Hi Kelly, To answer your questions, at the moment my h is in an affair with a woman (his bi-s activity was purely casual, not emotional). He denies any affair to his parents, his sister, me, his friends, etc. (except of course to his confidante(s) who is/are previous lovers!). Because he is the LAST person you'd expect to have this kind of secret life, exposing it would not have been easy, unless I trotted around with the evidence in my purse, passing it out willy-nilly.
As for my devastation, that happened 10 years ago with the first EA (the first I knew of, at least). I went through an incredibly tormented, anguished 2-3 year period, weeping in the middle of the night, paralyzed with grief, making behavioural changes. I pulled out of that, and started to GAL, and set better boundaries around what I would accept from while trying not to be nagging, bitchy, etc. It's possible my changing the codependent dance set him off kilter (he has major anxieties) and he started looking for emotional/sexual security in bizarre underground ways.
Since there "is no oW" my children don't know and haven't met her. Believe me, I've wanted to go on a rampage, but have held back because of my daughter especially. In counselling, she said she was confused over what her dad wanted, what he was looking for, because she's examined me and found nothing bad about me. I don't want her being introduced too soon, and then thinking this is what the ideal woman looks like/whom her dad wants. (Having read the emails between them, OW is like the others on this board -- controlling, a loose cannon, needing to set her hooks in some guy she THINKS is a pushover.)
My husband doesn't know I know, although he may have figured something out because my behaviour did a 180 -- from telling him the door is always open, to trotting off to the lawyer for a separation agreement, no longer signing emails with Love,. I have refrained because of concern over exposing my kids to this. SO I lay low, and wait, and watch them, to make sure things are ok.
I think you're right the behaviour has now become an entrenched habit -- possibly it was an addiction to romance/passion that turned into a sex addiction -- also a reason why I feel no jealousy toward this particular OW, since she doesn't have a clue what she's dealing with,.
