Retrouvaille means change

[TrentC]

Our journey began probably as so many people's do: we loaded up the car for the weekend. My wife was reluctant, and her nervousness was expressed through hostility. When we got lost on the way to the retreat, she was upset that I didn't know how to get there.

When we pulled up and the assisting couples helped us gather our things, we were both polite. As the one who had initiated the contact, I knew a little of what was to transpire tonight.

We signed in, got our room keys and were led to our room. We were both relieved to see that we did get a room with separate beds; things were incredibly tense, and I don't think either of us would have slept well that night if we had had to share a bed.

When we understood what the weekend was going to ask of us, my wife freaked out. This was so much the opposite of her way of dealing with things: she told me on our way home that if it wasn't so late, she would have insisted that we go home. As it was, she told me that she didn't know how much she could take and that we would probably leave on Saturday.

I was amazed at the sheer courage of the presenting couples. These people were rehashing their own private hell in front of dozens of people. I cried as one man described his feelings about his wife's infidelity, and I take hope that our marriage can recover the way theirs did; they seem so full of love for each other.

As the weekend wore on, we covered a lot of ground. My wife acknowledged that she had no excuse for the EA she had developed. She didn't go looking for it, and she didn't realize what was going on as it was developing. I uncovered some ugly truths about how I had behaved during our marriage, and how my insecurity had been used to manipulate her feelings.

By the end of the weekend, my wife and I were in better spirits. She struck up some conversation with the other couples, and actually gave her email address and phone number to one woman who shared a passion for knitting and craftwork. When one of the presenting women hugged us at the end of the weekend, my wife remarked that she "hugged the way a mom is supposed to hug you. My mother doesn't do that."

On a scale of 1 to 10, I would rate the overall experience as a 6. (Yes, that's Retrouvaille humor...) I did not experience the magical transformation that some other couples have reported, but we each got a better sense of where the other person is, and it has given me a sense of how to handle things as we move forward. My feelings of optimism have not changed, and my wife moved away from "this is the last chance I have in me" to "we'll see where this takes us." Both of us have wondered where our lives would be had we learned of this program years ago, when the relationship began to cool off and grow distant.

I have not asked my wife for a commitment to go to the post sessions yet; when she is exhausted, she can be very negative. I will give it a day or two, then bring it up. I will ask her to do the daily homework assignments.