I'm trying to appreciate his pain, but it is so hard at times when he appears to be so totally happy and pleased with himself and what he's doing..............
He appears happy and pleased with himself because he has to convince himself and everyone else that he made the right choice. If he acted unhappy and miserable like he really feels (but is denying to himself) everyone would know that he is screwed up and that the choices he is making are unjustifiable.
I know it is difficult to understand sometimes. I still have difficulty completely understanding my H's depression even though he now admits to it. Have you read much about male depression? Men are more likely to deny that they are depressed and mask their depression with OW, alcohol, drugs, work, etc. Some men see depression as a sign of weakness and therefore deny it and do not seek help for it. Your H may not have any clue yet that he is suffering from depression.
Originally Posted By: ThisCan'tBTheEnd
So, today I learned of a local woman that I know whose husband took off---just left----a WAS. I feel horrible that I'm thinking how much better that would be for me.
I know exactly how you feel. Have you seen the movie It's Complicated? There is a scene where Meryl Streep is talking with her girlfriends and she comments to one how lucky she is because her husband died. It was very funny and I can so relate!
I've read a bit about male depression----and I know my H has used alcohol as a crutch, and maybe OW too (but I still don't know how she fits in to all of this----if she's still in the picture----and how in the HE*# she could do what she did when her marriage ended after her H had an A). Knowing him (who he IS/WAS), I can believe that he will never be able to admit that he is depressed----and yes, over the past 2+ years, I did my best to convince him he is, that he has a PROBLEM---to no avail (Surprise??).
As you know, it's still hard to see them "appear" happy.
I haven't seen the movie......but I have had the thought about it being easier if he died......In a way, the H that I knew is dead..........and what is walking around in his body is someone I don't know, but his presence reminds me of who he was and what we had............ughhhhh......gotta move forward!!!!
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I saw the movie this weekend on my first date with my W. We both laughed our butts off. I suggest TCBE you put this down as a GAL activity. You will so relate to this movie.
OK - no (movie) date tonight. Had the girls until 7---and it's just too cold for me to get out.....when it's comfortable being in. Had my glass of wine though, and will be ready for bed soon (way too early).
I made my first appt. with L for March 2. I decided I would just wait until I could get in late in the day on a day that H has the kids. Don't think I need to do it on a day that would interupt my time with the kids.
H sent me e-mail at work regarding D13's most recent grades (e-mail progress report from school today). I responded with a (probably too) lengthy explanation of how I felt about her grades----essentially that I'm tired of worrying about them more than she does. No response. As expected. Not spending any time thinking about it.
You know, as I keep reading-----REALLY reading, I think I'm finally beginning to understand what THIS is all about. I've wasted a lot of time not working on me----treading water, waiting for H to return. I got NOTHING done at work today----spent most of the day reading here. I think I finally understand-----THIS was inevitable for me. I need to find out who I am and what makes me happy.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Too bad you didn't make it to the movie tonight...perhaps another night this week.
I am glad you are understanding this. I still find that I may completely get it one day and the next I'm questioning everything again...know you aren't alone if that happens to you.
Being on this board can be both a blessing and a curse. We can come here for knowledge and reassurance about MLC and depression and that is great...but if we spend too much time here, we are not necessarily working on ourselves. I know I have probably spent the better part of a lot of days on this site, it can be addicting...and as you say, not always "productive". When we are here, we can spend a lot of time thinking about our spouses rather than learning about ourselves.
You know, as I keep reading-----REALLY reading, I think I'm finally beginning to understand what THIS is all about. I've wasted a lot of time not working on me----treading water, waiting for H to return. I got NOTHING done at work today----spent most of the day reading here. I think I finally understand-----THIS was inevitable for me. I need to find out who I am and what makes me happy.
You've hit the nail on the head, ThisCan'tBeTheEnd! But don't beat yourself to pieces because it's taken you this long to "get it". Just re-route yourself and get to the task of learning about YOU. Comprehension and understanding comes for different people at different times..no one person will get it when another one does. Some get it more quickly, some more slowly...but that's the difference in PEOPLE.
For awhile after the bomb early on in this, I was too busy angry about what my husband did and asking "why do I have to change when it was HIM that did everything wrong?"
Of course, that got me nowhere...and in the end I had to take a long, hard look at myself, see where I had made mistakes on my end of it, and change myself, because I certainly couldn't change HIM! Gave up that idea and just worked on myself, growing in the process. Took awhile, but it was worth the struggle and the pain to see ME in an honest light..and pinpoint what changes I needed to make to better myself; whether my marriage made it or not.
The changes and growing you need to do are for YOU, not for anyone else.
You go girl!
And Upside is right; this board is here for support, but you cannot allow it to divert you from what you need to do for you. It can be used constructively in tandem with the work you do on yourself, but it cannot take the place of what YOU will need to do for yourself. There was a time when I got a great deal of support from here; but there also came a time that I had to leave here, too; beginning to move on with my life. The board could not do my growing for me; I had to do it for myself. I gained a great many tools here to do just that. That is the main focus of this forum, focusing on yourself, not the WAS; etc.
You hang in there, seeing the light is but the first step of your journey to becoming whole again within yourself.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Up - yes, I think I understand that I will have days that I "don't get it," but am happy today that I think I do. Getting the work done that I need to do will not be easy and I hope to get help.
HB - thank you so much for your encouragement. I've read about your journey. I read your resource posts when I first came here. I wish there was another way to get to the point that I think I have finally reached----or that I would have gotten here sooner, but I think I can accept that I'm "here" now and get to work.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
So----I sit here KNOWING what I need to do, but still have to contact my H about kid things......I've sent 2 e-mails, 2 texts with questions/info about kid activities with no response. Ughhhhhh.........what am I to do???
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
