I haven't canceled the cell phone and the internet. I am in IT, and work from home sometimes, and before all this started, my W complained to me that as a SAHM, she didn't feel like she had a life outside of our home. Once we had kids, She lost touch with her friends and co-workers, and spent her days alone with the kids while I went to the office and Did Things and had Grown-Up Conversations.
I will own that I didn't do the best job of staying connected to her. I thought I was helping by giving her own space to decompress when I got home each day, but at some point, we stopped trying to be a big part of each others' days. I'm trying to get it back, but she has said she has gotten used to living her life without me.
I tried to do things to show her that I loved her, but, as I have recently found out, we were speaking different Love Languages. (Mine is Physical Touch, as far as I can tell, hers is Acts of Service; one of the reasons I started picking up the housework duties, and worked side-by-side with her yesterday to start putting the house back together...)
She said she wanted to get on FB to reconnect with friends and family, and from reading the IM log off the family computer from before this all started, I could see where she told her BFF she wasn't looking to put herself out there or look up old BF's, she just wanted to be able to play some games and talk to her family who lived out of town. Like a lot of other WAW's I have read about, I don't think she was looking for OM, but he was nice to her when she needed it and took advantage of her vulnerabilities.
I have been told repeatedly throughout this that I'm only making a big deal about their friendship becasue I don't trust her, but she has done nothing to earn back my trust by continuing to password protect her phone and laptop and hiding her communications with OM.
I would have a much easier time trusting her if I could verify. I would consider a keylogger, but I'm not sure how to get it on her laptop, since she keeps it locked and password protected when she's not around. Anybody have any suggestions?
keeps it locked and password protected when she's not around. Anybody have any suggestions?
Yes, and you've already been given them. CUT OFF HER CELLPHONE. Let her re-connect herself, using her own name and credit, and pay for it herself. DON'T PAY TO ENABLE HER AFFAIR, and DAMNED sure don't pay for something she's using to conduct it RIGHT UNDER YOUR FRIGGING NOSE!!!
Since the cellphone is the one she's flaunted right in front of you, that would be the place to start.
I know at least one keylogger will install itself on a recipient's computer if you can get them to click on an attached file. Worth a shot. If not, look for a time she leaves the laptop unprotected (there's always a way -- I'll tell you my story in a separate post, if I haven't already). Or, you could try a voice-activated recorder, Velcro'd up underneath the front seat of her car.
Look, you're making excuses for her, and you have since you posted here, Eeyore. If you want to know how to phrase it, we can help you do that (how about "Yes, you said you wanted to reconnect with friends and have a life outside of this home, but you've shown that you've used it (the internet) to have an affair, and to flaunt it right under my nose, and I've decided that I'll no longer be disrespected that way in my own home," if you'd like), but you have to WANT to do it, and see the NEED to do it, first.
(Puppy Dog Tails, as "Chocolateeyes," circa Summer 2007)
My wife also kept wiping her cellphone -- call log and TMs -- a couple of times every day, and also kept the phone with her (or near her) 24/7, it seemed.
I also noticed, that NOW THAT SHE FELT CONFIDENT THAT SHE HAD IT WITH HER ALL THE TIME, she no longer locked it.
So I began to study her habits/patterns every day. And I noticed that every morning, she woke up before I did, came downstairs, put on her shoes, and went outside to get the paper (we were sleeping in separate rooms at this time, me in the master BR and her upstairs in our daughter's old room).
I also noticed (made a beeline/"dry run" up there one morning when she went out to get the paper) that she kept her phone up there after she woke up, near her "bed" (a sleeping bag on the furniture-less room floor), charging, and UNLOCKED.
I quickly set the phone back down where I had found it, and slipped downstairs back into my bed. But I had my plan.
I went online and got a .pdf of her cellphone instructions, as I knew I wouldn't have much time with it, and would have to use that time quickly and wisely, and couldn't afford to be stumbling around with the buttons (I was totally unfamiliar with her phone). I studied the owners manual until I knew the navigation for call log and especially TEXT MESSAGES, frontwards and back. I waited for my opportunity, making sure to begin CLOSING MY BEDROOM DOOR EVERY NIGHT WHEN I WENT TO BED (I hadn't previously; had left it open a crack).
This I did for a week or two.
One morning, after a night where she had gone to bed early and I KNEW she was text messaging up there in her room, I pretended like I was asleep, and waited for her to go out and get the newspaper. When she did, I bolted up out of bed, left my bedroom, and shut the door the way behind me. I ran upstairs, went into her bedroom, and quietly closed the door behind me. There, next to her sleeping bag, was her cellphone, unlocked.
I spent the next 5 minutes looking at more than I needed to know, or that I wanted to see. Lots of "ILYs" and "no one does it for me like you do's" (this after she claimed the affair was over, and they were "just friends" again). Made sure to check both a few Sent Items and a few INbox, to make sure this wasn't a one-sided affair.
It wasn't.
I laid the phone back down, and came out of her bedroom and into our upstairs game room, and just went on the family computer for about 10-15 minutes. She was now downstairs, reading the newspaper at the kitchen table, just as she always did.
After awhile, I came down the stairs, and gave her a cheery "G'morning!"
She looked like she had seen a ghost, and the poor girl probably wet herself.
"W-w-what are you doing up?" she stammered.
"Oh, I couldn't sleep -- just went on the computer for a little bit," I answered.
"What's wrong with your laptop?" she asked, worried. (I rarely used the family computer upstairs)
"Oh, nothing," I purposely said briefly. "I"m gonna get in the shower; you need anything out of there?"
"No," she said, obviously worried shitless.
I knew all I needed to know, and it was GOOD that I knew it, because no more than 4-5 days later, she tried to gaslight me about not having any feelings for this OM. At that point, I said "STOP IT -- we both know you're lying to me right now. I saw your text messages the other morning, so you can sell that to someone who's buying."
I am interested in finding out more about the keylogger for the laptop. She communicates with OM mostly through AOL, but receives notifications on her phone when she's offline.
I was able to take a look at her phone a few weeks ago when she left it unlocked; she had deleted all of the sent and received text messages, but the call log only showed calls to or from family. Since OM lives in England, I don't know that she has talked to him on the phone.
Up to now, I have accepted this situation, because I rationalized that as long as we were living and sleeping together, we weren't too broken to fix, and that we would eventually get better together. I am tired of living in fear of what might happen if my marriage fell apart and my W stopped being a part of my life, and I am tired of being forced to accept this OM in our M under the guise of being "Just Friends".
I am trying to stand up for myself. It has been hard for me, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth doing. I realize I am not moving as quickly as everyone would like. I apreciate everyone's help, and I thank you for your patience and understanding.
Hey, when you're ready you're ready, right? I completely understand. It took TWO YEARS of people trying to beat me with 2x4s before I finally got it that my wife was probably going to have an affair, and by then . . . she was. Now, to my credit, once I found out, I moved VERY swiftly and aggressively, but I do understand.
try eblaster-dot-com for the product I was describing. I've used it (altho I never tried the remote install feature), and it works extremely well. NOT for the feint-of-heart, tho. Don't do this unless you think you can handle what you're going to see. Another option would be to have the reports e-mailed to a trusted 3rd party, who can screen them for you. Seriously.
you can find some decent keyloggers as torrents on the www or on limewire- they are very simple to use. Some will have a limit of 7, 10, or 30 days. Others are forever.
You understand that your broadband router has the ability to limit access times and computers.
If you need the internet for work and for your kids....Then limit the router to those mac addresses and at specific times. Ban your wifes mac address. Let her go cold turkey for a few weeks. And in a few weeks if she can be trusted. Trust is something that is verified. There is no secerts in a marriage right! You install a keylogger I recommend real spy monitor and you give her 1 to 2 hours a day access. But no access for when you are not around.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
So, after our talk last week, Mrs. Eeyore was okay for a few days. She did a little more housework, hung out with the family a little bit, and we went shopping as a family. She left her phone laying around a few times (locked, of course), and if she talked to OM1/2/3, she didn't do it around me.
Valentine's Day came and went about as expected. I gave her a card and a box of candy, along with tickets for a concert she asked for. She didn't give me anything, which was disappointing, but not unexpected.
At 5:00 this morning, I woke up when her cell phone buzzed. She looked at it, then put it back under her pillow. I asked her who it was, and she didn't answer. I asked her again, and she sighed and said, "Oh, that's right, I forgot, you don't trust me." I responded with a very undignified FU. She was taken aback, then said that if I must know, it was OM, who sent her a message telling her he was having troubles at home and wanted to tell her about them.
I told her he and her other male friends needed to deal with their own issues, and leave us out of it. My W then said again that that they were all "just good friends" and that I would never trust her. I told her I was trying to trust her, and that I wanted to trust her, but she had done nothing to rebuild that trust. I told her that as long as she kept her computer and phone locked, and the details of her friendships hidden from me, it seemed like something was going on. She said that I would never trust her and that I was trying to control every aspect of her life, then she left the room.
I waited a few minutes, then went looking for her. I found her in D4's bedroom. I asked her to come back to bed, and she said no, she was done. She said she was done feeling trapped and not having the freedom to be herself, and said she thought we should seperate. I agreed with her, and told her I would help her pack her things and find a place to live. She looked stunned, then said she wasn't going to leave. I told her I had no intentions of leaving our family home or bedroom, and if she wanted to separate, I would help her move her things into D4's room. I then went back to bed.
The noise woke D4 up, and she stayed in my room for a few minutes, then went down the hall to find my W. A few minutes went by, then my wife and D4 came back in and sat down on the couch.
My W said she was tired of feeling like she was living under a microscope and couldn't take it any more. She said again that she was done. I told her I was sorry she felt that way, but that it might be for the best since I deserved better. I told her I didn't want to be married to someone who didn't want to be with me, and wasn't willing to be anyone's second choice.
She asked why I couldn't just accept OM1/2/3 as her friends, and no different than her girlfriends and family. I said it was a big difference, because there was no reason why a man should need to be friends with a married woman he doesn't work with, when he isn't friend with her husband. I said they stopped being "just friends" when she started keeping her conversations with them a secret, and when she started telling them details about our M. I said I thought these men were predators, who took advantage of her when she was depressed and lonely, and that when she told them about problems with us, it threw up a flag that she might be available for something more. I said all three of these men have the same thing in common, that they have problems they can't handle by themselves, and that she is the only one that understands them. I told her that as a guy, I was calling BS, because I had done the same thing in the past before we were married. I told her that if a man was interested in a woman, and she gave him signals that her R was in trouble, the guy would put on the full court press under the guise of "asking for help with his personal life" until he could move the R forward.
She said it wasn't like that with them, and that I just didn't trust her. I reassured her that I was trying to trust her, but I didn't trust them, and didn't have any reason to. I told her I wasn't going to be able to get to a point where I felt safe and secure in our M as long as these men were persuing her.
At that point, I had to get ready for work. I took a shower, then we got the boys ready for school. When we left, I said goodbye to my D4 and that I loved her; I didn't say anything to my W.
Thanks. I feel like crap, but I'm trying to stick to my guns.
I have tried to keep my problems with her and reasoning consistent, in hopes that I might break through some of the WAW fog, but so far, she just doesn't think she has a problem.
As far as I can tell, in her mind, today was all about me wanting to control her friendships and wanting her to constantly check in with me.
Before the Bomb, I had full access to her life, and it didn't matter. I didn't look over her shoulder or read her emails, because I didn't think I needed to. Once I knew I had something to worry about, she cut off access so that even if her friendships were innocent, I couldn't see that.
I have tried to explain to her that before the OM and the Bomb, she had unconditional love and trust, but she broke it by sneaking around. She still has unconditional love from me, but I can't rebuild the trust without some serious help from her.
