!Help! Need Advice and encouragement!

[sandi2]

Thank you for sharing that information. It does help to know what she's been through and what you & the kids are doing now.

I have read other threads right here on the board about women who have been through the terrible experience your W has had. I can't begin to "know" what she has had to deal with, but my heart hurts for her. I am concerned that she may not have the right therapist treating her. It is like finding the right MC......you have to try more than one if the first one isn't using the right methods.


I have read that some women with low self-esteem will buy a lot of new clothes and keep in their closets with the tags b/c it gives them some sense of security, but IDK. She would have to have an allowance or else her own checking account. Sure wouldn't want to turn her lose with a credit card.

Speaking of her spending.....what is she doing while staying with OM? You aren't giving her any means of finance are you? You do not need to pay for her cell phone, car payment, or anything else is she is living with OM while M to you. Do not enable her A. If she wants a D, then she needs to see what life without you will be like.

Have you taken steps to protect your finances? If not, you need to see somebody that deals in family law and see where you stand financially and with custody of your children. Since she is living with OM, it seems to me that you would not have a problem having custody.

You do not tell her that you've talked to anyone, but if she sees some money flow suddenly stop and asks you about it, you just tell her that you have taken steps to protect you and your children. As far the D action, you wait on her to do all the work. If she is trying to push you into filing....don't do it. Tell her that if she wants a D then she will have to do the work. Some couple if go as far as filing but then back out, so don't give up hope.....if you still want a M with her.


I think you handled yourself very well when she came by the house yesterday. You were not rude but you were "involved" and didn't have time for her (and she did come by just to see the kids). That little wave of the hand was just enough. I think from this point on, you need to stop walking her to the car. Again, I am not suggesting rudeness but there are a few things that she needs to see that she has "lost" b/c of her on decisions. That is a small act, but it makes a statement, IMO.

Does she still attend the classes at Church? I wondered how devoted she was to the Church and how much this A will affect her spiritually. That was the bases of me choosing to give up my EA b/c I knew I could not have fellowship with God and live a life that was not pleasing to Him.

While I'm thinking about it, let me throw this in. If she should suddenly show up (or call) and wanting to come back home......you need to try and control your own emotions and talk to her respectfully & calmly and tell her that the only way you would agree to her moving back home would be if she agreed to never contact OM again and that she would work on the MR with you.

You see, if something was to happen in the A with the OM and he threw her out or they just had a huge fight, then she would probably want to run back home. That is not how you want her to return. You do not want to be second choice. You don't want to be the consolation......you want to be the prize.

So in thinking of being the "prize", continue to do a good job on looking great and becoming the man you use to be. We all change over the years, and you don't want to act immature but you want to recapture some of those qualities that made your W attracted to you when she fell in love with you.