmama I can be. Then he said "and even if you divorce, you want WH to be happy right, I mean you don't want him to be miserable..."

I said "well, only since he is the father of my child! hahaha."